It’s easy to admire teachers with the gift of gab, high social IQ, and ability to build rapport so quickly.
We look at them and think, “I could never do that.”
And you’re probably right. But here’s the thing: You don’t have to. In fact, you don’t even have to try.
With the right approach, you never have to do anything or be anything you’re not in order to build strong, influential rapport with your students.
It’s a topic we’ve covered extensively here at SCM because it’s so important. Good rapport makes everything, especially classroom management, easier and more effective.
When I started SCM back in 2009, I decided that I would never recommend a strategy that anyone couldn’t do. Quiet or extroverted, veteran or first-year, our advice is meant for every teacher.
This still holds true today. Pick out any article in our archive and it was meant for you.
But when it comes to building rapport, we can take it one step further: Even those teachers with extraordinary verbal ability would be better off suppressing some of their outgoing nature.
Because, you see, the problem with proactively building rapport is that it makes many students—more and more in this day and age—uncomfortable.
Sure, they may smile and respond, but it’s the rare student who will keep it up day after day. Most, in fact, will secretly avoid you. You’ll wonder if you did something wrong or offended them somehow.
When the truth is you make them ill at ease.
The highest level of rapport between you and your students happens when they come to you. It’s when they’re drawn to you. It’s when they want to be around you and get to know you better.
And this happens only one way. It’s a way that you can count on, that anyone can do, and that is proven to work more effectively than any other method.
Can you guess what it is?
If you’re a regular reader of SCM, then you know it’s to simply be consistently pleasant. Be good natured in all your dealings with students, especially when in front of the entire class, and rapport develops organically.
You see, it isn’t a strategy you use on them. You don’t have to invade their personal space or try to draw out their personality. You don’t have to interview them like a talk-show host or mimic their way of speaking.
You just have to be pleasant and they’ll come to you. And when they come to you, conversation is natural and effortless.
It’s on their terms and of their volition. They don’t worry about their shyness or your ulterior motives. They don’t have to feel awkward or try to be someone they’re not. They don’t have to sit nervously while you try to make small talk.
They just like you and want to let you know it.
And here’s the amazing thing: Even when students don’t come to you to make conversation, the rapport and influence is still there.
The Law of Reciprocity is so strong and predictable that although you may not know some of your students well, at least on a personal, non-academic level, they’ll feel like they know you.
They’ll appreciate your good humor and positive attitude, even in the midst of their struggles and mistakes. They’ll look forward to your classroom because of your consistent kindness and friendly personality.
They’ll listen to you and want to learn from you.
Furthermore, you never have to feel manipulative or try to convince students you’re a “cool” teacher.
There is a lot to this topic, much of which you can find in the Rapport & Influence category of the archive. However, if you want a detailed description of the remarkable power of this method, check out The Happy Teacher Habits.
Also, if there is a topic you’d like us to cover before next school year when everything—most notably misbehavior—returns to normal, then let us know in the comment section below or shoot us an email.
We’re happy to help.
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, please join us. It’s free! Click here and begin receiving classroom management articles like this one in your email box every week.
As an introverted person, I appreciate this article. Extroverted people can easily overwhelm quieter/introverted personalities. I would say this is true for students and colleagues.
Ideas for future articles:
1. What should teachers do when their team members have different philosophies from the ones you share here at SCM?
2. What can middle school teachers do when admin prohibits them from using the point system for behavior management?
Thanks for all your hard work and dedication!
Cindy,
I had a similar reaction to this article! This is a topic I’ve been thinking about recently, as it is easy to get overwhelmed by younger or more extroverted teachers. It is a whole new era of teacher, covid/online/tech-driven, and we’ve all needed to dig deep and reflect a whole lot this year. A respected teacher friend once said, “It takes all types of teachers…” The trick may be learning to appreciate everyone’s strengths, but not feeling the need to change the core of what makes each of us unique.
Thanks for this article. This is exactly whom I am and what I want to portray. On the other hand, I work in the same room with a teacher who yells and demands attention like a sergeant at boot camp. I feel that I can only be who I am. The children are drawn to me even those in her group. She expends so much energy in keeping up this way of dealing with children that she often loses it with them and me. I don’t know if I can keep working with her. I am older and try to encourage her to change, but don’t think I am getting through. I am going to share the Happy Teachers Habits with her.
I am concerned of how to reintroduce students, who have spent 16 months behind a computer screen, to in person learning. They will be inthe same classroom as those who returned to school in November.
There are 2 categories of distance learners
1) mom or dad right there to help find things, help with iPads etc.
2) completely independent. They may be great students or have suffered from no help.
Thaks a lot for your articles. These days, we need support and I feel much better when experts remind me some tips I leave aside.
Thank you for sharing this article. I see outgoing teachers connect with students and I can’t help at times second guess my approach with students, a quiet, easy-going approach to build trusting relationships. It’s easy to be kind and friendly and establish a learning environment that helps students want to learn
You’re right! Thanks for your words of wisdom!
How do you deal with repeatedly being called in for a high proportion of Fs when the fact is these students are not performing at grade level in your class as well not in other classes in which they are given As. For example, the can’t read at grade level in your class but are getting As in other classes such as social studies and English which you would think require reading as well? Why would students be getting 10th grade As when they can’t read at a tenth grade level according to what you see in your class and the very low reading scores on the state tests?
