Here at SCM we love shortcuts.
We love saving time, lowering stress, and simplifying everything so we can enjoy all that is fun and rewarding about teaching.
We also love efficiency, clarity, and honesty.
It’s this last one, honesty, that we’re going to talk about today. Because all effective classroom management strategies and their benefits become worthless if not backed by truthfulness.
Too many teachers dance around the truth or hide it altogether in order to avoid hurting student feelings. But dishonesty, no matter how shaded or nuanced, not only destroys your best strategies, but it guarantees that your students . . .
Never get the feedback they need to improve.
Never internalize the concept of right and wrong.
Lately, I’ve been reading about a group of high school students who had been bullying and terrorizing their community since elementary school. Last fall at a party they picked on another group of boys who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This second group tried to get away. They ran and even hid in some bushes. But the bullies tracked them down and pummeled them. They punched and kicked them while they were down.
One boy was knocked unconscious and left in the street. He died two days later.
It’s a horrible story, and I can’t stop thinking about it. For years, this gang of cowards beat up classmates and anyone else they could find and then posted their conquests to social media.
Six boys have been arrested. Their parents share some of the blame, of course. But I also wonder about their former teachers and administrators who had been witness to their bad behavior since elementary school.
I’m sure there were some wonderful and caring people who tried to intervene. But did these kids get the truth? Were they consistently held accountable?
Did they pay a price for their transgressions?
Or were they given chance after chance? Was their behavior justified and excused because they had uninvolved parents or learning difficulties? Were they appeased and falsely praised and told the lie that their bullying wasn’t their fault?
I’m not blaming their teachers. But could it have been different? Would the bully who, according to witnesses, danced on the body of the boy who died have made a different choice that night if he had been given—again and again through words and strict accountability—the hard truth about his behavior?
We’ll never know. But it’s hard for me not to think so.
All the counseling and social-emotional learning they were undoubtedly exposed to; all the bribes, rewards, and flattery; all the grade inflation, talking-tos, group circles, and restorative justice practices . . . None of it works beyond a fake few minutes.
But it does plant a seed.
It plants a seed that over time can grow into full-blown narcissism and sociopathy. It plants seed that develops ruthlessness devoid of fault or responsibility and manipulation that feigns remorse and garners sympathy.
Unfortunately, there is no shortage of teachers and principals who buy the scam. Day after day, in schools across the country, they continue to water this poisonous Daphne while patting themselves on the back for being caring people.
Now one boy is dead and six others are facing life in prison. The road to hell is paved with good intentions indeed.
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Michael,
I have had the same thoughts. Each time I see a news story about an individual who did not comply with a request from an officer and tragically ended up dead during the encounter I think about all the non-compliant students in our school who are never taught and held accountable to societal norms such as respect for authority be it parents or teachers. We do a great disservice to students and the larger community when we ignore or make excuses for this behavior.
I would not blame the Teachers. In most cases, not all, but most, the teachers have repeatedly brought this behavior to the parents and the administrators only to have it fall on deaf ears. The parents, not wanting to believe that their child is capable of indifference, rally to the child’s side, grasping for excuses and looking to shift blame. They eat up the lies and reasoning as if they were gold because who wants to think their kid won’t tell them the truth? Administrators, often faced with a bully in the form of a parent, crumble under the pressure of the parents who threaten all manners of action if their child is “unjustly” accused. It does not matter if it is the 100th time the student has been in this situation. It is always the fault of the other. Athletics play another part in the problem as those participating are taught to expose the opponent’s weakness to gain an advantage. A gladiator culture emphasizes physical prowess with the illusion of power. Might make right. In many schools, those in the athletic class are treated like walking on water. Nothing they do matters as long as they bring home wins. Their transgressions were set aside in favor of a better representation of the institution. It is this treatment that is permeating all educational environments, from elementary school to higher institutes of learning, that has created a class of ego-driven narcissists whose means of survival depends on the supposed subordination of those that they deem inferior.
