Here at SCM, we believe building influential relationships with students is critical—for many reasons. Not the least of which is that it makes everything, especially managing behavior, easier.
Which is why we’ve gone to lengths in our books to break down in the simplest terms how to do it. Following a few core tenets will promise strong trusting rapport between you and your class.
However, from this effective base it’s possible to go even deeper.
It’s not for everybody, nor is it essential. But it’s possible and available if you want it. I’ve long known about this particular strategy I’m going to describe to you, but have been reluctant to share it.
It’s more nuanced than I’m used to explaining and I don’t want to confuse anyone. But if you’re game, and okay with subtlety and a bit of mystery, then read on.
First, let’s assume that you’ve attained the prerequisite solid classroom management skills through an adherence to the complete SCM approach.
Otherwise, if you haven’t reached this level of expertise and consistency, the strategy is unlikely to work. You must have a strong foundation before going deeper and more influential. That last word, influential, is the key and reason why you may desire to take this next step.
The more influence you have, the more effective in motivating and inspiring students to pursue academic excellence and polite, courteous behavior. It also gives you a chance to reach those students already given up on by administration and your fellow teachers.
The strategy, in its simplest form, is to have greater empathy. It’s to be able to put yourself in your students’ shoes.
I don’t mean trying to think about how they might feel in certain circumstances, though this can be part of it. I mean actually dropping into their wavelength of temperament, vitality, and worldview, which can open a door of influence to a whole other level.
There are three ways to make such a connection.
1. Mimic energy.
Though it wanes and surges, each of us carries a preset hum of energy from birth, a default setting that inhabits our being as we go about each day.
It’s subtle, but something you can notice within each of your students. By just being aware of it, and adjusting to it, you can slowly begin mimicking their individual energy when you interact with them.
You can feel it when you’re “in the pocket” so to speak and tuned to the same frequency. It’s a comfortable, easy feeling they’ll experience as well, even without saying a word.
2. Tapping into your inner child.
I know it sounds woo-woo, but it really isn’t. What I’m referring to is that person you were at your students’ age and that is still part of who you are now.
Can you tap into the emotions, challenges, and place in the world you held when you were six, eleven, or sixteen years old?
This isn’t attached to anything you must do or say. It merely enables you to reach their same locus of understanding, so they can see you as someone who really gets them.
3. Retaining the core you.
This may or may not be something you can necessarily do anything about. However, if you have a strong sense of who you are that goes back to childhood, you’re better able to connect with children.
Maybe it helps to consider how you haven’t changed. In this way you can better occupy that particular time in your life that matches your grade level.
You can also consider the times you’ve struggled, failed, misbehaved, overreacted, assumed defeat, and even succeeded. In this way, you can better drop into each student’s current state of perception.
True Empathy
Making deeper connections with students takes strong observational powers, which is a characteristic of great teaching. It takes forgetting yourself completely and focusing on your students. It takes personal control, self-confidence, and heightened awareness.
You know you’re on the right track when you speak to students and all their usual defenses—averted eyes, closed body language, tight lips, dishonesty, etc.—are gone.
Instead, so comfortable in your presence, and without prompting, they look at you—really look at you—and tell you the truth about anything and everything.
This is the power of true empathy.
Tapping into this ability is admittedly mysterious. I don’t fully get it myself, and I know to some I may sound off my rocker, but it’s real. It exists and it’s possible. My sense is that other than the three guidelines above, undistracted observation is key.
Once you establish yourself as a solid, effective SCM teacher, it’s worth a look, especially if you teach exceptionally challenging students.
It’s worth an exploration into reaching a level of influence and open communication whereby your words regarding the values of hard work and kindness to others are heard, cherished, and acted upon.
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Love the idea. I think this is something I’ve done subconsciously but I’m keen to have it as a tool I use more intentionally.
I’m wondering what it might look like to mimic the energy of a student that is reserved or even depressed? Or on tbe other end, a student who is heightened or aggressive?
I would love to know this too. There are a lot of depressed kids these days. I have one who goes to the restroom and cries in one of the stalls every morning. She is getting help but it worries me.
I would pull her aside and ask if there is anything you could do to help. Try not to pry but ask her if everything is ok and if she needs someone to talk to you will listen.
If appropriate give her a hug and show her warmth and understanding.
I don’t think you match that energy but diffuse it by not reacting or feeding it with that energy. It’s about building trust. I feel being consistent, patient and calmness over time they see they can trust you.
Our calmness does create an atmosphere and f calmness and students feel safe.
I also feel our natural inclination is to correct negative behaviors harshly. If a child just sees he/she is only getting the negative response they can feel defeated.
It may take a while though to build that trust.
Thank you for this article.
I sensed from the deeper connection you are alluding to almost a spiritual connection which is beyond words but very experiential. There seems to be an inner knowing and understanding which acknowledges the child for who they are without any external validation. It is truly a beautiful thing to experience.
Great read today. Thanks. As an art director, teacher, photographer sharing my passion to high school students is a reward in and of itself. Being a creative right brained thinker and doer I share stories of who I was as a young student. The good, the bad, and naughty. I emphasize my understanding of self and many respect those stories. And in the art classroom there’s room to visually roam in thoughts and I stress, you don’t need to know how or even what to know how to draw, that is also creating freedom to find who you are as a student.
This is exactly what I needed to hear! This is me to a T! I just thought this was normal but this year I used every strategy you have given and my classroom worked at the highest level I’ve ever seen! And since I am already this type of person my lowest and hardest to reach students soared this year!!!!!
My favorite thing to do is tell them stories about my bad self in school where they still paddled. I tell them that this reading passage makes me shut down. Or before I teach a lesson I let them know I was thinking of them and how they might respond so I have some things to help!
I love this article! Thank you!
This was a great read, thank you for sharing your insights on how to make deeper connections with students.
I find it easy to connect with my students, even those that have already been labeled “bad” and I was never really able to identify why that was, but after reading your article I realized s
that I was doing some of the actions you mentioned without thinking and that helped me break the barriers.
I get it.