It could be a grade-level leader or department chair, co-teacher or seen-it-all veteran, or maybe a friend who teaches in the room next door.
But we’ve all been there.
We’ve all been annoyed by the bossy colleague who is constantly giving advice and pushing you to do things their way.
Perhaps they mean well, but you find yourself avoiding them, walking on eggshells around them, and appeasing them out of your hair. It stresses you out and adds more burden to an already challenging job.
No matter how much you try to gently discourage them, nothing changes.
And nothing will change unless you do this one thing. It’s a strategy that works fast but takes a dose of courage. It works with everyone, even the scariest mandrill of the troop.
So what is it?
It’s to calmly and respectfully repeat the same phrase whenever they begin pressuring you to do (or teach) anything you don’t want to do.
“No, I’m not going to do that.”
That’s it. That’s all you have to say. But there is magic in those words. They have the power to set a boundary that after one or two subsequent tries your bossy colleague will never cross again.
Now, if they follow up by asking why not, just say “It’s a good idea, but not right for me.” There is no need to go on and on or explain further. It’s best to let your words hang in the air or change the subject into something positive.
“I heard there’s cake in the teachers’ lounge.”
Then move on. Again, it takes some pluck. The longer they’ve been influencing you and taking you under their wing, the harder it is to make a stand. But if you’re firm as a redwood yet still remain kind and lighthearted in manner, then it will work.
They’ll ease up on the pressure and (hopefully) you can still remain friends. Yes, there is a chance they’ll get offended, which is a shame but not your problem.
You have to stand up for yourself in this profession to avoid the kind of stress that will cause you to quit teaching.
Speaking up can feel awkward and the last thing you want to do. But the discomfort is only for a few minutes then gone forever. Even in the worst case scenario – your colleague is taken aback and upset – they’ll respect you, maybe for the first time.
They’ll begin to view you as a strong, independent, and competent teacher who doesn’t need their constant input.
Say your piece, then be the same caring person. There is no reason to be standoffish or try to teach them a lesson. Stay on the high road. Wave hello and good morning when you see them. Ask about their family and weekend.
But always, with everyone, maintain and defend your personal and professional boundaries.
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This is something that we all need in today’s competitive world.
Thanks a ton for this piece.
Not only do we need it, but our bossy colleagues need it as well-
As we tell our students, you can’t change personality, but you can change behavior. Bossy will be bossy, at every opportunity. But they will quickly learn that it won’t work on you by shutting it down with the advice given in this piece!
Michael, This came precisely on the right Saturday morning! My week was clouded with a bossy colleague. Your advice is point on. I recommend your blog to every new mentee. Thank you!
I am a substitute teacher and I found the same type of phrase works great for the inevitable student advice. For example, a student says I should use their teacher’s “table points” reward system. I say, with a smile and neutral tone, “Thank you, I don’t use that.” Then I change the subject: “You have 10 seconds to get out your math books and turn to page 20.” No one ever mentions the table points again!
This is great advice. I am fortunate to teach in a small alternative high school with an amazing faculty of five. We have really gelled together this year and I can’t imagine any one of us dishing out unsolicited teaching advice. However, the other day, my principal asked me, as the veteran teacher, to talk with the other teachers about something I’m doing in my classroom and how well it’s working. I just smiled and thought to myself, “Yeah, because I really want my four colleagues to resent me.” I have no intention of doing this.
We have professional development where teachers who have a skill set to share will run the PD’s and the more inexperienced teachers appreciate the information along with examples.
Thank you. I have a narcissistic coworker who is always trying to one-up me or offer unsolicited advice…even though I have taught the same grade for many more years than she has! This prepared response will help a lot.
I did this, and it stopped a runaway curriculum hijacker right in her tracks!
I still smile when I think of the look on her face as she slowly processed when I had just said, because she’d apparently not be told this before.
I not generally confrontational- this was a step out of character, but when it comes to my students’ welfare and my sanity, I have some Mama Bear in me.
Thanks for the heads-up about the cake.
I used to work with a bossy colleague. She had been a teacher in another country, but was just a teaching assistant at the time we worked together. We had the same duties and responsibilities, but she always told me what to do. One day, I pointed to our lead teacher and told “bossy boots,” “You see that lady over there? She’s the one who tells me what to do in this classroom.” Didn’t really have any problems after that, AND she was transferred to another classroom the next year.
I have done this quietly and politely. In the spirit of sharing I sometimes share what it is I do instead because perhaps my system/idea will work even better for them than the one they are sharing. Sharing information is part of collaboration and teamwork and everyone should be open to learning new things/ways to do things, no matter whether you are a new teaching with new ideas or a veteran with tried and true favorites. It’s the “pushy” that gets the pushback.
I did this early on in my last job. The teacher had the guts to go to the headmaster to make me do it. He stuck up for me.
The wrong bossy may be one to share that you have set assignments and time frames and limitations in which to perform them. Being over bossy is a lot different from sharing advice and/or experiences, suggestions and ideas. Always know who has the position of being your boss and spend as much time as you can following your boss is my suggested method. Being able to discuss methods is a good help to me. There is always more than one way to get the job done, What works for you may not work as well for the next worker and his/her group of students.