It’s normal to feel angry.
How could you not? You have a student who is ruining your school year.
They’re disruptive every day. They’re rude and disrespectful.
They cause more problems, more chaos, and more disorder than the rest of your class put together.
And despite your best efforts to stay positive, privately you stew.
You resent their misbehavior and how profoundly it affects your ability to teach.
If you’re a regular reader of SCM, however, then you know that resentment does you no good. In fact, it makes things worse because it’s something you can’t hide, no matter how hard you try.
It will always rise to the surface.
Sometimes it’s just a look, a micro-expression, or a nuance in the way you speak to them versus everyone else. But it’s there, and they know it.
They can see it and feel it, as sure as the backpack weighing on their shoulders.
In previous articles, we’ve talked about the power of choosing to like difficult students, of seeing only the best in them.
We’ve heard from many readers who have been liberated by this advice and overjoyed with the effect it has on their most challenging students.
But there are others who just can’t seem to embrace it.
They try, no doubt. They try with all their might. They want to like them. They commit themselves to like them. They know it’s right and are convinced of the strategy’s effectiveness.
But when push comes to shove, when Anthony or Michelle spoils a great lesson or brazenly disrespects them, it all goes out the window. They can’t seem to erase their nagging animosity.
So what’s the solution?
The solution is to realize that it’s not the student’s fault. Somewhere along the line they’ve been let down by the adults in their life. Not every adult, mind you. Sometimes it can be just one.
It may be the curse of permissiveness, the pain of abuse and neglect, or the residue of poverty, hunger, or other trauma.
But it manifests itself most acutely when they’re subject to authority they view—sometimes unfairly—as antagonistic or oppositional.
That’s not to say that they’re not responsible for their own behavior. They are, 100%. But you’re the one standing in front of them. You’re the authority figure in their life setting ground rules and giving directions. (In their eyes, telling them what to do.)
And thus it’s you that they rail against. It’s you they take it out on. Unless, that is, you accept the idea that it isn’t really them talking and behaving, but rather the pain and hurt roiling inside.
Grasping this reality has a way of putting things into perspective and replacing the resentment you can’t seem to shake with compassion and understanding.
In fact, it does so effortlessly.
Seeing the big picture, realizing that their behavior is all but screaming out their desire to be understood, believed in, and given strong boundaries, makes choosing to like them the most natural thing in the world.
It makes your morning drive to school filled not with dread, but with purpose. It softens your heart and imbues you with the patience, kindness, and love they need.
And this makes all the difference.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll ever lower your standards or fail to hold them accountable. Love, after all, is not an emotion. Rather, it’s the active pursuit of what’s best for another.
But once they see that in you, once it dawns on them that you really are on their side and ensconced in their corner . . .
Their behavior will change.
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Mr. Linsin,
I am a firm believer and supporter of your insistence upon consistency. For example, my rule is students raise their hand quietly instead of calling out to get my attention. It’s October and virtually all students obey this rule except a few. They can be 12 inches away, call out, and I refuse to answer until they follow rule. I notice when they call out to answer a question, and I don’t answer, they will refuse to raise their hand even after their peers prompt them to raise their hand. Am I being rude, or am I am being consistent when I ignore them until they raise their hand? There are still others who blurt out mildly inappropriate remarks without raising their hand. If I address their remark, then they know they can get my attention without raising their hand. So how do I manage the situation while still being consistent with my rule?
You are being consistent. When that happens praise someone who raised their hand. Than you Trey for raising your hand.
Thanks!! I will do that moving forward
Hi Pete,
This is a big question I don’t have time or space to answer here. I’ll try to work it into a future article. You may also consider personal coaching—as I would have questions for you in order narrow in on the core issue.
Could this be an instance of your classroom rules being broken? I use the 4 rules Mr. Linsin suggests on this website, so if a student calls out at an inappropriate time, they get a warning (or a time-out, or a letter home…depending on how many times it happens in a day). Sounds harsh, but when followed every single time it really does work! With a massive amount of modeling what an appropriate response is (including how a hand should be raised), students are happy to know the boundaries within which they can be a participant in the class. If you were belittling students who didn’t raise their hand, or using sarcasm to address them, then yes I would say that is indeed rude. Holding students accountable for the classroom rules in a quiet, respectful manner is anything but rude! It is a service to them – providing an environment they can all learn in. Keep up the good work! It sounds like you are doing a great job!
I really appreciate everyone of your articles.
