Recently, a student asked to speak with me privately.
He was outwardly calm.
But clearly distressed on the inside. He wore an expression that said:
“I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
After a few deep breaths, he relayed a story about a run-in he’d just had with a teacher the previous period.
I won’t go into detail, but evidently she believed he was breaking a class rule and rushed over to enforce a consequence.
The problem, however, is that she got it wrong.
It was a misunderstanding (which I’ve since confirmed with other witnesses). When he tried to explain, she cut him off with “You know the rules.” When he politely approached her after class, it was much the same.
She was unwilling to hear him out.
He was upset, angry, confused, and hellbent on his own form of revenge: He would stop trying. He would stop listening, participating, and turning in work just to show her that she didn’t have a say in his life.
Although mature, for the past couple of years this particular student has been teetering between making a push toward college and dropping out altogether.
And now he was on the precipice.
Sadly, it all could have been avoided if the teacher would have followed three simple but critical guidelines for enforcing class rules.
1. Let misbehavior play out.
It’s imperative that you get it right, that you know a rule has been broken before stepping in with a consequence. Otherwise, the student in question will resent you—sometimes privately, but always intensely.
This underscores the importance of letting misbehavior play out (unless, of course, someone is in physical danger). Just pause a moment and watch it unfold.
Move into position to take in the entire scene and to make sure everyone is safe.
Be a good witness first. In this way, you avoid the kind of arguments and misunderstandings that threaten the positive relationship you have with your students.
You also encourage them to reflect on their misbehavior, take responsibility for it, and resolve not to make the same mistake again. Rather, that is, than pointing the finger elsewhere or blaming you.
This is something they’ll do naturally as long as you make the right call, you’re consistent with everyone, and you enforce your rules calmly and matter-of-factly—like a referee.
2. Allow for your own mistakes, and fix them.
When first teaching your classroom management plan, promise your students that if you ever make a mistake, which is a real possibility, you’ll fix it.
Now, just like everything else related to classroom management, you’ll want to model how they should let you know you got it wrong. I recommend politely asking to speak with you privately.
Of course, this begs the question: Won’t this just encourage students to try to argue or wiggle their way out of a consequence?
Very unlikely.
You see, if you and your students are clear about what does and doesn’t constitute breaking rules, and you let misbehavior play out, then not only will this be an extremely rare occurrence, but you’ll know if they’re being dishonest the moment they ask to speak with you.
Their expression, their energy, their earnestness . . . it’s something that can’t be faked, especially given the formality of speaking privately.
By the same token, combined with your recollection of events, you’ll know immediately if you indeed got it wrong.
If it does happen, and it probably will at least once over the course of the school year, be sure to absolve the student and apologize to them in front of the class.
3. Respect your students, always.
That the teacher in the above scenario refused to speak with the student when he approached her after class is appalling. There is no excuse for denying a student’s right to speak.
It also does irreparable damage to the relationship, stripping away any influence or leverage she may have had. Interestingly, what the student was most upset about wasn’t that she’d made a mistake.
He was eager to forgive her.
He also wasn’t so much concerned about the actual consequence or that she believed he was trying to disrupt the class. What he was absolutely furious about, however, almost inconsolable, was that she refused to give him a voice.
She interrupted him, cut him short, and shut him down. And he knew that if he raised his voice or tried to argue, then he could very well have been suspended or assigned lengthy detention.
I don’t care what happened in the past, or if this student had gotten under the teacher’s skin a thousand times, he deserved to be treated with respect and common courtesy.
To do otherwise is borderline inhumane.
Seeing students as fellow sojourners in this crazy, mixed-up world goes a long way toward building trust and rapport and inspiring better behavior and work habits from even the most challenging students.
Embrace It
When we behave harshly toward students, when we make their misbehavior about us and our own frustration and disappointment, we inevitably make a lot of mistakes.
Our judgement becomes clouded.
We—our cold shoulders, lectures, and angry looks—become part of the consequence, or replace it altogether.
