I’ve written about angry parents, complaining parents, uncaring parents, and overly chatty parents—and how best to deal with each.
But never bully parents.
So I thought I’d stick with the theme of the past two weeks and take on what is an incredibly stressful experience for teachers.
A parent that demands, questions, browbeats, sabotages, and otherwise makes your life miserable can only be handled with a light but shrewd touch.
Here’s how:
Lay it out ahead of time.
Before the school year even begins you must create your syllabus or parent information packet with the assumption that the child with the nightmare parent everyone dreads will be assigned to your class.
In other words, you’re going to gear your back-to-school communication toward them.
This entails laying out your highly specific grading and homework policies, classroom management plan, volunteer procedure, daily schedule, basic curriculum, and when and how to contact you.
You’ll also go over these at back to school night.
The idea is to be transparent from the get-go, get parents on record for understanding your program, and answer any and all potential complaints or reasons for dissatisfaction ahead of time.
Set up communication boundaries.
Never make yourself available every day after school.
I’ve heard dozens of teachers tell me over the years that they don’t have a choice. Yes, you do. Create strict office hours that work best for you but that allow some flexibility for parents.
You should also request parents make an appointment. No, this isn’t asking too much. They don’t have free access to you whenever they want it.
The idea that these protections will somehow make bully parents even angrier is untrue. In fact, the opposite happens. By setting up parameters, and being clear about your plans, policies, procedures, expectations, etc., they’ll have more respect for you.
Don’t be friends with parents.
Sorry, I know how many teachers become friends with parents. However, in the long run it’s a mistake. You should always keep a professional and emotional distance from parents.
The more they see you as a friend, the lower will be your status as an expert and master of your craft. Even if you don’t become friends with the bully, they’ll view you as less than other professionals that work with their child like doctors and therapists.
Furthermore, being friends with some parents looks suspicious to the others. Are you playing favorites? Do your friendships affect how you grade or treat their child?
Very likely, though subconsciously, the answer is yes.
Make your room a sanctuary.
If everyone who enters your classroom doesn’t walk in like they’re entering a museum, then you need to make it even more reverent in appearance.
Neatness and lack of clutter matters. It matters in your students’ focus, mood, satisfaction, perceived safety, and ultimately learning.
And it matters to parents, who must perceive you as a person of standing in the community. The difference in this regard between two teachers can be staggering, like the distance between rims of the Grand Canyon.
This also leads to a high level of politeness and discourse between you and parents, who will respectfully knock on your door and apologize before entering to drop of a lunch or missed homework assignment.
Be friendly.
Done right, this alone will usually subvert any bully. After setting up a meeting—and even if they catch you out of your classroom—smile and be open to anything they have to say.
After all, you have your published and closely followed syllabus to back your policies.
Be extremely friendly, even gregarious. Humor, while maintaining your professionalism, is also very powerful. By simply being overtly kind and good-natured you can take the wind right out of their sails.
Ask how they are. Tell them how much you enjoy having Junior in your class and how well he’s doing. They want reassurance, first and foremost, that you have their child’s best interest at heart.
Prove to them you do in a gentle but friendly way, and they’ll almost always smile back and thank you—yes, even that parent who has been a vampire with every other teacher.
Listen, first and always.
If they have a legitimate concern—or one they consider legitimate—just listen. Take what they have to say seriously. Nod, hold your chin in your hand, and maintain eye contact.
Say nothing until they’re finished, even if they mischaracterize you or make an assumption about an incident with their child. Most often, people who are angry just want to be heard. So hear them out.
Let them vent.
When they finish, tell them you understand and then briefly explain A.) How you’re going to fix their problem or B.) how the problem has already been fixed. There is almost always a way to do this without bending you policies and rules, which you must never do.
If they do question a rule or policy, then explain how it’s in place for one reason only: to protect their child and their right to learn and enjoy being in your class.
Follow up.
Whatever the demand or complaint, be sure you follow up within a day or so to let the parent know what you did to correct the problem or massage it in such a way that it no longer exists.
