What could possibly be wrong with praising students for being kind?
After all, altruism is something you want to encourage, right? You want to create a classroom where doing for others is common practice.
It makes everything easier and more pleasant.
So when you see it, you let ’em know. You praise loud and proud. You high five and say, “Way to go!” And hopefully, other students will notice your acknowledgement and want to do the same.
It makes perfect sense.
But it’s a mistake. It’s a mistake that actually discourages altruistic behavior. Keep praising and you’ll see less of it, not more.
Here’s why:
It turns kindness into work.
Our sense of empathy dampens when we receive something external in return for our kind acts. Because, you see, payment in any form weakens the moment’s intrinsic value.
It cheapens it and can even cause us to start believing the lie that we deserve to be paid for doing something that comes natural and feels good as is. We start looking around to see who’s noticed.
Praise over time effectively removes the joy of helping others.
This isn’t something we’re consciously aware of. It just is. It happens predictably. Thus, the more praise you give students in response to doing good the less moved they’ll feel to keep doing it.
It snuffs out happiness.
Depending on who you talk to, there are dozens of definitions of happiness. But one thing is for certain: Feeling as if you’re a benefit to others is deeply satisfying.
It encourages you to use your unique skills and traits to be of service. It motivates you to seek more of the feeling by stepping in to help. Any praise you receive pales in comparison and can tarnish your actions.
In time, as mentioned above, it warps our empathetic nature. Many students nowadays have been praised and rewarded so much that they’re all but dead inside, chasing hits of dopamine from social media and video games.
—While ignoring the needs of those around them.
The best thing you can do is limit the cold hypnotism of technology in your classroom and allow your own model of kindness to heal them and rehabilitate their empathy muscles.
It causes students to lose themselves.
Over time, and because of popular culture and social media, students begin searching for recognition from others to the exclusion of anything else. They chase not what dreams are in their heart, but what others want and expect for them.
This is no way to live.
It’s sad and tragic but epidemic in our culture—and not just among students. By chasing affirmation you wind up trapped in a career, relationship, or lifestyle that causes you stress and unhappiness.
Like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole, you live a life that was meant for someone else. While your dreams are dashed or laying dormant within.
Yes, I know it sounds extreme and dramatic. It’s just a little praise. But the leap from praising what is already good to losing one’s soul isn’t very far.
So How Should You Praise?
Praise is something you give as a form of feedback in response to new learning, effort, or achievement beyond what your students have done before.
It’s directed not at them, but at their work.
“That is a good, clear sentence.”
“Your summary is thorough and right on the mark.”
“The routine was done perfectly.”
This form of praise is a homing device. By showing students what success is and feels like, it let’s them know they’re heading in the right direction.
It doesn’t flatter or manipulate. It isn’t over the top, nor does it exaggerate.
It’s honest and worthy and done to communicate and define what is good and in their best interest.
PS – If a student does something nice for you or the class, you can, and should, say thank you.
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Sorry to disagree with you, but school isn’t just about academics. It’s about helping people become good people, to have good character, and to reflect on their behaviors. I teach middle school and I teach character – have you heard of character education? Why do I need to teach character – because it isn’t happening at home. There is nothing wrong with praising students for making good decisions concerning social situations. I don’t know if you have to do it in front of the rest of the class, but I will pull a student aside and praise them for having good manners, kindness, respect, responsibility, and other ethics/values because I appreciate those qualities and I am trying to cultivate those behaviors. These behaviors are important and when they become habits, they lead to success.
I agree. Simple phrases like thank you for showing consideration for others, or thank you for caring about our classroom/playground or Mary is leading by example go a long way in reinforcing positive behavior and cultivating a classroom environment of kindness and respect. Happy to hear that you are staying the course – we are leading the way for the next generation, and learning from them too along the way!!
Well said, I agree as a Middle School IA
I totally agree with you!
