It’s common for teachers to ask students to apologize for their misbehavior.
It makes sense.
Students should offer amends for their actions. The very act of saying sorry—which is difficult for many people—can provide a lot of satisfaction.
It can feel as if it smooths over or even erases the wrongdoing. But it’s a mistake to ask for or require it from your students.
Here’s why:
It means nothing.
When you know the apology you’ve received was prompted by a person in authority, it means nothing. It’s proof, even, that the apology wasn’t real.
In many cases, that same authority expects you to accept the apology. “It’s okay, I accept your apology for bullying and spreading awful rumors about me.”
The indignity of having to listen to your tormentor’s forced apology is one reason why restorative justice practices not only don’t work, but often cause deep resentment.
It undermines reflection.
If a student wrongs someone and the teacher pressures them to apologize, it undermines the natural process of reflection. Guilt doesn’t have a chance to weigh on the conscience.
If the apology doesn’t originate from within the misbehaving student, then it isn’t sincere. It’s a hoop to jump through to get the teacher off their back.
The wronged party knows this. It’s all a charade meant only to satisfy the teacher, who can then carry on self-satisfied and convinced they handled it well.
It’s not accountability.
Accountability in the classroom can only come from a predetermined consequence. It’s the certainty of breaking a rule that harmed another that most effectively causes a contrite heart.
An apology can be encouraged by ensuring that all students know the boundaries that protect the rights of everyone to learn and enjoy school.
Understanding how their actions affect others often triggers a desire to make amends. Done right, and over time, accountability causes the kind of self-reflection and empathy that triggers an apology.
A Genuine Apology
Despite it feeling like the right thing to do, you shouldn’t ask students to apologize.
It only increases resentment and further hardens the human heart. It subverts real accountability and humiliates the receiver of the apology.
A genuine apology—is there another kind?—isn’t prompted by you.
It’s prompted by a consistently followed classroom management plan. Furthermore, although optimum, an voluntary apology isn’t required for behavior to improve.
For those students who can so coldly hurt others without a second thought, it’s only the burden of consequence amid an environment of kindness, clarity of boundaries, and strong leadership that slowly, over time, begin warming the heart.
PS – Check out this week’s YouTube videos:
1. The Secret to a Classroom That Runs Itself
2. Why Caring Too Much Hurts You and Your Students
3. What Calm Teachers Do Differently
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I couldn’t agree more with this concept of not forcing an apology.
I have gone the exact opposite direction, in that when I hear a student apologize more than once for the same behavior, I remind them that a true apology results in changed behavior and if they are not changing their behavior then “stop wasting your words as your apology means nothing without a change in behavior.”
It refocuses the whole class and helps to keep accountability where it belongs.
I also try to model sincere apologies when I have made a mistake. It is humbling but important to show students that I also make mistakes and can own them.
This one goes right to the heart. ❤️ Students do apologize now in class, which has surprised me, although I’ve never asked for an apology.
It was a bit confusing this year, to receive apologies, notwithstanding I continue to referee the rules consistently. It has been a pleasure.
I would love to dialogue with you more about this topic, but not as a public comment. Is there an option to ask you a question in another format? Thanks!