It’s in vogue these days to bring the victim of bullying and their tormentor together for a guided chitchat.
Depending on the “practice” the teacher uses, the conversation can proceed a few different ways. I won’t bore you with the various methodologies, but the goal is to “problem solve” and “repair harm.”
The reality, however, is that it humiliates the victim.
They’re forced to be in their bully’s presence and pressured to express how they feel about being the target of their cruelty. Not only is this degrading and emotionally painful, but it drops the victim into an even lower rung of power.
Bullying, by definition, is an imbalance of power whereby the strong abuses, intimidates, and injures the weak and vulnerable. It’s evil and cowardice. It fuels the ego of one and crushes the spirit of another.
Those with the propensity to bully will not be dialogued out of it. Trying to do so is a fool’s game. It’s too strongly linked to their self-esteem and the strutting, ego-stroking admiration and infamy they receive from their peers.
If you merely counsel them or pull them into a group discussion or “circle,” they’ll just tell you what you want to hear, deny-deny-deny, or point the finger at their victim.
Sure, maybe they’ll lay low for awhile. Maybe they’ll be more cautious and clandestine. Maybe they’ll spend a couple of weeks merely smiling sinisterly at their prey.
But they’re not going away.
The victim, on the other hand, leaves the conversation more afraid than ever and determined to keep any further bullying a secret they’ll take with them into adulthood. (The teacher meanwhile walks away proud and assured that they’ve “repaired harm.”)
So what does the victim really need from you?
They need to know that you’ll do everything in your power to protect every student from bullying, not just them. They need to see you hold their bully as strictly and severely accountable as you’re able. They need to hear the truth that what the bully did to them was despicable and that they (the victim) didn’t deserve it.
They also need to know that you won’t force them to recount what happened in front of their persecutor or have to show even more weakness and humiliation by expressing how bad it made them feel. In other words, you will protect their dignity.
And what does the bully need?
Beyond the strictest accountability, they need to know that picking on those they have power over is the ultimate in cowardice. This comes not through a give-and-take conversation, but a one-way declaration from you.
“Only cowards bully.”
Bullying is the one of greatest ironies because it confuses insecurity, which has infected the core of the bully, for strength. Your students won’t know this unless you say it. You say it to the victim, the bully, and to your entire class—over and over again.
If you don’t say it, if you don’t tell them the truth because you’ve been led to believe that getting in a circle and discussing it is an effective option, or that you shouldn’t make the bully feel bad about their behavior, then the bullying will never stop. It will only increase.
Most bullying goes unnoticed because doing it covertly allows the bully to extend their insidious control over the course of months, even years. It provides continuous nourishment to their brittle self-esteem.
This is why they threaten their victims with the promise of increased torment if they dare tell.
So you must say it, expose it to the light of day.
You must be the alpha of the jungle and say it loud and bold and often—because in this day and age of weak-kneed administration no one else will. And if it happens, if bullying does occur, you handle the bully and the victim separately.
Knock the bully’s ego down a peg or ten and send a message to your class by having the bully watch recess for a week, for example, silent and humbled and sitting next to you.
Or have them sit and observe outside the regular benefits of being a member of your classroom. Or, working with your principal, make sure they spend a day at home.
Or all of the above. It’s the message and the humility that matter and affect change, not the punishment.
The victim, most of all, needs context. They need to know that we’ve all been bullied, that they’re not alone, and that bullying is weak and they can become stronger having experienced it and confronted it with your help.
PS – If the victim defends/protects themself in an effort to remain safe (and no more), then for gosh sakes don’t give them a consequence. Instead, they deserve your respect and the empowerment that comes for standing up for yourself.
For more on how to handle bullying, please see the SCM bullying guide.
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For me, this is THE BEST article that I have encountered on the topic of bullies/bullying and how to best handle such a situation. Thank you for this.
“this day and age of weak-kneed administration no one else will…”
According to me this is the most important part in this article. You can never deal with all those bullies alone, this is a teamwork and the admin should be part of it. They prefer that you solve all the problems, they would not do much about it.
I am an international school teacher teaching overseas. I have left teaching a year ago, on a sabbatical. I would like to continue teaching but prefer a good team of admin/senior managers/HoD etc. otherwise it is too much work on the teachers.
I so agree with you!
Wish many followed your lead!
Love this!
Thank you
Bravo!! This is excellent! Finally an article that values the victim’s dignity. The last thing in the world any victim wants to do is sit face to face with their tormentor. Ugh. I despise those circles. It only teaches the perpetrators to be more clandestine when inflicting psychological torture on their unfortunate victims. And it’s even worse when it’s several students doing the bullying. Suspend them and also hold the parents accountable!!!
Very well said!
This article was very informative
I liked the ideas given
I enjoy getting ideas you send each week I substitute after retiring from working in Early Childhood for 40 years
I try to use ideas given
Thank you
I
Great article … I love the perspective. I was bullied (mobbed) by a fellow group of TEACHERS at a public school. The lead bully was a defacto, self-appointed leader, another teacher in the program. Words can’t say what a traumatic experience it was for me, with resulting PTSD and repercussions even many, many years later. I recovered, sorta … but truly my life and the career I loved were changed forever. I really support confronting bullies and setting firm boundaries.
Unfortunately, I’ve heard your story more than once. Bullying isn’t only the children.
Very timely article! What I loved about it was that there were principles of trauma informed care sprinkled in for great care. Often times, when we ask the victim to recount their trauma, it only serves to “revcictimize them!” We must give consideration as to how we can proactively respond to students who are bullied. I so agree with previous comments that it takes a “team” to effectively manage a bullying situation. How can we rally the collective team and services around the student to help them maintain their dignity, self respect and self esteem? Food for thought, don’t you think?