I truly know how you feel with this situation. I went “nose to nose” with a principal who wanted me to cut spelling words down for some of the students so “they would feel a sense of accomplishment”. I said that I would, however, those children would NOT be getting A in spelling if they did not earn the A…which – to me – meant they spelled all the words correctly. The principal was outraged that I wouldn’t give them “A” just for trying! Needless to say, I am no longer at that school. However, I have also had parents who were upset that “Susie” did not make the honor roll as she “had all Excellents in Kindergarten”…Susie cannot read at all. Sometimes we have to just bite the bullet and take the gruff!
I’m interested in hearing your take on this topic too Michael.
I am the extrovert – and I know I overwhelm kids if I am not careful. But you are right about them coming to you or in my case me. Years ago, I read how important it was for middle schoolers to move. I teach in a rural school, have all of the 7th and 8th graders in one room for all subjects. So every morning we go for a walk, just once around the building.
Kids walk ahead of me, or a bit behind me or by my for a little ways… often times dropping something I need to know, nonchalantly as they go by. Sometimes it is chitchat, sometimes something important, but it is them coming to me.
Last week, week 6 of being in person, my last mostly silent student with long bangs and a mask casually walked by and started talking to me. I count that as a win.
Thanks a lot Michael! Your articles or so on point. I’m a teacher in China and your methods certainly apply to my situation as well. I work at a primary school (ages 6-12) and most teachers here seem to always look angry and almost never smile in class. Their reason is that it keeps the kids quiet and maintains order. I simply couldn’t and didn’t want to change my friendly and pleasant nature, but at first, when my classes got out of control, I thought that’s the only way. Fortunately I discovered your website and I learned to take responsibility and also learned that it’s ok to be a friendly and pleasant teacher. I greet the kids with a smile every day, even the ones who are not behaving well in class. Gradually my situation changed. After a few weeks I was wondering if I’ll ever be able to finish my one year contract at the school, but after consistent application of your methods, the students became great, and last week I signed for me second year at this school. Thank you for your honest articles.
Best
Ace
I appreciate all your articles and try to share your blog with every new teacher I come in contact with. Thank you for your common sense approach that really works.
Could you address the best way to handle cheating without losing rapport with that student forever? I won’t give up on teaching integrity, honesty and hard work but I’m not sure I’m responding in the best way when I find someone cheating.
Thank you!
I can tell you how I have done it and still have great rapport. I address the temptation is so high. I let them know it’s so easy to choose to cheat and I sorry they made that choice. I also let my students know I feel a bit constrained systemically too. I make sure they know how hard it is for me to give tests instead of other ways of measuring their knowledge but this is what I am required to do for now. And as such I would like them to celebrate what they know just like we do in class each day. I give them the zero that is required for teaching but I let them know they will make a GREAT choice the next day when they step in my class. I do this with as much grace as possible.
Many thanks for these insights.
Regards
Spot on Michael! I have taken your ideas to heart over the past two years Students used to be scared of me (their words). Now I have students voluntarily coming to me with their friends just
to hang out. Sometimes the deeper more difficult topics will come up. Some have told me that there is a trust factor that has built between us that they do not want to risk breaking by misbehavior. I am so grateful for the opportunity to change – even this seasoned 17 year teacher can change and learn mew tricks!
Thanks for another great article! Any thoughts on classroom management in an outdoor classroom? How do you teach content effectively outside?
I have to say these articles have changed my teaching style and my classroom management is notable for not only students, but administrators. I got a visit from a district office chief and he said that I have one of the best classroom management skills he has seen. He said he was tented to follow my directions too. 🤣. I was criticized for no having classroom management my first years teaching and I faced principals who instead of help, just did a report on my evaluation and remarked the lack of this skill or teaching element. I signed to receive this articles and I have read most of them and apply them. These are realistic, simple and natural. Now most of the colleagues say I have “ a body language “ in terms of classroom management. I’m so great full to this free subscription and recommend it to all teachers. Thanks 😊
This article is super true and such a good reminder!
I do have a question. We normally have about 40 minutes at the end of each day where we are dismissing students from our classroom. I always try to get some work done during this time, but students are constantly coming up to me asking me questions or telling me stories. I don’t want to turn them away and not talk to them, but on the inside I get super frustrated because of the constant interruptions. Should I just be open to engage with them for this whole period and put away any dreams of getting work done during this time? I know this problem may seem silly, but it cause me a lot of anxiety, guilt and frustration during regular school years, which next year will be for us.
Hmmm…. I think interacting with your students is important. It’s a tremendous compliment every time one of them comes over to you to share a story!
How about making an unofficial schedule where twice a week you focus on getting work done (and tell your students as such) and the other days be available for them?
Hope this works!
Good luck!
I would love to know how you handle the situation when students come to class without a pencil.
Wonderful! I have struggled presenting myself in a consistent way to my students that I’m comfortable with. The article is wonderful, I had no idea that it’s my ability to remain constant and dependable that elicits student trust in me.