Ever since schools shut down in mid-March, a small group of teachers, sprinkled here and there throughout nearly every school, has become even more overbearing than they were before.
You know the ones.
They dominate every meeting. They brag about and must share the way they do things and hardly listen to anyone else. They complain and talk, talk and complain, and leave animosity in their wake.
If you’re unlucky enough to be on their grade level or subject matter team, they can cause more distress than any five difficult students put together.
How to handle these teachers has been at the top of SCM’s most requested list for several months now. Not a week goes by without an email asking for us to cover it.
However, lately the content of these emails has become more desperate.
Due to the rise in unknowns and debate over how best to educate students when schools open in the fall, these small few teachers—even sitting miles away via Zoom—have become more obnoxious than ever.
So what follows are five things you can do right now that will actually change their behavior.
At least around you.
1. Be passive.
As counterintuitive as it seems, you must let go of any desire to be in charge and allow them to lead discussions and group meetings. By giving them what they want—to be heard and taken seriously—they tend to relax and temper their aggressiveness.
This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything they say or that you can’t voice your own opinion. It just means that you’re going to allow them to speak first and as much as they want.
Go ahead and give them free rein.
Although the desire to cut them off (and scream at the top of your lungs) will be strong, in the end you’re much better off just letting them say whatever they please.
Eventually, and by following the rest of the guidelines below, they’ll begin talking less and less and encouraging you to share more and more.
2. Be quiet.
It’s important that you don’t bring up topics that get them off track. The best way to do this is to just be quiet. Speak as little as possible. Unless asked directly, don’t encourage them with your two-cents about any issue.
Don’t offer opinions unless you’re making a group decision. Otherwise, they’ll snarkily take the other side or haughtily question your reasoning as is their nature.
Play to their disconcertion with your silence. Just be sure to be pleasant. It mustn’t appear that you’re pouting or giving them the silent treatment. Look at them respectfully and nod your head.
Be agreeable when you do agree.
If you don’t agree, so be it. They can feel the way they want without it affecting you one iota. (Who cares?!)
3. Be direct.
This is especially important: When it’s time to offer your opinion, do so directly, clearly, and with as few words as possible. Do not hem and haw or beat around the bush.
Don’t leave open the possibility of misunderstanding or having your words turned and twisted.
Think through what you really want or how you really feel and then say it. Do not let your annoyance or dislike for them cloud your judgement or cause you to say something out of fear or just to get under their skin.
Do not show concern over how they may take it or feel about your perspective. Do not get dragged into an argument or defend your position beyond one or two salient points.
Just say what you mean and leave it be.
4. Be unwavering.
Once you’ve decided on a path that is in your control, don’t waver for anything in the world. Do not give in. As soon as you do, you’ll lose their respect and they’ll try to push you around even more.
This is the source, the catalyst, and the antecedent of much of their bullying.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t compromise. You should if it’s a group decision. It’s the right thing to do after stating your position clearly. Just don’t lose your backbone.
Don’t give in on what you believe or what you have sole control over. In time, and combined with the above guidelines, they’ll begin seeing you as the leader—albeit a quiet one—and will give up the need to be in charge and bend others to their will.
5. Be friendly.
Being friendly to an overbearing teacher seems at first glance a hard thing to do. But once you let go of the desire to seek revenge, put them in their place, or argue your point, it isn’t so difficult after all.
Just let it go.
Realize that none of the ticky-tack matters that get under your skin and seem so important at the time mean much of anything in the end. Once you make this shift in thinking, you’ll find your stress level and resentment toward them melt away.
It’s an odd but true and powerful phenomenon that will free you to smile, be generous, and offer grace before any is given to you.
Have respect for yourself, own your own thoughts and behavior, and before you know it when everyone else is complaining about how much this one teacher talks and boasts and steals ideas, you’ll be thinking, “I actually don’t mind them.”
In return, this thorn in your side will begin to appreciate you, respect you, and hold you in high regard. They’ll even provide the space and freedom they offer few others.
Never Go Back
The guidelines above have been used again and again (and again) successfully over a long career.
They’ll put you above the fray, strolling upon the high road where you’ll enjoy more influence over your most challenging colleagues and their behavior toward not just you, but also the others within in your circle.