I came to the comments to say exactly what you’ve expressed. Parents are not uninvolved. They are OVERLY involved. They storm into the school and demand their child be coddled and released of responsibility. The teachers and admin feel powerless. And OMG, an overwhelming amount of them are the school athletes.
I agree 100% with your reply and I know that in this case the parents (or at least some of them) very much allowed their children to behave in this manner and there has never been any accountability for their actions.
The article makes a great point about being honest with students but I believe the biggest hurdle teachers face is parents who make excuses for their children, I believe eventually, sooner rather than later, it will be the no. 1 reason we will have to reform education. I hope parents whose children are losing out on their education because of similar situations start to speak out and administrators and educational leaders start to listen.
Yeah for this article. There was a student who picked on a couple of students in my school. I told him, “Knock it off! This type of thing will follow you all your life. concentrate on schoolwork.” He did and got through his grade. when He graduated from my school, he came up to me and thanked me for being honest with him. He graduated!
Hi Michael,
This was an interesting article. I agree that students need to be held accountable for their behavior and we have to be mindful of the excuses made. It reminds me of the quote “just because your pain is understandable, it doesn’t make your behavior acceptable.”
Behavior is an expression of a need. I was trained to understand how to look through the “trauma lens” and identify what type of pain the child is feeling. I am a firm believer in rehabilitation. However, a student can’t be rehabilitated if they are not held accountable. I tell my students “don’t give me that behavior.” I try to help them find words where their actions are big emotional responses.
My first expectation for my students is to be “accountable and responsible.” My favorite quote to use in class is “you are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.”
There are factors for many students that SHOULD be considered as many children are a “product of their environment” and struggle with regulating their emotions. The factors must be considered so we can work to provide a different pathway for the child, but they must be held accountable for their behavior. Once they know and understand there is a different choice, it is their responsibility to choose the correct one.
My goal is to provide my students with an opportunity to learn, grow, and find better coping skills. If educational staff truly care, they will hold students accountable. Allowing kids to do what they want is not caring. It takes work to help change the experiences of many of these students. It requires an adult to be consistent, fair, compassionate, willing to hold the child accountable, and willing to welcome them back into the classroom.
I don’t knock the other programs mentioned in the article. I agree the programs are implemented with good intentions, but the overall purpose is missing. It should not be to EXCUSE behavior, but to provide a safe and supportive passage back into the school community AFTER the student is held accountable for their actions. We know that actions have consequences. Students need to know that too or they will quickly find out once they enter the “real world.”
I love the quote, “You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.” I often say, “Even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Not being held accountable only reinforces the idea that what they are doing is not egregious and that continuing with the behavior will be alright. The biggest issue, in my eyes, is the administration. They do not support the staff and tend to favor the child and parents in this situation as it is often a case of students’ words vs the instructor. I have seen many situations in which the teacher has been just in their actions and has had it overturned by those in the administration. The students were then taught that the instructor had no real power and that they, the students, could do whatever they wanted without fear of repercussions.
Quoting Rush, i see. Lol
Yep. Hey, it’s a great song with a great message. Lol.
2112 !!!!
Yes, very possibly another case— this one horrific and deadly— of weak, timid admin and teachers that, over the years and decades, looked the other way instead of applying hard, serious accountability to students that are bullies and thugs. As a sub in the public schools for eight years, I’ve seen that it has to start at the top and with the teachers. Many administrators and teachers, however, don’t want to risk having the students not “like” them, so, they look the other way and let the bad behavior slide.
I only wish I could send this to my administration. Teacher cannot administer consequences of any magnitude without the backing of administration. That’s a fact. Often times, very often,, it’s administration that is too weak to actual hold kids accountable. They want to be ‘friends’.. Again that’s a fact. Institute rules in the school, then break them with the students (or encourage students to break them),, but still hold teachers accountable to uphold that rule.. Truth.
Another is calling administrative to handle a child who will not exercise their own self control, being them down to the office and then bribe them with candy or games to be ‘good for the rest of the day’. Guess where that student wants to be? I’m not answering that..