Hi Michael,
Thank you so much for this article. I was just wondering if it is OK to say thank you to a student mot praise when that student does an act of kindness to another student. Like lending them a pen, pencil, etc. Or is it better to ask the student to say thank you for lending them something?
You suggestions for praising do not apply to someone doing good deeds.
Man! This one is so hard for me! As a teacher for 24 years, it’s so ingrained in my teaching style to praise my first graders whenever I see kind behavior, good choices, or great work. I’m going to have to work on this.
I can see that singling someone out for a single act may not be productive, for the reasons mentioned above, but my classroom ethic is built on being kind and respectful towards each other, and THEN we can learn. Being kind is how we ALL want to be towards ALL of us. That philosophy drives our behavior as a community.
I worry that in the article above the focus is too much on individual acts, and not on encouraging a general way of being, which to me is much more important and leads to a way of life. The kindness in our classroom is celebrated as building our community, not as a personal achievement. Seeing and recognizing kindness is not about building an ego, but about showing where we as humans are vulnerable and need each other. In building a safe, collaborative, and kind classroom, we learn better together, we sustain each other, we are there for each other (teacher and students alike) through hard times.
I love the advice you give in this article but with this one I think you have missed the mark.
I think we need to let kids know when we see them being kind. Being kind is one of our classroom goals. It is not a one time event, it is ongoing. It is part of social and emotional learning. Kids need to learn how to interact with others and if it’s not natural and authentic then they need to practice!
Some valid points Michael. I always try to acknowledge not praise, altruistic students when ever possible and especially in the learning skills section of report cards where I refer to it, so that families can be proud of their students.
Altruism is an often-overlooked component of the “leadership” that the whole world seems to aspire to – as if everyone is going to become a leader in the traditional sense. Non-altruistic people, often wrapped up in themselves, are usually oblivious to altruism on the part of others.
So I try to recognize, acknowledge and appreciate thoughtfulness and altruism in students.
I think just a smile toward a student that showed kindness says it all.
Hello all, there is something interesting I am noticing with the comments. People don’t like with holding praise. Several have stated how it has been they run their classroom for years. Great. But to play devil’s advocate here, I ask the question: Is it working?
We are seeing a general decline in students attitude in learning and in how they treat each other and others in society. I am NOT saying that the teachers and the classroom are to blame, please do not take it that way.
What I am saying is maybe the system is not working. It does seem counter intuitive but why not try it?
To be honest, I think he may be on to something. My school interdicted “merits” a few years ago. Our new principal started acknowledging students who received merits during the end of day announcements. Some students started making negative comments, such as, why is that student being praises when I do the same thing and no one says anything.
Character is who you are and what you do when no one is looking, maybe public recognition does discourage this.
“My school introduced “merits” a few years ago. Our new principal started acknowledging students who received merits during the end of day announcements.”
IMO: That’s when praising goes too far…evidence the comments made by the other students during the announcements. Students will just tune it all out.
I really appreciate your comment. I have a mandated SEL curriculum, and it’s fine for exploring SE control, recognizing kindness and empathy and even demonstrating some tools and strategies. But I agree, all the merit programs and rewards programs that have seen over the years have done nothing to improve the climate. Kids either give up, because they’ll “never win”, or they start to feel like they are not good enough. If students are “learning” empathy and kindness at home then I can teach it best by role modeling it, and sharing my experiences with altruism and how great it feels to help others. If we want our students to grow into adults that are empathetic and compassionate, they have to feel the benefit inside.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Argh. My phone typing too.
*if students are NOT “learning”
Agreed.
Great perspective!
These are some of my thoughts as well. I think kids liked reading better before we demanded a certain number of pages. Star charts seem to have mixed results. My students constantly ask , “is this for a grade?” as in, why should I make any effort if I will not be “paid” for it. I hear “good job” so often that it annoys me. Maybe a smile IS enough.