The old adage to keep your friends close and your enemies closer is a truism based on this wisdom.
Personally, I think holding your tongue while maintaining respect for yourself and others is the easiest, most effective, and stress-free way of communicating and behaving within a school environment regardless of who your colleagues are.
The result is that you’ll be well-liked, respected, and admired by your fellow teachers and administrators for the way you’re able to get along and stay out of the drama.
It does take some discipline, especially in the beginning and until the guidelines become who you are. But once you experience the fruits of your self-restraint, you’ll never go back to relying on your baser instincts again.
You’ll never go back to shooting from the hip, stooping to their level, and dragging stress and grievance home with you. You’ll never go back to pettiness and revenge and being a victim.
You’ll just be you, at ease and focused on being the best teacher for your students.
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AMEN! This was a lesson I had to learn the HAAAARRRRD way so much so that it made me want to sneak off into the middle of the night and return to the US. But I didn’t and I think I’ve made it through a much better person.
PLEASE follow Michael’s sage advice so that you don’t have to go through the crucible like I did.
Much love to you Michael from Korea. Even though I cannot put the whole of SCM in action as I’d wish in a classroom that’s not actually mine, I hold all the values at my core and practice what I can the best I can. And this one is at the top of the list!
Mmm..I agree,cos am in that ship too I can understand. I will try this out n I pray it works.
During this Pandemic era the strong personalities of my colleagues have shone brightly.And have I been annoyed, angry,disgusted and suspicious of them.Reading this article has been so good for me .Thank you.
Hello Michael,
Your articles have transformed my teaching. Thank you! Keep going with this outstanding work. You are spot on with what is important and with what works in the classroom. I have just retired as of June 19, 2020. However I will keep reading your articles. Your insights are needed more than ever.
Thank you for making me the best teacher that I could be.
Sheila
I wish there were like buttons. 😃
Thank you so much for this. Much needed. Details don’t matter. 🙂
Thankfully, I work in a small school, so we don’t have these issues; however, when I started teaching years ago at a larger, traditional high school with tons of “tenured” teachers, this happened a lot. I remember one bully teacher well. Chances are the complainers are most likely older, tenured teachers who can say anything and don’t fear losing their jobs. Advice I would tell myself when I started teaching and to novice teachers is stand up for yourself. By that, I mean disagree and stick to your guns. Don’t back down to bully teachers. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those that play politics, brag, and invoke their seniority. Bullies don’t mess with people who stand up to them. Don’t let them take advantage of your lack of experience. Unfortunately, these bully teachers are often older, insecure teachers who are often threatened by young teachers. They feel the need to assert their dominance by bragging or bullying instead of being the quiet, confident mentor they should be for newer teachers with little experience. Advice I received from a veteran teacher during my first year of teaching was to stay out of gossip circles. Now that I’ve become a veteran teacher, I know exactly what he was talking about.
Your points are valid. Just have to put in two cents that it is a younger teacher who tries to dominate in some circles I’ve been in. It has a lot to do with personality.
I agree with you here – “old” teachers get a bad rap, but there are plenty of newbies that are overbearing as well, personalities are not tied to age or experience.
True. Since we’ve been there and done that, our experience has taught us wisdom. So its easier to follow these steps.
I agree! The younger ones think they are so much smarter and have these mad desire to show how great they are
In my 20 years it is the younger teachers that have been the worst. The older ones back down when you “butter up” by looking to them as role models (what to do or what not to do). The younger bullies just come in like a bull and demand they be given the same respect as someone who has been around for 40 years.
Yes! Some are “just young enough to know everything!” They went to college, after all— and read some blogs/watched vlogs and pinterest posts. First year teachers w/you tube channels sharing the best way to do everything. So confident and passionate! They do have, or repeat, some good ideas. Trying to acknowledge those and ignore the snarky, “greater than thou” moments as youthful naivete.
Well said. I would add that eventually the bully teachers do retire! And by the end you might find yourself enjoying the last one. We would always look to Mrs. S. to have her say about “how things used to be” and “why this wasn’t going to work” at our meetings. And actually sometimes she was right! And you can have a chuckle, oh did she roll her eyes at you too? And just let it all roll off your back.