Be brief and stick to the facts.
Also, and again, be kind and thank them for bringing it to your attention. Turn the tables and appreciate them. Surprise them with your kindness and professional thoroughness.
Do what no other teacher has done before.
It’s a common psychological desire to feel appreciated and hard to resist the person it comes from. It triggers the Law of Reciprocity, which will turn them into marmalade and infuse the desire to pay back the goodness you’ve done them.
Blame administration.
Not literally, of course. However, if a parent complains about or is angry over an administrative or school-wide policy, never try to defend it. Don’t bash it. Just never explain or answer for it.
Discussing it at all is above your pay grade. You just work there. You have enough policies to defend all on your own.
Thus, if a parent approaches you, just smile and say “I wish I could help, but it’s not up to me. You might want to check with the office.”
And here’s the thing: Principals appreciate this.
It prevents them from having to get involved after the fact. Plus, they know how to defend their own policies far better than you. Just make sure you give the boss a heads up so they can be ready.
Follow your plan like a referee.
This is a common refrain here at SCM because it’s so important, for many reasons. Not the least of which is because it protects you from the charge that you treat students differently based on how you feel about them personally.
It also protects you from your personal biases, implicit or otherwise.
Once the word gets out that you’re inconsistent or that you berate or lecture students, then you open yourself up to justifiably angry parents. Furthermore, you provide even more reason to be bullied and vilified.
The truth is, this is a charge that is difficult to answer other than to embarrassingly and humiliatingly admit your failure and promise to do better. So always, always, always follow your classroom management plan as written and enforce it like an impartial referee.
Stand your ground.
After following the guidelines above, you won’t have any more parents bullying you. You just won’t. However, if a rare albino tiger sneaks into your camp, then stand your ground.
Don’t become defensive or fight back in kind, but don’t run either.
Be polite. Maintain your friendly disposition. But be tough enough to believe in and stick to your rules, policies, and procedures as a highly skilled professional who knows what is best for your students.
They come first, not the parent.
One of the keys to great classroom management and teaching in general is to embrace the fact that you are the leader of the classroom – le dirigeant. If you don’t take on this role, then someone else will—a student, your boss, or a bully parent.
Secure protection.
It pays to have one or more colleagues—preferably a next-door neighbor—you can trust. And it’s smart to continually cultivate those relationships, even if just to allow yourself an emergency restroom run.
But more importantly, you can motion them over to listen to your conversation with an angry or bully parent. You can ask them to work in the back of your room during sensitive conferences.
When concerned at all about an interaction, always have a witness.
If you don’t, then don’t speak until you do, even if it means walking with the parent out into the hallway and near your colleague.
And if it does get to the point where you’re indeed being bullied by a parent, ask the principal to sit in your meetings. Not only will this help change the bully’s behavior, but you’ll be protecting yourself from slander and false accusations.
Never let them see you sweat.
By just showing that they can’t get under your skin, bullies will tend to leave you alone.
So always stay positive and lighthearted in nature and disposition. Be honest and straightforward, but do so without stress and negative emotion.
Keep your body loose and open. Invite complainers and questioners. Ask them to speak their mind. Make yourself a target. Hide nothing. Show that you’re impenetrable, a true pro who is above pettiness and childish behavior.
This gives you gravitas and makes bullies feel self-conscious. It exposes them and makes them feel foolish and out of their element.
When their weapons don’t work on you, they stop using them. They give up. They may pout, but they’ll no longer bother you.
Because you’re among those who can’t be bullied.
Start Now
By following the guidelines above, you’ll avoid bully parents entirely. You really will. There is just too much resistance and strength in your approach to overcome, which very effectively strips them of their power over you.
But what if you’re in the midst of it?
What if the black widow has already bitten once, has you again in their sights, and is starting to descend? Then start now. Yes, you may be subject to some unpleasantness in the near term, but even the worst of the worst bully can be converted.
Through your transparency and confidence, boundaries and friendliness, consistency and shrewdness, they can be defeated and then transformed.
