Here at SCM, we’ve talked a lot about the Law of Reciprocity and its remarkable power to influence student behavior.
But we haven’t talked about what it looks like in practice. How exactly do you do it? What do you say? How do you behave and carry yourself?
What follows are the answers to these questions.
Say hello.
The Law of Reciprocity says that when you go out of your way to please someone, they’ll want to please you right back. It’s a deep-seated psychological urge that is nearly impossible to resist.
An easy way to start is with a personal hello.
Look the student in the eye, smile, say hi, and ask how they are. Tell them you’re glad to see them. Then stop there. Don’t ask about their homework. Don’t give them a reminder about their behavior. Don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Make your gesture with no strings attached. It’s so simple, yet so powerful. This alone can do wonders.
Be Pleasant.
If you can be consistently pleasant throughout every school day, you have the keys to the kingdom. Rapport will come effortlessly because students will come to you instead of the other way around.
They’ll want to be around you and get to know you better. This makes your interactions with them natural and organic. You want to know the secret to easy give-and-take conversation and trusting relationships?
This is it.
Simply being pleasant gives you strong likability, charismatic quality, and the ability to talk to students in a way that is as comfortable for them as a well-worn hoodie.
Give.
Love and care for your students. Not just in your heart—which doesn’t always come through—but in your words and actions. Tell your students that you’re there for them.
Let them know that if there is something bothering them, if they’re being bullied or made fun of or struggling with an outside issue, you’ll move heaven and earth to help them. You will stand up for them and protect them.
And then do it. Tell your students every day that you care for them and that it’s your job to free their mind to focus on learning and enjoying school. Find them counseling if they need it. Work with their parents to find a place for them to study.
Allow them to be kids.
Although it doesn’t happen often, when they do need you and you’re there, they remember it forever. You’ll also earn a reputation among students as being that one teacher everyone loves and cares for right back.
Follow through.
You must, must, must do what you say you’ll do. Few teachers fall into this special category. But if you do, if you can be a person of your word, truly, it changes everything.
Promise your students often that you will protect their right to learn by following your classroom management plan as it’s written, and you’ll do it without judgement.
You’ll do it without lecturing, scolding, questioning, or telling them how they should think or feel about their mistakes.
This way, your students will reflect on their misbehavior and resolve not to do it again. They’ll separate the you who is the leader and role model they look up to from the leader and referee who must follow through to safeguard them from disruption, bullying, and the like.
You must enforce consequences consistently and be pleasant at the same time. Once you’re able to do this by course of habit, you’ll experience a level of power and leverage over classroom behavior you never thought possible.
Be cool.
No, I don’t mean that you must be up to date on the latest music or fashion trends. You don’t have to use their slang, dress similarly, or allow your students to call you by your first name.
Rather, you must be calm and under control.
When you allow your students to see your outward frustration and stress—and feel the tension you bring to the classroom—it severely weakens your influence. You distance yourself from the kind of teacher students want to please, listen to, and behave for.
It’s an unattractive quality that causes immaturity in students and a lack of respect for you. We have tons of articles here on the website on how to keep your cool. With a little discipline, it isn’t hard to break the habit of letting students or outside stressors get under your skin.
You can be as nerdy as you want to be, but you must be able to maintain a calm, even disposition.
Become
If you’ve ever wondered why it’s so easy for some teachers to build relationships and make their words, lessons, and consequences matter so much to students, this is it.
The Law of Reciprocity is so influential, and gives you so much more leverage to manage behavior, that it’s not even fair. It makes teaching—real teaching, as in working with students who care and want to be there—so much easier.
But here’s the thing, the rub: You’ve got to become this person.
You can’t just try it out for a day or two. You can’t fall on and off the horse. The power grows stronger with time and the longer you maintain your new persona. One or two slip-ups a week, or even a month, can drop your influence significantly.
When I started SCM I committed to telling the truth, warts and all. And this is the truth.
It’s not for everyone. But for those with the want-to and discipline, for those willing to put our strategies for keeping your cool, lessening stress, being consistent, building rapport, etc., into practice . . .
You will reach a level of enjoyment and effectiveness in your job few teachers will ever know.
If you haven’t done so already, please join us. It’s free! Click here and begin receiving classroom management articles like this one in your email box every week.
This is exactly right! This works the best.
Monica Knuppe
You can’t fall on and off the horse. The power grows stronger with time and the longer you maintain your new persona. One or two slip-ups a week, or even a month, can drop your influence significantly.
In this part, I don’t agree because we are still a human and people can make mistakes just we can take a break and fix it.