I have two years left until retirement. In the school where I work, the teachers who dominate and bully are all quite a bit younger than I am. This is not an age related, it is culture related.
Not age related AT all. I’ve experienced it from younger teachers much more than older ones. Also intense dislike for the tattletale office hangers on.
Actually this is one of the greatest setbacks in teaching and learning and general well being of students and staff. Although many other factors get all the blame like the system, salary, physical conditions etc the main culprit in school problems stem from the behaviour of some people. But the advice is really good. Teachers, and I refer to real teachers, need to be unwavering and grounded in what they do for the good of humanity beginning with the children, because too much simple ,free, natural and God given happiness and joy continue to be unknown and unexperienced.
Indeed!!
In my almost 30 years of experience, the best mentor teachers have veteran teachers. About 15 years ago, and still true today, I noticed many new teachers asserting themselves as in the main article. They take no advice and deem what they do and their ideas as the best. So please don’t categorize.
I could not have received this at a better time. Thank you!!!! We need more like this!!!! Podcasts?? Ted Talks???
Yes, Michael — consider a podcast!
I appreciate this article. There are so many joys of teaching; alas, this is my biggest drag. I find your advice refreshing!
Thank you.
Great advice. It’s a real issue and can definitely be stressful to work with these types of people. I will try harder! ( Danny, above, mentioned these teachers are usually older but that’s the case at our school.) Thank you! Enjoy your summer break!
This is spot on, sage advice! Instinctively I have done this for the last ten years of my career and it transformed my experience and my life! I started going home happier and less exhausted every day. I began to get excited again about my job everyday! Also the relationship between my coworkers improved greatly. It does take some effort in the beginning but is so worth it! If you struggle with this issue at work, give it a try for a couple of months, it will transform your experience!
I dont mean to be contrary because the strategies you shared are good ones. The teacher you described who is quiet and then gets respect from the bully is who i am by nature. However, I have two instances within the last 6 years at different schools where not only was I harrassed by bully teachers but was later fired because of their bullying so forgive me if I disagree but none of these strategies worked for me.
Amen! I agree on all points;-)
Okay. Most uncomfortable response ever. What if you think you may be the one exhibiting these tendencies? It’s not something you can just stop. Being aware is a good first step, but could you address this issue from the other side?
Wow. You are awesome. Humility is the path to change. You will find a way to soften your edges. Keep plugging. I do! 😃
Beth, wow that is great that you have that insight into yourself. I think if you look deeply into why you might be exhibiting those tendencies it might be helpful for you. I was listening to a podcast once (I can’t remember which one) but they spoke of teachers who are “complainers.” They said a person complains because they see a problem that needs to be solved. That turned my thinking around from being annoyed by a certain complainer to realizing they just see a problem that needs solving. So in your situation, why do you think you are doing what you are doing?
Whenever I have a difficulties in relationships I just turn to the strategy of complimenting. What if you compliment someone instead of what you were going to say? Complimenting is watering the seeds that you want to see grow.
It amazes me how after years they apparently still don’t notice how they clear the lounge at lunch, how the room temperature drops in small group meetings when they lead, and they never picked up on how no one wants to be in their grade level and most will transfer out if especially the really brazen one transfers in, so the principal has to reel in some poor outside teacher—that bad! I know of two good teachers who even transferred to another campus in the district much because of the very brazen one who always likes to take over, pontificates, and is prone to making snide comments about the dearest of staff members. I’ve wondered what causes people to be like that. Maybe some form of high functioning Aspergers because they’re very bright and so efficient, but not picking up social cues? Or just pure megalomania? It causes me at times to hear in my mind Bob Dylan singing that verse “I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes, You’d know what a drag it is to see you.”
Hi G,
I sympathize with your situation and I love the Dylan Quote! However, megalomania is not a symptom of Aspergers. My son has Aspergers and he is gentlest soul I know. Please don’t attribute people’s bad behavior to a disability unless you are a psychiatrist and you have evaluated the person in question. It is hurtful to the people who actually have to live with that different way of being in the world. Thank you!
She’s not diagnosing or ‘attributing’, it’s an innocent question to which you seem to have a hair trigger. How are we supposed to know – because we are busy too, and we have kids too, Debbie – without being able to question and God forbid we question and we get slammed for being insensitive about how we phrased an innocent question?
