They seem happy around their classmates. They do their work. They follow directions.
But it’s clear they don’t like you.
You never get a smile. You rarely get eye contact. When you speak to them they return one-word answers or nothing at all.
If you’re being honest, it bothers you. In fact, you can’t stop thinking about it. So you try to get to the bottom of it.
“Did I do something to upset you?”
“Hey, what’s bothering you?”
“If I offended you, please let me know.”
But going to the student, approaching them and pushing for an explanation, is a mistake.
Here’s why:
It has nothing to do with you.
Unless you berated them, criticized them personally, or chided them with sarcasm, it isn’t about you. It’s about adults in general.
Perhaps they don’t trust teachers because of previous experiences. Maybe they’ve been abused, hurt, or neglected by family and are now distrustful of authority figures.
You’ll push them away.
You must let them come to you. This is our advice at SCM when building rapport with all students, but especially those who are shy or wary of adults.
When you go to them with questions and conversation starters you make them uncomfortable and associate yourself with the fake charmers who disappointed them in the past.
You begin taking it personally.
It’s only natural. When someone rejects you, it hurts. It bugs you and gets under your skin, especially if you feel slighted day after day.
It can make you want to get revenge. Not so much consciously, but as a defensive reflex. And you can’t hide resentment. Before long, they’ll know that you don’t like them right back.
What to Do
The solution is to focus outwardly toward all your students and create a classroom they like being part of. This has so many wonderful benefits including a growing appreciation for you.
You only need to be consistently pleasant and in time even the most distrustful student will come around. It’s a phenomenon that has been proven over and over (and over) again here at SCM.
It’s so predictive, in fact, that it’s our most powerful and efficient strategy for building rapport and behavior-changing influence.
Try not to judge or concern yourself with student reactions, especially in the beginning of the year. Be oblivious to them.
You are the leader of the classroom and must maintain a level of professional distance.
Be great at teaching and classroom management. Do your job well and demand high standards for yourself and your students. Be ordinarily kind and pleasant, no more, and ignore any dirty looks or non-reactions to you.
Have the courage to do what is right and best for your students long term, every day, and they’ll learn that it’s true. They’ll come to know that you’re not just another cranky or wish-washy or phony adult.
But rather someone they can trust and admire.
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Another great post – thank you! As a substitute teacher, there is one class that I cover sometimes with an interesting student. When she asks a question for clarification or understanding, I give her the help she needs and then she responds with something along the lines of : “Oooooooooh, reallllly? I never thought of that!!” and a big fake smile. 🙁 Then she’ll ask for help again and ask questions like: “What is 2×1?” (she’s in grade 6) I can’t get her to interact with me without this sarcastic persona that she puts on, not even a hello. It’s perplexing to me as she doesn’t do it with her regular teacher. Passive aggressive maybe?
Sounds like a typical middle schooler. Ignore the sarcasm, and don’t respond back with sarcasm. Just give her a straight answer, and send her on her way. If she sees you give a reaction she’ll keep doing it. The best response is no reaction at all.
I actually had a student with a similar attitude. He simply did not want to be there. Totally closed up. In the beginning, it ate me up, but then I figured just what you mentioned: it wasn’t about me. Once I got that clear, I started treating him like all the other kids, with one exception: I didn’t push him. If he didn’t answer, I’d skip to the next student. If he didn’t participate, I’d continue as if nothing. Within 2 months I had that student eating out of my hand! He became one of my best students! Even his mother asked me what I had done to him. My reply: loved him to bits.
Thank you for this! I completely agree about the shy students. I have a bit of a different situation, with a student who feels that I am unfairly critical of him. At the same time, I cannot ignore that he is consistently late to class, talks, and distracts students around him, then is openly defiant and rude to me. This is happening with all his teachers. Any conversation or interaction with me, even affirmation for work that is done well, is twisted into a negative. What do you recommend in a case like this?
Hi Pam,I would talk to the student 1:1 to make expectations clear, then together set 1 or 2 personal goals. Write them down and have the student sign them, and let the parents know also. Then find ways to catch the student doing the right thing and positively praise, get them to help with jobs etc. to build them up. Good activities for students with attitude can be also to “find the teachers mistakes.”
This! I have a student this year who was not friendly with me for half the year. He needed time to trust me.
This is truth right here! I teach 4th grade and have a student who wears a mask, sweatshirt, and pants daily, regardless of weather. She is hiding from everyone. When I would call in her or need to speak to her, she was barely audible.
Each morning, I greet my students one by one as they enter the classroom. They choose how. About half want a hug, and others want a high five, fist bump, handshake, etc. Students who would rather not have physical contact just hold their hands up and say good morning. She, obviously, wanted no physical contact, and I even had to teach her that it’s polite to say “good morning” when someone says it to you.
I constantly had to tell myself to treat her as if she is just like the others. And I did. On the rare occasion she would raise her hand in class, I would call on her, even though she was difficult to hear. But her voice has gotten louder, and she now loves to come up to the board to walk us through her math strategies or whatever.
And just this week, she came in for a good morning hug. Not a weak one either. It was a good, solid hug. Even though I felt so excited, I just smiled, hugged her, and said good morning like I do with the others. She did it again the next day.
As the article said, consistency is key. Having never had a student quite like this, I felt unsure of how to handle her at the beginning of the year. So, I decided to just do what I do. Consistently. It took until we have only 7 weeks left in the school year, but this has confirmed for me that being consistent is truly a recipe for success.
What do you do when you have 5 kiddos in 1 class that have been difficult all year? I have tried many things you mentioned in your article, we have 21 days of school left, they have been difficult since day 5!!!! 😳 They cheer when they they get consequences, they haven’t participated, they feed off each other. They have even had counselors come and go.
Hey, as I read through your post I smile because we both ride in the same boat. Only in my case I have 7 disruptive students feeding off each other. I have tried different strategies and researched some days it may work other days it doesn’t. I stumbled on a video on YouTube feed their needs not sure what series. The tips were very helpful. I started all over like first day of school. I gave everyone a job, made them teacher helpers on to make them feel important and restate my classroom management plan
Thank you for recommending Feed Their Needs YouTube channel! She has wonderful recommendations for managing disrespectful students and classroom management. We teachers need each other more than ever!
I totally agree ,if you push you will be pushed, you can’t force anyone to be nice to you especially teenagers.From my experience the best way is to do your job well and demand high standards for yourself and your students. Be ordinarily kind and pleasant, no more, and ignore any dirty looks or non-reactions to you.
Exactly as it said above, the unpleasant student will approach to you gradually.
I have a student who was in the 5th grade at the start of this year, I was not teaching her, I really grew to like her very much and treated her very well anytime I passed by her class or saw her around, some of her mates even got jealous. But recently she has totally withdrawn from me, it’s like she’s not the one I showed so much concern to sometime back, she goes around telling people that I’m not a good tutor because of what she heard about me. She is now in my class in 6th grade since just last week,I won’t lie, it hurts me so much that things are now this way,