From foe to supporter. Aggressor to admirer. Bully to just another parent who sings your praises.
If you haven’t done so already, please join us. It’s free! Click here and begin receiving classroom management articles like this one in your email box every week.
Me and many other parents do not partner or collaborate with systemic long term failure. Teachers are to be ignored, and nothing school related comes home. No computers, no backpack, no homework, and no using child as personal courier. Period.
Hi Steven, I’m curious about why you choose to send your kids to school?
Hi Steven,
Have you considered home schooling?
Also, kindly note that the pronoun “me” should not be the subject of a sentence.
Thanks,
Julie
And this helps the situation…how?
I’ll chip in and say, Mr. Linsin, I completely agree with these strategies. Probably because I use them in everyday life and even the most dreaded parents (I have had a few that had warning labels from the district office about their behavior) haven’t been a problem.
The second reason I agree with these ideas I’d that I used to be obsessed with customer service stories. I was curious about how to handle the worst of the worst customer and started reading training books, much of what Mr. Linsin says heard would definitely be found in those books.
Also dealing with parents becomes a lot easier if you always imagine that they care intensely about their children and are also afraid. I imagine a scared cat that tries to claw me for helping them. I can’t even get angry with them because I know they really can’t help themselves and aren’t thinking clearly. I am thinking clearly and I do want to help them (even if I don’t agree). I’m calm, patient, and largely detached because 99.9% it’s not about me anyway.
Hi Heather,
I agree with all that you write, especially your last point. I have found that most times (not all, but most), a parent is feeling afraid for their child, frustrated/angry with their child and yelling/disciplining the child no longer works, or insecure because they are embarrassed and fear judgment when their child makes a poor choice. Whatever the reason for their ire, I’ve done exactly what Mr. Linsin suggests. To help me stay pleasant and emotionally detached, I try to imagine myself coated in kevlar and that any jibes about my professionalism or qualifications bounce off.
Jennifer
I had to comment, Jennifer. I love the kevlar reference. Small things like that can make a big difference.
Great additions to Mr. Linsin’s thorough and inspiring article, Heather and Jennifer! I can see why you’re successful in difficult parent interactions.
Wonderful article. It gives me the opportunity to self-analyze in my rapport with parents and see where I am standing.
I am deeply sorry for the educational experiences you must have had. Education truly has so much power, be it power to do good or to do great harm. You are not alone among the many who have experienced it at it’s most harmful. I sincerely hope that your child(ren) may have teachers in the future who can flip the switch. There are so many of us who care deeply and want to do all they can to change the whole system. Do you mind my asking, is there any way a teacher might be able to collaborate with you for your child? I understand if that’s just not something you’re able to do.
Parents are their child’s primary educator and it is an honor that they allow teachers to be the secondary or tertiary educator. Teachers who approach parents with this authentic, humble, and grateful understanding will treat children they educate and the parents who put the students in their care in right relationship.
A great article!
Is there a good example of a “Parent information pack”, and a Student information pack?
A handbook is a bit too prescriptive.
Thank you for bringing this to our attention 😊
Hi Michael,
This may help: https://smartclassroommanagement.com/2010/07/24/classroom-management-strategy-first-days-of-school/
Thank you for this step by step plan of attack from Day 1. I can see where I need to improve for this coming school year.
My one concern is that as far as rules go, I try not to be too top down and allow for this to be crafted with the students’ input, as well as mine. So then at the start of the school year, I cannot predict everything that will be in the info I give parents.
Any suggestions?
Thanks again.
I always appreciate your guidance, Michael. I think we are dealing with a different kind of parent as the result of this pandemic and political climate. Relationships have become adversarial instead of collaborative and teacher respect is at an all time low. Not quite as simple as just dealing with a student issues. This relates to curriculum.
Yes, I can attest to this statement as being true. A teacher in my building (elementary) was physically attacked by a parent last year. Another was harassed almost endlessly, online and on her personal phone. Most report at least one hostile, cursing parent who thinks nothing of using abusive and threatening foul language. Teachers take a great deal of abuse. Apologies? Parents never offer them.
