How To Connect With Students Who Don’t Want To Connect

You can’t force it.

This is the mistake teachers make. Trying to pull quiet, shy, or distrustful students out of their shell does the opposite.

It makes them less likely to participate and engage in discussions. It causes them more discomfort and embarrassment.

It pushes them further into the safety of their own world.

This doesn’t mean, however, that it can’t be done. With just a few guidelines, any teacher can draw reluctant students into the active flow of the classroom.

Here’s how:

Overlook

You must never speak, take notice of, or react in any way that highlights their reticence. Although counterintuitive, if they perceive you’re trying to draw them out, the jig is up.

You’re not safe. You’re not being real and thus can’t be trusted. If this happens, their guard will not only remain up, but with stronger fortifications.

Refraining from bringing attention to their shyness is an essential first and most important step.

Pretend

No matter how awkward they appear, if ever they take a chance to participate, you must pretend that whatever they said or did was the most normal thing in the world.

Your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice must remain constant, casual, and as if the student’s involvement matched perfectly to the moment or situation.

Focus on the content of their contribution, not the way in which they contributed.

Move

All interactions between you and them must be quick hits, before they can begin to squirm too long outside their comfort zone. A brief word, eye contact, or fist bump etc., and then move on.

Never, ever linger.

The key is accepting them, validating them, and allowing them to be who they are in the subtlest way. In time, this is what will make the difference.

Wait

Becoming an active participant in your classroom is on their timetable, not yours. But the more empathy you have, the more you can put yourself in their shoes, the faster you’ll draw them out.

They want to take social chances. They want to participate. They just need to know that they won’t be humiliated—which for them can be the tiniest thing.

A pause or hesitation. A odd look from you. Over-the-top praise. As bizarre as it may seem to those who’ve never experienced debilitating shyness, these things can send certain students reeling.

Hearten

Once you establish yourself as a leader and protector of all students in your class, and they grow more comfortable, they’ll begin to dip their toe in the water.

You’ll still affect normalcy and casualness. However, you shouldn’t ignore them. Like all students, praising their answer or otherwise responding to them is encouraging.

It’s when you praise them or become effusive (or linger) that you push them back to the starting line.

A Secret

You’ll know you’re on the right track when you notice them approaching you with other students to say hello. They’ll probably hang back and not say anything.

But their mere presence, their choosing to be around you says everything about how they feel about you and their relief being in your class.

When in doubt, just remember to let them come to you. Let them take social and academic chances on their own terms. According to surveys, up to 40% of your class may be shy. They’re worth your understanding and adjustment to their needs.

But here’s a secret:

Every student benefits from a more laid-back approach when it comes to building rapport and making connections.

It brings everyone along. It allows the freedom within boundaries that students crave; a safe environment that reflects the highest standards and expectations.

There is more to this topic, including how it can help students with autism, depression, trauma, and anxiety improve their abilities and willingness to work with others and contribute to the class.

We’ll be sure to cover these topics and more in upcoming articles.

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