All students want to like their teacher.
But most of them don’t.
The main reason isn’t because they find them boring. It isn’t because they think they’re too strict or too uptight. It’s isn’t even because their teacher is cringy, nerdy, and uncool.
Before I share why so many teachers are disliked, it’s important to point out that it is indeed critical that your students do like you—especially in this day and age. The reason is because it gives you powerful influence over their behavior.
You see, when they like you, they’ll want to please you.
It’s the Law of Reciprocity in action, and it happens naturally. Other than being liked, there is nothing else you have to do. And the more your students like you, the stronger your influence.
This is something I’ve been writing about for years. In fact, there is a chapter on the topic in my first book, Dream Class, which was published back in 2009.
So, why are so many teachers disliked?
Because they TRY to build relationships.
Meaning, they go to students to connect with them on a personal level. They attempt to get to know them one-on-one as individuals. They learn their likes and dislikes and force their way into a conversation.
They’ve bought into the lie that influence is a function of building personal relationships with students.
It is not.
Human nature doesn’t work that way. The reality is, if you approach students with the goal of improving your rapport and influence, you’re going to do the opposite. They’re going to feel awkward, annoyed, and smothered.
Sure, they may force a smile. They may feign a positive reaction. But inside they’re squirming. It feels weird and uncomfortable to them. This has always been the case. However, it’s become more profound post-Covid and smart phone addiction.
So then how do you do it? How do you build strong, behavior-influencing likability with students without approaching them?
You let them come to you.
And they will if you do just one thing: Be consistently pleasant. That’s all. Just be the same calm and pleasant teacher every day and they will seek you out.
They’ll want to be around you and ask you (personal) questions. They’ll invite you to lunch. They’ll want to to joke with you, give you fist bumps, and talk about the funny things you say during class.
You become a red-carpet celebrity they can’t get enough of. Though simple, it’s very powerful and the only method of relationship building I’ve ever done.
A common question is “What if some students don’t come to you?” It still works. They’ll still like you and be influenced by you because of your consistent pleasantness.
This form of likability works even if you don’t know your students very well personally.
There is a lot to this topic, and you may have questions. I encourage you to visit the Rapport & Influence category of the SCM archive where you’ll find dozens of articles that address this concept from different angles.
Most of our books also get into specifics.
But just know that if you’re consistently pleasant, and nothing more, you’ll build staggering levels of influence and real rapport.
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I remember the squirming i felt as a middle schoolers when a teacher would seek me out to build rapport. Your article gave me an immediate flashback. I thought back to teachers that held the room and that was their golden key. Not homing in on individuals but acting as a whole class welcome mat. These teachers were approachable. It was their super power. They also knew what was what in their teaching area too which made them professional and accountable. I remember these teachers were golden among the students. Learning from them came naturally. Thanks for the article. It gave way to worthy reflection.
I totally agree but I’m not 100% against building relationships. I think it depends on age group. Some kids are dying to be acknowledged and accepted so approaching them first does work. Having discernment is key. And I’m giving advice as a well liked teacher
I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to read this. My school emphasizes building relationships so much that it makes me feel like I’m never doing enough and always falling short. Consistent pleasantness makes so much more sense. I feel like I do this already and have a good rapport with most of my kids.
I have developed this skill over time and it works! (I teach high school.) Where I stumble is the next phase of the relationship. Now they like me- they want to eat their lunch in my classroom, stop by before and after school, joke during class. And be “friends.” The line between being liked and friends grows blurry and I find I don’t want to let my rapport slip. At the same time, I don’t have the mental bandwidth to be friends with my students, it eats at my free moments and can pose a threat to my calm classroom. Any advice?
This is a powerful and much-needed reminder that influence grows from consistency, not intrusion. The distinction you make between approaching students to manufacture rapport and earning it through calm, predictable pleasantness really resonates, especially in today’s post-Covid, hyper-self-conscious student culture.
Many of us were trained to believe that relationship-building requires constant personal outreach, yet your explanation of why that often backfires rings true. Students don’t want to be “worked on”; they want to feel safe, respected, and unpressured. Consistent pleasantness creates exactly that environment, and, as you point out, invites students in rather than pushing ourselves into their space.
I also appreciate how freeing this message is for teachers who feel exhausted by the never-ending mandate to “do more” emotionally. Your approach restores professionalism, preserves boundaries, and still results in genuine rapport and strong behavior influence. Simple, human, and deeply practical. Thank you for articulating this so clearly.
But what if you have to be firm and give consequences, and students see it as “unfair” and that you’re “mean?”
Then you’re doing it wrong. I’ve written and talked about this topic extensively. The key is in how you set up your plan and how you follow through – among other things.
I particularly appreciate this article after having had an excellent training on preventing sexual assault and related topics. One of the key steps in grooming a child is gaining their trust and then testing and deteriorating their boundaries, and one of the common early earmarks is being very helpful and friendly in a peer-like relationship. They groom the other gatekeepers to trust them also.
This is alarming because many natural helpers get into teaching, and a peer relationship is the most familiar in our culture! It’s good to have a clear alternative ideal for those working with children, both to make it harder for predators to blend in, and to put at ease students who have been burned by excessive friendliness in the past.
Another point made by the training was the frequency of students molesting other students, including the very young repeating patterns they have witnessed. They say that most of these peer-to-peer cases start or are more visible as typical bullying, so I will be taking this opportunity to review that portion of the archives.