Hi Michael – thank you for this supportive guidance. Parents really can be bullies sometimes, and your advice is spot on.
I could have used this article a year ago…It was a hard year last year!
I don’t see having a prepared strategy. I think the best strategy is to evaluate your students at the beginning of the term using past state tests and grades if you can get them and also testing them yourself. I try to grade the students according to what is generally expected for that grade level. I sometimes include improvement in the grade. Sometimes parents complain because the student has a lower grade in my class than in so and so’s class or in the previous year’s class in my subject. I am still working on that one politically speaking. If I point out that the pretest showed the student scored well below what he/she should have upon entering my grade it will make the previous teacher angry. If I ask why the student is getting a 10th grade A in English but can’t read a 10th grade textbook in my subject it will get the English teacher angry.
Hey Michael,
Do you have any advice as to how to ensure that every parent has seen my rules, policies, and guidelines? Are rewards ok for this? (i.e, providing rewards for students who bring the paper back, etc)
Thanks!
Some parents seem subconsciously to reflect on their own school days. Many are afraid of going into a school and dealing with teachers, especially with those in secondary education. An invisible chip on the shoulder can be present and can color any conversation, regardless of procedures in place and brilliantly executed syllabi. Compassionate customer service may need to take place before unfolding challenges with students, or the parent may not pay attention to the very words he/she needs to hear. I am retired after 42 years of teaching, but my heart is responsive to the situations that teachers are facing and the unexposed trauma that a parent may be experiencing. Good luck to all!
I have been teaching since 1999 and I will say that I see a disturbing pattern of parents who will do all they can to sabotage and break down the confidence of teachers. I will also say that the teacher most vulnerable to this is a young female teacher just starting out. Though it can happen to any teacher, some parents feel emboldened when they note the teacher’s youth. These parents enjoy crushing the spirits of the young who are still finding their footing. I’m certain that thousands of intelligent, thoughtful educators have stopped teaching because of this behavior. I worked at a school in which the principal was very tough, and bullying by parents was swiftly dealt with. There were various ways of accomplishing this. The principal would insist that communications go through him. Sometimes the principal needs to play bad cop and call out a parent on this bullying behavior, leaving the teacher to be the softer place for a parent to land. Lately, I see nothing but principals who roll over and allow young teachers to face these situations alone–some of them cross the border into stalking. Leadership is sadly lacking. I would love to hear from administrators who take a strong stance on this topic and go the extra mile to protect teachers–especially developing ones.
I have been bullied by parents several times as an elementary school teacher. Principals who stand up for teachers are very much appreciated. However, not all are able to do this or want to do it. It’s come to the point where you need a witness as it becomes two different stories and the teacher is not always believed. It’s abusive when someone is just trying to do their best for students. So many times, I’ve been the bad guy because I gave marks that were truthful instead of taking the easy way out and giving marks that won’t be cause for alarm. I don’t know how many more times I can put myself in this position- it’s basically asking for bullying and abusive behaviour on a platter. Society in general is becoming more disrespectful by the day. Teaching, has become an opportunity to be disrespected every day by parents, students, staff, school boards, governments, and the public. I find I have to teach students manners and what disrespectful behaviour is every year. They don’t all enter the classroom understanding these things, even at a young age.
Thank you so much for sharing your skills. Bully parents are something that we all need help with. The thing is that we as teachers need a variety of tools to cope with such parents. Having a recipe like your suggestions should add to our toolkit of skills. It feels good to know that there is something we can try and not respond emotionally to bully parents.
Some people have a low opinion of teachers. We cannot change that, its ok, but most people hold teachers in high regard. Bully parents are usually less than 3 or even less in a grade or year. They should not overshadow the parents who are relying on us to do our job and educate, guide and motivate their children. The parents that want us and value us far outnumber the bullies that we must deal with.
Thank you for your strategies. Now I have something more that I can try and again I move further away from rely on my own wits and knowledge – but from an informed position. We tend to get angry quickly when our pool of resources to handle stress is shallow.