Anyway thanks so much for your informative response, Debbie, and I love the quote reference also. Please don’t attribute people’s sincere/authentic,innocent questions to an insult unless you are a psychiatrist and you have evaluated the person in question. It is hurtful to the people who actually have sincere/authentic, innocent questions that asks in what is designed to be an open, informative caring community that could give mindful, non-Karen triggered answers about a different way of being in the world or classroom. Thank you! 😉
Debbie, For heaven’s sake, reread what I wrote. I said “OR just pure megalomania.” Or means alternately, not inclusively. (Btw, my brother, best pal & travel buddy has Asperger’s.)
TYPO: make that “alternatively”!
Thank you, Michael! I really appreciate your insight!
This conversation brings back memories!Earlier in my career, a veteran teacher took me under her wing and helped me learn to stay confident and let things go/stay nice/speak up only when necessary… when a couple very good, but insecure younger teachers on my team (Of course they were BFF’s) undermined and sometimes took credit for my work. It took many years to get either one of the BFF’s to care that I existed. I used to dream of leaving the school.For years, I was scared to disagree during a PLC meeting as the eye-rolling would start. It didn’t help that our principal seemed to adore each of the BFF’s..You know, it wasn’t until they gained teaching experience and also became moms themselves, that they started to really act like teammates. acknowledge certain talents/skills that each of us brought to the table. We’ve now worked together for almost a decade. At some point, my teammates started to care about their colleagues, even if we weren’t the same age. They have since let me know that they used to feel intimidated by me. For the past several years, our team has worked together like a symphony! We each know the strengths of the others and cheer each other on! We also sometimes make time to socialize outside of school….Just for fun!
Letting you know that sometimes the teacher bully is just too blind to see anything but her own need for superiority. After 6 years of trying your steps without an improvement, I transferred schools and I have never been happier.
Just want to say, THAX. Muchas gracias. 👍🏽🌸🦋🤓
THANX — but you knew what I meant. 🤪
Thank you, Michael. Perfect timing. During remote learning we had a department member that thought she knew it all and threw most of us under the bus (much of which was not true) in the process. It was very challenging to not speak up. She is that “Teflon” staff member that never seems to be reprimanded and flies under the radar. My teaching partner and I took the time to evaluate where we were teaching and both of us have decided to seek out our next teaching adventure away from this person. We took the negative energy and turned it into positive next steps.
Hi, I have so much respect for you as a person. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from you. This coming from a semi-retired (translate: officially retired) bilingual teacher who does much subbing. Thank you, Moira.
This works! Outside of school or with parents! Quiet and calm and then state your point quietly and firmly. Quite fun to do, actually!
Thanks again, Michael!
Hello. I am pleased to positively reply. Thank you! As difficult as it is to sit at meetings steaming up inside, I think it’s normal to get tired of the stress and finally resolve to find a more peaceful, less stressful way. Thank goodness!! I have applied these strategies to my teaching as an elementary specialist, at home with more difficult family members, and happy to share now with my older children the same small bits of wisdom gained. It has been a process for sure to get to this place. Be well everyone!
Thank you!! I agree totally with you. From Mexico City.
Thank you for creating this article! I am a person who struggles to get along with overbearing/dominant personality types both in an educational setting and outside of school in the real world. They tend to irritate me to the point that I really want to say something that will put them in their place, but my conscience and this article remind me that it will only make a situation worse. In an educational setting where I will see these people almost every day, I know that remaining cordial and professional is important for school culture.
An excellent post. I also have enjoyed reading the responses.
I am in a small school, and in my 4-person level team we have a bully. Everyone is afraid of her, including the principal. Instinctively, I have used all 5 of these tips, and they work… up until a point. Maybe it is her own stress level, but she definitely has flare-ups that I don’t seem able to predict. Everything seems to revolve around her fear of losing control. When her wrath is directed at me, it’s just awful. I have never, ever experienced anything like it in any other non-teaching job. What’s sad is that her students must also feel this hostility.
I’d like to add one point as a middle-school teacher. Bullying among students is a real problem, and we as teachers are supposed to guide our students. We even teach students to report bullying to an adult so that we can intervene. It is so frustrating (maddening, really) that principals and administration don’t seem to be able to deal with this issue. It should be unacceptable to bully and harrass colleagues. I am saddened that any teacher has to leave a job he or she loves because of a bully.
