You give and you give.
You give your patience and humor. You give your positivity and respect. You give your heart and hope for their future.
And they discard it. They crumble it up and toss it in the trash.
They meet your smile, your generosity, and your kindness with indifference—and even cruelty.
They roll their eyes at your attempts to build rapport. They stare off into the distance and mumble when you try to engage them in conversation.
They laugh and make fun of your mistakes and generational quirks.
Yes, you’re their teacher. You’re paid to do your job. But it still hurts, more than you care to admit.
When you think on it—as you often do—when you think about this one student, and how you’ve gone out of your way to help them and give them the benefit of the doubt, anger seeps in.
A trickle at first, it turns into a rush as all the slights and sighs and sarcasms cycle fresh through your mind.
You daydream about putting them in their place. You lay awake rehearsing a lecture they won’t soon forget. You fantasize about running into them at Target in a few years and telling them what you really think.
But maybe, just maybe . . . your kindness frightens them.
Maybe they’ve been burned so many times and so deeply that if they allow themselves to like you—or worse, look up to you—and you let them down, the blow would be too great.
Maybe they’ve erected a hard shell over shattered trust and the possibility of disappointment and betrayal.
So you breathe. You suppress your basest urges. You shake off the resentment you’ve been hanging on to and humble yourself with memories of your own pain and struggle.
You consider all that you don’t know about this student and what may await them at home—or what may not await them.
As you stand at the doorway to your classroom greeting students as they walk in, you notice them, head down, making their way toward you. They approach, and you soften. You nod and smile simply as they walk past.
Maybe this will be the day they accept you and let you in. Maybe it will be in a week or a month or on the last day of school. Doesn’t matter. You’re going to be the leader and model and strength they can count on every day.
So you give.
You give your patience and your understanding. You give your steadiness and your consistency. You give your unrelenting, unbending, undefeatable kindness.
It’s teaching, and it’s what we do.
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Very powerful. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you!! A great reminder, and inspiration to keep being kind and to be a good example, and a constant and dependable safe space!!
Of all your articles this hits most deeply. Maybe I seek too much approval. Maybe I feel my childhood it not relatable. Maybe because I didn’t understand. But whatever the reason this was tainting many of my days and nights and life and I couldn’t shake it. I continue to do work to improve my c.m. and this year I feel I’m finding more moments are filled with easygoing, in-the-groove education. I’m giving out warnings (for rules broken) like a calm and collected referee and sticking to my consequences like a fly to tape.
I’m so grateful for you and your team! You have made a deep impact on my life and continue to.
Oceans and GALAXIES of gratitude!!!
Casey
Wow, what a reminder! Thank you! I’ve seen the powerful difference this strategy makes.
My pleasure, Chris.
I have been a member of your email group from January of my first year of teaching. I am in my third year now, and I just really wanted to say thank you. While I am not perfect, and I never will be, your site provides more stuff that works than anything I’ve seen ever. I really, insanely, love my job. It’s largely due to you doing what you do. Sharing what works with us so we can mirror what you do. The other amazing thing that happens? Your timing. I may be wrong, but it seems that you carefully plan when to share these articles so they fall when certain things are going on. Just yesterday I was not as kind as I should have been to a student who was not reading during library time. I am going to use this article as inspiration with her as well as the other “tough cases” because I already feel I have most of these students in a place where they know me and they are willing to do what I ask when I ask because of what I’ve learned largely from this site. Thanks for the work you do! I firmly believe more teachers would love their jobs if they followed your ideas.
So simple yet so powerful. Thank you 🙏
Simply beautiful. What a wonderfully written reminder that we are the leaders, we can be a safe place, we can give more (even when it is difficult). Thank you.
You’re welcome, Amanda!
This article is beautiful and exactly what I needed to read today. In my heart and head, I know these things but it is so helpful to hear it from the outside. And I must admit, sometimes I have submitted to baser impulses, but I keep challenging myself to do my best nonetheless.
Thank you for this. I’ve been dealing with this the last couple of weeks and you put it into words quite beautifully. Bless you for the reminder!
Thanks Ann Mary!
This is my first year as a special education teacher, and I work with many emotionally disturbed students in an urban school district.
I was in a very low place wondering if I made the right decision becoming a teacher, when I read this post. It was manna from heaven, and could not have been more timely! Fighting the good fight.
–BWH
Glad to hear it, BWH.
GREAT JOB.
PETER NYATICHI ATUNGAFROM KENYA
Thanks Peter!