What happens when the bully’s parents come and complain and defend their child with outrage at how their child is being treated? So often it is a he said-she said situation without witnesses. How do you keep it from escalating?
Parents that feel entitled. Whatever the situation is they need to respect the teachers. This is happening all over the world right now.
I think they need to stop seeing education as business, and themselves and their kids as customers.
I love how the article points out how intoxicating and reinforcing it is for bullies. They need to be taken down a peg. Research clearly debunks the false adage that bullies have terribly low self-esteem and that if we were more sympathetic toward them, they wouldn’t feel the need to pick on others. Just the opposite is almost always true. Bullies have too high of an opinion of themselves, displaying many egocentric behaviors. They bully because they can and they enjoy it. Cowards. Just like adult bullies, they should not be trusted to change their behavior until they have repeatedly demonstrated a significant change over a long period of time.
“It’s in vogue these days to bring the victim of bullying and their tormentor together for a guided chitchat.”
— If this statement refers to restorative justice practices, then I must say that you’re doing it wrong if you think it’s a ‘guided chitchat’.
“Depending on the “practice” the teacher uses, the conversation can proceed a few different ways. I won’t bore you with the various methodologies, but the goal is to “problem solve” and “repair harm.”:
— If this statement refers to restorative justice practices, then a key component IS repairing harm. If you do it right.
“(The teacher meanwhile walks away proud and assured that they’ve “repaired harm.”)”
— If this is what’s happening when following restorative practices, then the teacher/admin is DEFINITELY doing it wrong.
Accountability of the bully’s actions, and follow through on what is required for change is necessary.
Sometimes in RJP, a full circle discussion is held. Sometimes it’s not with all those involved at once. It gives a voice to all those involved. Leadership by adults, and accountability is key.
My school is a restorative practices school. It creates a school culture that works. Good leadership, consistency, and staff training and teamwork are needed. It sets the framework by which everything is done. It includes daily circles in the classrooms (opening circles, welcoming circles, sharing circles, story-telling circles, support circles, brainstorming circles, close-of-the-day circles… and problem-solving circles when needed.) If one is going to try to use RJ protocols out of context to solve a bullying issue, I can see that it would not work well. But if the framework is established, and the school culture set, it works very well. It includes the opportunity for when an admin/teacher needs to step in and declare what will happen next, or what the consequences will be.
My country (Canada) uses restorative practices in our justice system.
I agree with Michael’s article regarding the need to stop a bully in his/her path and create change. Restorative justice protocols is one way to do it.
What happens when the bully is the college professor?
Bullying is also a symptom of a problem. Children who bully are not ‘bad’ children. They are usually unhappy children. They may be being bullied at home. Or copying the behaviour of an adult at home. And they won’t be doing this consciously.
Making the bully feels worse than they already do will not, in my opinion, help them at all. It might even cause them irreparable damage. They might stop the bullying behaviour but if they do not get help, they may very well turn on themselves instead.
The child who is doing the bullying needs professional help. They need help to identify, understand and articulate what is happening to them. Professionals dealing with bullying need to be repared to love and care for the bullying child, who is also a victim. They need to be prepared to take time, go deep, and follow through with resolutions, even if that involves removing the child from a dysfunctional family environment, long term psychotherapy, providing a mentor…
Some of the contributors above have mentioned adults who bully. So long as we treat only the symptom and not the cause children who bully may still turn into adults who bully.
There are, in my opinion, no intrinsically ‘evil’ children, but there are many who , due to the way in which they themselves are being treated, remain completely out of touch with what they are thinking and feeling. An essential step for these children is to get in touch with themselves and they need help to do this. Then they will be in a position to feel and show empathy and compassion.
The part of the article I love is telling the whole class up front before any bullying happens or when it happens is to say “Only cowards bully”.
I find I need to talk to both parties (the bully and the victim) by themselves and then with each other if the victim is willing (and possible witnesses). There is no way you can figure out the whole story and what is going on without an investigation. I feel most times when I do this and the bully is ratted out by his peers, he/she is less likely to do it again as I tell him/her with the witnesses and victim if it happens again, the consequences will be greater!
Being both a veteran teacher and a mom to a middle schooler who has been absolutely defeated by a handful of peers this year, I agree with this approach. The alpha teacher must continually make strong statements with specific examples to the whole class and not once put the victim on the stage. And the statements include exactly what bystanders must do. This is needed direct instruction that will set and reset the tone and culture. And it will empower all of the students to demand this culture because they all have the right to learn in a safe and positive environment. And they all have an active role in keeping it that way.
How would you define “cowards” to 4 & 5 year olds? Any good children’s books?
I will hope to share your article with a few teachers I work with. In these last few years bullying has moved to such a harder level. The worst part is the cyber bullying. I believe that is the highest form of cowardice, because they are hiding behind the screen and even false names.
Thank you,
L. Atwater
Thank you for a great and well-timed post! I am putting the statement “Only cowards Bully” into my Start of the New Year Routines and Rules. We will practice what to do as a class. As a music teacher, I have to use my prep for lunch detention but this is an excellent solution. I hope to share this post with many of my colleagues.
Hello!
I love this article and how you respect and put dignity back for the victim of bullying. Not only is this extremely important but valuable in the victim’s eyes. I wish I had someone do this for me in this situation! Exposing what a bully does and relaying that it is not okay is essential.
Thank you!