If teachers don’t have administration, and teachers don’t have parental support, it’s a winless situation.. Teacher-becomes-babysitter with professional consequences and kids run the show.
Preach!
Thank you for always giving us the hard truth. I look forward to reading your articles weekly.
I just want to add another instance to drive this article home. It’s not as devastating as Michael’s story, but it easily could be one day. My 9th grade son had to stand up on the bus this week and tell a classmate to sit down and leave a middle school boy alone. He told me that his classmate might come for him, but he had to do it because the school won’t do anything. He felt that he needed to protect his bus driver and younger students at the cost of his own safety. When I asked what my son said, his reply was, “dude, that’s not cool. Sit down and stop cussing in front of these kids.” Then he went and sat with the middle school student until his classmate got off of the bus.
I think the answer might be in previous SCM articles. We need to build relationships with these combative students, and they need to be honest and sincere. It’s hard. How do we relate to poverty and abuse? But we can’t tell our own students to do the hard things if we aren’t doing them ourselves. Thank you for this article. I will strive to do better.
I have six sons. As they were growing up, I instilled in them the idea that they should stand up for those who are unwilling or incapable of doing so for themselves, no matter the cost. They also knew that if I found out about a situation where they could stand up for someone being “bullied” and stood by and did nothing, they were the bullies, and they knew what I do with bullies. However, I never had to worry about it as my boys took the lessons to heart and defended many of their fellow students. Simply because it was the right thing to do. Apathy of the issues is worse, in my opinion, than the actual deed. It teaches our youth that no one will defend them and that this is accepted behavior, often leading to diminished self-worth and, in many cases, attempted suicide.
Everything you said is spot-on. I remember when bullying prevention was the giant initiative, and then we decided to see the bullies as victims instead of people who needed to learn right from wrong. There’s a ton of money to be made if you are hawking all of the SEL/restorative crap, so it will be here until the pendulum swings the other way again. I fully believe that a child’s mistakes should not define them and that the focus of discipline should be teaching the child how to be a healthy, productive citizen who can live a meaningful life. Often, that means learning how to accept both personal responsibility for their actions AND the consequences that go with their choice- even if those consequences aren’t pleasant.
Thank you for speaking the hard truth. A large percentage of admin ignore this type of behavior day after day, year after year to keep parents at bay. Not only are we growing a generation of narcissists, but underachieving students. Teachers speak up constantly with no support. Education has lost its way. I am blessed to have a teaching partner that shares these views. We take the high road every day, and often times are the only teachers there.
Maybe it is I am old, but kids are different since covid. I have always been able to make relationships, it was not something I even worried about. And because of that, it took me a while to realize, after covid, kids that I had spent weeks with, acted like I was the check out lady at Walmart. Consequences have little effect, they don’t care about them. They are kids that do not look to the future, or the past, they are just entirely in the present.
Assault happened in my class, not a fight, not anger, just beating up a girl for the joy of beating up a girl, and claiming the status of that. Rudeness is the order of the day. I corrected it constantly. I talked about how, while they were young and quick, old people were afraid that they would be knocked over, to give them more space, to open doors for people. To look around and see what needs to be done.
It helped some, but while there have always been some kids you cannot reach, now there is a lot more of them.
But I have to say, you fell into the very trap you were warning against. Those boys beat the others up, and what do we do as a society – we blame others, the parents, teachers and schools.
It really makes you think. Thank you for posting this. I have seen some outrageous behaviors at the elementary level rewarded with special privileges such as working in the main office, extra library time, and even food rewards. It sickens me. It sends a message to the kids that are putting their best foot forward each day that if you’re good, all you get is ignored. Act up and get attention. Ugh.