I am a middle school teacher and deal with students who are not truthful with their parents to save their own behinds. In fact, the students are liars. It takes my breath away when parents only choose to believe their child ( I am a parent, and yes I would do anything for my kids), in spite of emails and keeping school web pages current with all current classroom assignments and homework, etc. This really wears me down, especially with admin that always side with the parents first.
Thank you for this much-needed reminder! So timely.
Wow I am intermediate teacher your talking about me there’s this class with few kids doing exactly what you said and I’ve giving all myself to them motherly love n try to warn them about their behaviour and so forth but now am at the stage of giving up on those students you call parents they don’t come.
Beautifully written Michael. Relevant and on point.
Thanks John!
I don’t know though. Sometimes it feels like abuse, where the kindness and basic respect is all one-sided. I’m not sure this endless giving is sustainable for me!
First, thank you for encouraging teachers to keep the faith and stay the course! I am a retired teacher and enjoy your articles tremendously. The wisdom you impart to new teachers and those who have been teaching for a long time serve as a reminder as to why we chose to be a teacher. It ain’t easy and that’s why everyone can’t do it. Some days we fall short of the mark, but we are resilient!
Second, in this profession (which I have always referred to as a “calling”) when you encounter that student who constantly rejects you, know and believe fervently that your loving kindness is edifying YOU as well as your student.
Keep your head up!
Thank you for sharing.
This hit home tonight as I read your article. Earlier today, I gave a student in my 5th period class the High 5 Student of the Week. It is a recognition given to students who work hard and meet our classroom expectations-most student anxiously wait to be the Student of the Week.
When I checked my e-mail at the end of the day, I saw he had sent me an e-mail with only the subject line filled out. It read “I don’t like you”. My heart sank. Ouch! I quickly called home and chatted with his mom. She said he had been texting her all day since he arrived at school for her to come get him. He didn’t want to be at school. He did this most days. School was misery for him. She apologized for him, and we chatted a few more minutes then hung up.
I replied back to his e-mail. I wrote it was okay to not like me, but I still liked him.
Tomorrow is another day. I will smile at him. I will get the rolling chair out for the honoree to sit in if he accepts it, and we will move on. Today, I was given an opportunity to learned more about my High 5 student’s suffering which I wouldn’t have known if he’d kept quiet.
Michael, thank you for your timely article. It was a good reminder that often the rejection isn’t about “us” as person but rather “us” as a situation.
Yes, that student who has been burned again and again isn’t rejecting the teacher’s kindness out of spite for that particular individual. They’re doing it as a self-defense mechanism (I once heard it described as “trying to hurt you before you have a chance to hurt them”) and people in general do this, not just students/children.
Michael, what you say is very true. However, I don’t think it’s wise to turn oneself into a doormat. What I have done in cases such as the one you’ve described is to call the student aside for a few brief words and explain to them that it seems there is something I am doing that makes them uncomfortable. I tell them I would truly be interested in their explaining it to me privately. That way I could try to accommodate their sensitivities. In the interim, I would explain to them, I will try my best not to shower them with any attention they might misconstrue as excessive. The result of this approach is that the student who is hurtful because s/ he might be hurting sees that I care about them but understands that I cannot accept what amounts to unacceptable behavior; even more, I am sincerely willing to work with them on whatever the issue is to make the situation better for all concerned. This approach, I feel, teaches the student an important life skill. Namely, the fact that things are not working well for someone does not justify turning the people with whom they must deal into punching bags. Rather, the way to deal with hurt( that often turns to anger) is find someone you can talk to and see if perhaps, with help, the situation can’t, in some way, be improved.
I have been teaching secondary and college level students and can say it is more challenging than middle school, as in my experience younger students build trust and bond easier. Especially 10th-12th grade high school students and freshman & sophomore in college behave almost the same. Some try to prove to you that they know better, will not obey the rules etc. My biggest challenge is that some act with emotions and lack being rational. If they fail a course or get a low grade, they think it is the teacher’s fault and they start rejecting you even though you have done your best for everyone. And if they get a good grade they “love you too much”. Why can’t these students just be normal in their reactions? This is too exhausting besides academics, trying to deal with their emotional reactions as well. I have no idea how to deal with this. I try to continue being kind, open to communication, firm and keep my boundaries but still this is very exhausting.
I think students need to stop taking things personally when they get a low grade, fail the course or get a negative feedback on their homework, because this has nothing to do with who they are. I think they understand the difference when they spend more time with the teacher and they can build trust, but during the pandemic and online teaching this has become very difficult, students got very confused in many things.
Would be happy to hear thoughts on this.
It sounds like Good Will Hunting.