Professional and superb advice which always leads to a win win situation.
Many thanks
Gabi Beuchert
This is so timely!! I’ve been searching for a way to process and handle my growing negative emotions about a few students. Thank you so much for this article!
Such an appropriate article for me to receive. I am part way through a mindfulness course to teach to children. This article embodies the need for mindfulness in our lives. Thank you
AMEN! Thanks for this reminder.
My wife, Susan, is a preschool teacher with a background in special education. She is currently struggling with a student who’s behavior is challenging. Like most students, this one’s background is full of intervening variables that make compassion a top priority at school.
Thanks for putting out the word regarding relational norms and the expectations inherent across settings. School, I believe, may be the most stable environment in a student’s life.
How do you respond to students that are defiant or disrespectful? What comes next after acknowledging that it is the child ‘s circumstances or experience that makes him/her disruptive?
I, too, would like an answer to Elizabeth’s above question. Several of the second grade students I teach in Music specials don’t respond well to ANY form of attention cue, consequence, or reminder/warning. I don’t look forward to second grade day because of this. Quite a challenge, but I won’t quit looking for the possible solution(s) that can help us be successful.
I too need guidance. As a music teacher I see all 600 students in the school. I have read your books and emails and this year is so much better than last. Though I understand that these children need consistency, there are a couple that increase their disruption until the class cannot proceed. My admin says catch them before the cycle starts (yet they can’t do that either!) I am taking a long term approach of greeting them and chatting outside of class to develop a positive relationship, but I still feel if I have them removed from my class, then we would lose ground.
“Love, after all, is not an emotion. Rather, it’s the active pursuit of what’s best for another.”
This article is gold. And I’ve seen exactly the results you’ve promised. It may not always be easy, but it really IS this simple.
So refreshing to have a constant flow of positive, solution-oriented advice that, at the same time, is realistic and achievable.
Thank you once again, Michael.
I have been so disgruntled with one of my students lately. I needed to read this for sure. I’ve tried so many different things with this student with no success.
So true. There are reasons, but no excuses. We can love them best by enforcing appropriate guidelines and sticking to them. They really want us to do this.
Michael, your ideas have changed my classroom and I will be forever grateful! 🙂
I’m so glad to hear it, Wendy. Thanks for being a regular reader.
I work at a private school with wealthier students. How do I feel compassion for a difficult student when I know they have come from a good family and have been raised well? Thanks
Wealthy kids can and do experience trauma and bad parenting. Growing up with money doesn’t automatically make a kid well-adjusted. In fact, in my experience plenty wealthy or upper-middle class children are victims of extreme permissiveness, hovering/hyper-vigilance, or even neglect. Sometimes their parents are high-achieving alcoholics and addicts. Sometimes their parents are successful because they work all the time and are never home.
None of these are their fault. It’s not just a poverty thing.
I, too, appreciate the comment, “Love is an active pursuit of what’s best for another.”
This came to my inbox on just the day I needed it.
If safety becomes a concern, as I teach art and fear scissors could be a concern in an angry child’s hands, and all other modes of talking, calming, or de-escalating have been tried, then we have a counselor we can call who comes and works with the child, rather than pulling them from the classroom. Then I can put my attention back to the rest of the class.
Love your website, but could you do a piece of handling the resentment you feel towards the situation? Even if I can forgive the student’s misbehavior and not take it personally, I still find their poor choices affect the quality of my life by forcing me to have to take on additional work (detentions, notes to parents, phone calls) and additional stress (trying to teach through constant disruption, rudeness and disrespect). Even if I quell the anger, the sadness of having to endure this as part of my job is definitely there. Thanks
Will do, Louise.
As a frequent reader, I can attest to this exact practice that Michael advises today. I’ve employed it the last 2 years with a young boy I had in 3rd, then 4th grade. His father is an angry man and his mother is highly emotional….this boy picked up on BOTH of these examples!!! Very tough kid to deal with on a daily basis. Patience, understanding, accountability, and a God-given love for this hurting kid has made all the difference! He is a settled thriving 5th grader.
Hope you agree, it’s quite challenging for a teacher to deal with it.
it is challenging. THE TEACHER MUST STAY CALM AND IN CONTROL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!
I’m a new teacher at an after-school organization and have been building so much resentment over Teenagers who seem like they’re above what we are doing in class and instead don’t engage. This in turn makes me feel insecure about the content. Help???!!!!