I completely agree with you that these senseless acts of violence could have been avoided had responsible adults been more willing to hold these young men accountable early on. However, your indictment against social-emotional learning as a contributing factor is highly irresponsible. I live in a neighboring community to where these kids went to school and I can assure you the schools and communities they come from are composed predominantly of people that share your distrust and even contempt for SEL curriculum. Many of these perpetrators attended charter schools precisely to ensure their kids weren’t being “indoctrinated.” Had these kids received effective instruction to help them develop greater social and emotional intelligence, I believe they would have been less likely to succumb to lure of toxic masculinity which foments these kinds of behaviors, not more.
I also live in the area where this happened. I don’t think Michael is necessarily opposed to SEL, just SEL in a vacuum. SEL does teach how to show empathy for others—but as a tool to combat “toxic masculinity” as you mentioned, such teaching is unfortunately viewed by these kids and their parents as “soft”.
Used exclusively, SEL does in fact lack the strong and swift accountability and witness to consequences—the “hard” truths that such masculinity would respect—that young people need to grow within themselves a level maturity that can come no other way.
Thank you, Michael; I look forward every week to your common sense articles. They are so refreshing!
Wow. I completely agree with you that as a society we let too many things go, rather than trying to intervene early. I taught elementary for 38 years, and left mostly because of behavior issues with children that admin refused to deal with. And I recognize that in some cases the hands of administrators were tied by district and state rules. Every child deserves to be treated with respect, but some tougher consequences early on could turn many of these lifetime offenders around, in my opinion.
We got a new principal last year who holds students accountable for their behavior. Students know the expectations and consequences. They are enforced school wide. Both scores and behaviors have drastically improved. He has been asked what we were doing to improve the test scores. His response was high expectations and accountability. As teachers, we are able to teach and the students are able to learn. Our school motto is “Here to Learn.” Anything that inhibits learning is not allowed and is dealt with by the teachers with backup by administration. Both teachers and students enjoy coming to school. Being honest with students and holding them accountable has had amazing results.
Since when did social emotional learning mean students are not held to high expectations of behavior? I think the generalizations made in these articles are alarming.
I agree. Teaching with an SEL lens does not mean low expectations and no accountability. You have to teach the skills before you can expect the skills.
I appreciate this article and the timelines of it. Next week I will have to address an incident that took place in my classroom on Friday. There are tons of factors and angles I can take to explain all sides, empathize, and breakdown the lack of boundaries and respect that was demonstrated. However, reading the article reminded me that truth must be stated regardless. I am two weeks into school with my students and I want fight and keep this safe, inclusive, respectful, and engaged environment from beginning to end. My approach will be through our bell work time and reflect on a quote they write in their journals and then I can lead the discussion to repair and restore what was and should be. Again, thanks for the article and the feedback back from other teachers.
Administration is now the scapegoat and entity to blame for the disfunctional classroom environment. The classroom authority is the teacher. It’s an honor to be in the role of authority though not a role for the weak.
When students who enjoy misbehaving,
and yes, I said it. Enjoy misbehaving realize that there are few consequences and that those few consequences are soft, will continue to misbehave and disrupt the learning environment for others. Their behavior will most likely get worse until they are awarded with swift and heavy consequences.
I am a teacher who tries to hold students accountable. However, it is impossible to do so when admin and other teachers excuse the behavior and consequences because, as I have been told, ” they don’t have the life experience. ” my reply has always been, “shouldn’t they get heavy consequences now, so that they can learn from them instead of getting heavy consequences such as jail when they get older?”
Admin and teachers want parental involvement. I did my dissertation on parental involvement. And parental involvement can be great, but not when parents are constantly emailing or calling about their child’s grades and making excuses for student behavior.
A couple of thoughts:
Is it a schools place to fix what parents/families are not doing?
School admins do have limits in how to respond to poor behavior – be they district created or state law created. It can be tricky to give a consequence without repercussions from families and education laws. It’s ridiculous.
I’ll second this. As a teacher who works in the area where the events in this article took place, let me add that in recent years, “parents’ rights” legislation has swept through our state and even if originally well-meaning, it has created a situation where we literally can’t give out any consequences. No detention, no loss of recess, nothing. Admin can suspend students, but only after going through a myriad of steps first, and that renders the consequence fairly meaningless. I hear people say all the time to hold students accountable, but how can you do that when parents can (and often do) sue teachers and admin personally? It is insane, but it is the situation we all have to deal with here.