Thank you for all your advice, it is AWESOME.
I love this article. I subscribe entirely to this philosophy. BTW- thanks for handling the response to last week’s article. I too was puzzled by the tone. I knew you were making valid points, but I could not figure out why it came off as hurtful. After I read your post today about what you thought you were aiming to accomplish – I get it. Your apology is sincere and appreciated. Thank you for staying honest.
I was confused too (Oh no! Am I an annoying teacher?!?!) and appreciate the response on RenegadeBlogger. I think that was the right response!
Thanks for letting me know about last week’s article. I was really getting frustrated not being able to read it. I am following your advice and going to Renegade Blogger
I have really learned so much from all you write Michael.I have all your books and pass them on to certain teachers I think that would like them. I am now a retired teacher but substitute all the time. Your classroom management is wonderful and I use the items mentioned in them all the time. Thank you and keep writing!!
I agree completely. When those relationships built on mutual respect and caring grow strong, an occasional slip up on my part results in students supporting me. I rarely get frustrated with student behavior, but do get frustrated when technology is getting in the way of my teaching, by not working smoothly. The students will tell me, “It’s okay. Be patient. We will wait.” My students have learned to care for their teacher, as I have cared for them when they are stressed, frustrated, or upset. They are 5 years old, and will tell me they will wait for me to re-regulate my behavior. It is awesome.
Audrey, your post is really moving and inspiring!
I appreciate the update on last week’s article. I had commented and pointed out one of the fallacies in it – the idea that about teachers borrowing others’ work. I am happy – and honored – to have anyone borrow anything I’ve done and I hope that all teachers would have that generosity of spirit since we’re all in this together!
This article is a nice reminder, too, by the way. I’m a big fan, have several of your books and always tell folks how your articles and books changed my teaching forever. Thank you.
The law of reciprocity not only works with students but also with colleagues.
Such excellent advice, as always! Just being a decent human being towards your students is such a powerful thing! I’m going to be 61 next month. I dress modestly. I don’t know any rap songs. I don’t allow swearing in my classroom. But I’m still the “cool” teacher, the one students confide in, the classroom that’s full at lunchtime, etc. It’s simply because I’m genuinely interested in my students’ lives. I’m friendly, I never yell, I’m nice. That’s it. I also follow SCM and my students work hard, learn, and test well. It’s like Mary Poppins says, “Just a spoonful of sugar…”
I really appreciate all that I have learned here at SCM. I read last week’s post and did worry. I’m so glad to read where your thoughts were and what you were trying to achieve, it made so much more sense. I understand why and I’m glad you deleted it. I have really benefitted from your advice in these weekly emails. This is my second year teaching (thanks to COVID I wonder what “normal” teaching is like!) and I am quite a bit older than the average first or second year teacher. This is my second act and I am very excited about it. These emails are really helping me focus on being the best person I can be so I can be the best teacher I can be.
Good article, and I agree. I was just surprised by what you said here about teachers’ showing outward frustration and stress: “It’s an unattractive quality that causes immaturity in students and a lack of respect for you.”
I understand that it causes a lack of respect for you, but why exactly does it cause immaturity in students? Do you mean that they start to get out of control and excitable, because the teacher’s attitude creates an uncomfortable atmosphere? I sure do understand that!
Thanks! You always have great ideas and reminders to help us be the best we can be!
This article is definitely by far one of my favorites! It had so many great tips and advice, it contained so much info that helped me out as a future teacher, and lastly, it was such a good read overall! I especially liked how you clearly explained each part like being cool for your students (for example) You verified how you meant that you don’t have to use the freshest slang but instead you should be calm and collected as a teacher. I honestly couldn’t agree more. Amazing article!
This is another really useful article Michael. I found the part about being pleasant even when giving sanctions interesting. I suppose that this is not the first thought when we’ve been trying to deal with a difficult student, but it makes sense, and would certainly help with remaining cool and calm! I’ve just seen your post on Renegade Blogger. I read your article last week and it just made me aware of one of my behaviours that I want to change, which is what your articles usually do for me, this was just in a different way. I wasn’t offended, and will continue to read your articles as they are really helpful – I just wish my memory was better so that I could implement all of the strategies you’ve given off the top of my head every time!
Rachel
The part of the article that I find the most powerful is the one that suggests we actually work on becoming the person or persona we are trying to project. No one senses or resents teachers’ hypocrisy more than a student; no one can see through a false demeanor more than a student.
What happened to ’13 traits of annoying teachers’ from a few weeks ago?