Thank you for the article Michael! You have listed useful tools in dealing with these aggressive individuals. Their negativity and not being able to read the room will disrupt the best of staffs. My thoughts immediately went to the students who unfortunately have these overbearing teachers as instructors. If this type of individual is an elementary school teacher, these primary students could possibly be at risk for an unsatisfactory educational year.
We have a bully teacher who is loud as knows it. She has a remark for everything everyone says and so on. The best part of Zoom meetings is the ability to mute people, most of the time he didn’t even notice just kept talking on mute.
Could you discuss the teachers who suck up to admin to be able to get away with whatever they want? I work with one of those. Admin thinks she’s the best but I see what she does to get that regard.
This article was very timely for me! We are back at school (outside US) and forced into a smaller group of teachers than usual for social distancing. Our “bully” does not care strongly about teaching but is overbearing in every social situation and gathers cronies around her. I have used similar tactics to yours in the years I have been at the school with success, but recently there were fireworks, it has been painful. Three days later, I was in an (unrelated) conversation with the bully and her bestie, they both confessed to extreme social anxiety and insecurities. I honestly don’t think they realise how painful they are to be with.
Best advice ever!
Thank you. Great advice. Not just in school.
Thank you. So helpful. Need to focus on this.
I am right there with you, Michael! But soo good to read again. I know I am on the right path! Your approach works in any and all work and personal settings, most of the time!
What do I do if it the principal who is overbearing and the bully?.
Yes indeed. Same here!
What if you ARE an obnoxious overbearing teacher? How do you wrangle yourself?
I have come to realize that I was this kind of teacher. It’s hard for me to look back at how I was when I was younger. I wasn’t trying to be obnoxious, but I was. The same advice Michael gives to teachers trying to deal with overbearing teachers works for those of us that have been that teacher before. Learning to let go and get quiet has been a skill I have been trying to fine tune for several years now, and it has made me a better teacher, a better colleague and it has even helped me at home as a mother and a wife. When I let go of trying to do everything the right way and feel like I have control of all situations, when I stop trying to prove myself, and when I simply allow myself to observe the present moment, I find my attention shifts away from myself and outwards to those around me. In doing this, I am able to see more clearly what others need from me rather than trying to force things. I’m not sure if this helps. For me it is about changing your mindset. Many of Michael’s articles have helped me see how this simple shift applies to so many layers of the classroom.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
My manager happened to email this article to our teaching staff. I would like to know where is the research, the data, and the surveys that you as an author utilized to come up with these strategies or you are speaking on behalf of your own life experiences?? I am curious.
In my opinion, confronting some of the fellow teachers is much more difficult than dealing with a class of 20 students. This hadith clearly explains what the teacher is suffering, especially if he is new to work. Thank you very much for the important clarification and advice to confront these things that may seem difficult especially in these days when the world is facing the most difficult challenge with epidemics, which makes it easier for us to pass safely in the next year.
Perfect timing. I just left a zoom webinar where I muted and let out a long, frustrated sigh (okay… it was a scream). Good to know others feel the same way at times and good to read common sense strategies to counter the strong emotions.
Excellent advice, honestly in ANY situation where someone is LOUD and PROUD. After using these techniques with stubborn, know-it-all family members, my stress level has dropped exponentially!!!
Love SCM and the wisdom here.
Thank you so much Michael. I feel so much better now that you have suggested the very same behaviour I exhibited when dealing with a bullying colleague. My quiet non responsive attitude towards this colleague is sometimes seen as a weakness by younger teachers. The bullying colleague who thinks being a perfectionist is a strength does everything to undermine my leadership style. In my stillness I have managed to gain the respect of many senior and younger teachers. Recently I have been more responsive to this colleague and the relationship seems to be better and not so stressful for me. Your articles have been very beneficial to me and I have suggested to many educators while facilitating workshops to subscribe to your website. Thank you once again.
I want to acknowledge that this is not easy! This type of bully is skilled at pushing people’s buttons as a way to maintain dominance. Plus they can get very angry. So a lot of inner work is required to maintain a quiet disengaged attitude. In fact I wonder how people do it.