I concede that the situation has worsened and some parents have demanded the legislation that has led to the problems. But even with that legislation, successful charter schools have demanded parents sign a contract wherein they accept the accountability measures of the school. So, not all parents are part of the problem—they see the issues other parents have created and have overwhelmingly decided they want no part of it and have taken their kids to other charter schools.
I live in an area of the US where accountability in public schools has severely slipped in jr high and high schools. So much so, that a number of charter schools with very strong accountability measures have exploded in popularity over the last 10-15 years.
The district public schools allow phones and wireless headphones and ear buds and when they fail a class because very few are even paying attention, they give them a D and shuffle them off to the next grade.
Parents have revolted – they even BEGGED one charter school to open a new K-12 school in their city, syphoning millions of dollars away from the district public school system.
However, some of this comes too late. Bullies get enrolled into these schools as sophomores and by then thr damage has already been done to these kids for years. They feel they are above the law, the teachers, and administrators. Bad things happen and the charter
School gets blamed even though they came from the other system that produced them.
Michael, I agree with your comments entirely, and I have had the same thoughts about kids who get away with everything because their parents are the squeakiest wheels in the school as in “Why is my child always being singled out?” But, here’s the thing: Michael YOU are the behavior management guru I look to and I don’t want you to become just another colleague whining in the faculty room about parents. While your concern for this sickening situation is truly appropriate and heartfelt, and I feel your frustration, don’t forget that your promotion of fairness, consistency, and high expectations provides students with opportunities to be around an adult, and we know that lots of them don’t have that opportunity at home. Please come out of the faculty room and continue to do what you do best .
I had a student my class who was a verbal bully to myself and weaker students in the class. The parents were split up, and the father felt the child could do no wrong and I couldn’t teach. The bully even snapped a white board in half, which administration never forced the student to replace; I notified the mother of what happened. The student always walked out of the class whenever I held them accountable for something they did wrong and would find weaker students to bully so they would be forced to support them and the bully would come back at me.
I kept notes of everything; I went to admin to let them know several times of what had happened in class; the bully changed their story to suit admin. Fast forward to the end of June… the bully will start grade 12 in Sept, and will continue with the verbal bullying as they feel there is nothing wrong with it and this is supported by the father.
Powerful message. Sadly, my state is making it harder to hold students/people accountable. For example, in CA it is against the law to keep students out of recess. In the past, I would hold a student out of recess for 2 minutes for his/her 2nd infraction (2 minutes is long for a 9 year old waiting for recess). Now I cannot do that. Any advice?
I can totally appreciate this piece of writing. I will share it with my coworkers and administrators with the hope that these words will resonate with those who believe in restorative justice. I am not saying this is a bad thing, but in the middle school where I work, we definitely have some of these students that have not heard the hard truth because of the reasons you mention. They have not truly been held accountable; then, by the time they reach 8th grade, they are monsters. But I don’t blame the kids, I blame the adults because they basically created these monsters in their soft discipline practices.
This is a slippery slope…enforcing the rules of the school is everyone’s responsibility. If these bullies were not stopped year after year after year it’s the fault of everyone…parents, teachers, and admins. However, from my teacher’s seat parents threaten or begin litigation when things do not go their way or they feel their child is being singled out…the school district backs off of the consequences for the infraction. The students get lesser consequence or just get let off the hook with some sort of meaningless warning. This is everyone’s fault.
BTW—everyone blames the admins….there are good ones, if your school has one you are lucky. There are bad ones…as in my school: I just ignore them, disregard anything they say or do. There are others who are not bad or good….just like teachers and parents. You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that’s clear, I will choose Freewill.
It takes a village…
Remember:
“Stand for something or you will fall for anything. Today’s mighty oak is yesterday’s nut that held its ground” – Rosa Parks