I haver a different understanding of altruism. Altruism is the ABSOLUTE SACRIFICE, Being bad to yourself. Not about being good to others. Thank you, Nigel A. JAMES Vienna
Should we then get rid of Student of the Month? Surely there is more than one kind/respectful/honest, etc. kid in the classroom, but only one can win.
I apologize for the misuse of words, I have been typing on my phone and autocorrect is not always my friend. LOL.
We praise kids all the time for all sorts of things they should just automatically do. Do you think that is why we are seeing worse behavior? Because they are not getting enough good feedback from us anymore when they follow directions the first time, clean up after themselves, get to school on time or treat others with kindness to make it worth their while? Thanks!
Yes! They get accustomed to and expect constant recognition for the least act of empathy or simple task and don’t do them if they do not get that “hit” of acknowledgment. We deny them the satisfaction of intrinsic reward.
Nailed it!
This article really defined kindness as acts of unconditional love (no expectation of getting something in return).
I agree with Beth about role-modelling as the best way to teach empathy and with Michael that thanking someone for a kindness received is the way to go – also a basic standard of social behaviour.
The examples of how to give praise in the form of feedback on the actions rather than the person were really helpful.
Praise can be like a drug. If kids are constantly praised for everything good thing then over time they build up a tolerance. They never internalize responsibility and mature. The praise also means less and less.
Plus, if all actions, big or small, receive praise then all actions become of equal value. Which also means the value of praise lessens.
When kids can make a positive contribution and hold responsibility then they feel like they belong. That’s what we all want. We want to belong someplace, to know what we do makes a positive impact on others. This becomes the drive, not the praise.
Should we give praise? Yes. But we need to do so in a directed manner and at a time when maybe it would have the most impact. Such as a time, when a kid is struggling with a certain chapter. To come along side and remind them of a time that they over came a challenge before would be great. That is praising more of who they are not what they are doing.
I wonder if the word “acknowledge” would help some of us who are grappling with this idea. When I quietly say to a student, “I saw that you opened the door for Shannon when she had her hands full of stuff. That was very helpful for her. Well done.” I think I acknowledge, or recognize what they did, and affirm that they are learning what we’ve been trying to teach in class. However, I think carefully before I mention specific acts in front of the class. When I do speak to the whole class, I use specific “actions” as examples, not students by name. For example, “When I see an older student tie a younger student’s shoe, or someone offer to help pick up spilled markers, that makes my heart happy because I’m seeing that my class is learning how to show kindness to each other.”
I don’t think it’s wrong to let kids know you notice, and you approve.
We may not really need to “praise” kids but help them realize the internal feeling they got from doing something good or being good. That way they want that feel good feeling and would me more inclined to do it again. It doesn’t have to necessarily be an external “praise”. Also it’s not all or nothing. You can give praise, in my opinion, just not for every little thing they do! 😉
I agree with you. I have found, that if I just smile, and enjoy the moment with them, it is best.
I have also found, that if I have a difficult student, I ask them for help. Help getting the door, getting something down for me…carrying something and then say thank you. This sends a silent message that I like them. You don’t ask for help from someone you don’t like. It has often changed the whole relationship.
Saying thank you, is much better than praise.
I don’t see how praising a student for helping those in need is a bad thing. If anything, praising will benefit those providing a lending hand by encouraging them to continue to do so. I am sorry, but I disagree with you. However, thank you so much for providing us with your point of view.
Michael this a great post. When I reflect upon all my exposures to methods & practices, the first one that comes to me is Lee Canter, next there is a plethora; Fred Jones ( don’t nag, use energy efficiently ) Rick Morris ( great methods and reasons for the method ), then there is Michael Linsin ( not enough room to summarize all of the wisdom ).
Perhaps a related post might explain a better approach besides avoiding explicit reinforcement for altruistic student behavior.
I tell my students that I would like them to develop their intrinsic actions because it is a constructive individual effort that cannot be duplicated by another student unless it is completed in isolation of the observed altruistic behavior by the first student.
Tom Binninger
Hello Michael,
Firstly, excellent thoughts, so obvious that there’d be no discussion, if it were not for women voices offering inane and syrupy incantations they confuse with education.
By now, tens of millions of students have gone through the nauseating character modification palaver advised by a warp sense of misplaced kindness.
Women must stop parenting in school and begin teaching!
Cookie-cutter character modification doesn’t work. I grew up in a communist country and have real authority to speak here.
Now, parents will always have an upper hand; they provide nourishment, roof, warm bed, real praise and heed long-term interests of their children. By God, they provided their children with their own DNA. They FEEL their children. They live in absolute proximity to their children during the most importan years that don’t include school . Many parents cherish their children! They can sacrifice their lives for their children. Don’t you, oh reader! Kids’ lives depend on their parents, good or bad. Kids’ lives do not depend on their teachers. What does the teacher have to offer 100+students each year?
A regular teacher has 80-90 students each year. They aren’t able to know their ever changing carousel of faces and behaviors. To offer the right advice to a growing person requires accuracy and patience, attention to detail and a massive heart with a strong character.
Next, offering praise in school is also robbing the parent of an opportunity to praise their own offspring on a continuum. Mom always knows if her child deserves praise. Women teachers are cheating their students by competing with their mothers, or fathers.
What can you offer, oh teacher of the day? A fishing trip a boy has been dreaming about? A quiet evening reading a little girl is longing for to stay close to her mom, who is busy and tired, which both of them need? And on and on.
Leave you with this thought:Disobedience, ungratefulness, willfulness, disruption, disrespect, profanity, bulling, vandalism, outright aggression towards teachers are at the unheard of levels.
The list is long, be honest, people! And the final act of hatred the child can exert-school shootings.
Offer youngsters something they can use in their lives, like EDUCATION.
We don’t offer meaning praise. We offer manipulation. That’s the skill we are teaching! Are we proud? And we dare to patronize Michael with our opinions for being DIRECT with you?
How else can the concept enter our well-trained brains which are inoculated against differing opinions?
Fight for your students’ dignity. Leave your syrupy incantations at the class’ door. Do not compete with parents and then call home to demand measures. We need millions of Michaels in our schools. And the blog is read by how many teachers…..?
And we didn’t even get to the level of education of today’s students. Want a discussion from a foreigner?
Fatherlessness in our society makes lives of all women horrendously difficult. You, women teachers, again, have to, alone, carry the burden of spineless men who abandon their children. Pathetic cowards who choose alcohol or drugs or cheap female attention before their mighty duty of raising the future with your own hands.
You,women teachers, can offer strong love, not weak words. The world will change and you will be the true heroes of this beautiful country.
PS I am glad I am not on the receiving end of some choicest morsels of wisdom many pithy readers are ready to offer.
Hi, I just wondering what you have to say about “narration” done in private, and without adding any words of praise. Obviously not to manipulate the rest of the class into behaving, but to help the students become more self aware, and that they should feel ‘seen’ which leads to them feeling safe and secure in the classroom. An example of this would be “I noticed you were careful to put back the books on the right shelf in the library. I see you are careful with school property.” Any thoughts on that?
Here’s my Lecture No. 1A to kids about good behavior, manners, kindness, fine work, etc. Lulu/Bob (pick a name of the model student-human being) got a licorice stick as a reward for picking up all the trash on the floor without being told or asked. Does it really matter that they received a piece of candy for their effort? No, it doesn’t. Why? Because at the end of the day, Lulu/Bob can go home feeling insanely good inside, in here (I point to my heart) that they are contributing members of society and have every right to feel proud of themselves. Furthermore, it does not even matter that I, their teacher, am deeply proud of them, because what truly matters is how they feel about themselves. They are the ones who must navigate their lives to the best of their ability and aim for the best outcome and the best life ever. Candy be damned!!