In so doing, we not only weaken, or completely obliterate, our influence, but we discourage our students from trying. We discourage them from caring one whit about us or our classroom.
We make them dread coming to school or even being around us. It’s a hurt and humiliation they’ll carry with them for the rest of the year.
Yes, we protect every student’s right to learn and enjoy school by following our classroom management plan to the letter. We faithfully hold misbehaving students accountable according to this sacred contract. Every. Single. Time.
But we do so with compassion.
We remember our own struggles and shortcomings and the thousands of mistakes we’ve made—and keep making.
We recall what it feels like to be seven, twelve, or fifteen years old and the confusion and fear it can bring.
We use our own memories of those teachers who slighted us or were outright cruel to us as well as the guardian angels who had a kind word and soft heart at the moment we most needed it.
We lean on our humanity, empathy, and imagination to feel from afar the stress of poverty, trauma, perfectionism, shyness, uncertainty, abuse, family expectation, or learning disability.
We embrace it.
We take it all in. We turn the hurt we feel, physically, in the center of our chest, for those in distress, and the wisdom of our years, and we pour it unto our students in the form of understanding.
Grave respect.
And deep, I’ve-been-there-too, compassion.
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I really hope you talked with the other teacher about this before you made a blog post. It might have been better to have a conversation between the three of you. Teachers are human too and can make mistakes, and sometimes it feels we are required to be perfect and aren’t allowed to have bad days. Please allow grace where it seems there is shame being placed on that teacher involved in this situation because she may have had a human moment.
Hi Allison,
Subterfuge was used generously to ensure that no one would recognize themselves in the article. One example: The word “recently” is a relative term.
This was brilliantly written!
If she had a human moment, its also human to get over and admit to the mistake.
Aside of school, I came across a few fathers who went through a marriage breakdown and believe their children do not behave the right way towards them. My first response to that is: Whois the father (an adult) and who is the child ? I don’t think I need to explain further.
Fantastic article Michael. I agree with you Allison in that teachers are “human” and have “bad days” however that does not excuse the appalling treatment of this student. Denying anyone a voice, especially a student is denying a basic human right. In my experience many students, when provided with the opportunity to have a voice often have solutions to classroom problems. I have worked with some teachers who prefer to be “right” all the time and will refuse to shift their practice which is sometimes the cause of the classroom conflict. I have given teachers “grace” periods but sadly some teachers are unable or unwilling to learn and grow and change practice. The ones that do though enjoy the real benefits of meaningful relationships with students and positive classroom environments. After all we are in the business of learning and as teachers we should not make up excuses for our poor choices but learn and grow with better practice.
Thanks Michael for this insightful article.
You’re welcome, Megan!
With all the disrespect from all directions-students, parents, admin…it is very easy to get to a point where you do react quickly trying to nip something when if fact you should have waited. Teaching is so stressful today it is no wonder teachers are at breaking points and wish they had never joined the profession. It’s a Gotcha time with entitled, non-motivated students with expectations higher than ever before. I’m not sure what the answer is but something needs to change.
I couldn’t agree with Tracey more!
A “Standing Ovation” is in order for the truth spoken here. Teachers have the power to lift up or cast down. There is no excuse for a teacher to misuse this power; in fact, it is cruel and abusive. The words we speak and the actions that parallel our voice lives forever in the mind of the student and follows he/she to adulthood. For a student, no altercation is a “small thing.” In the words of a song that I use as my class theme song, each year, “We speak life in the words we say.” The song lyrics basically reiterates the fact that words are powerful; they have the ability to give hope or rip away hope- “The words we speak are like the arms of compassion…” Wow. What a powerful image. Our words can (figuratively) give someone a hug that says “I care,” OR our words can destroy the last thread of hope a child is hanging from.
Love your comment! A standing ovation to you and Michael!
I’m leaving the profession end of school year. You’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t.
I am always struggling with how not to let me emotions show through. I think some people are more naturally referees than others, how do you build that in oneself?
I feel that I am not a “natural” at classroom management, but that I’ve gotten good at it through practice and reflection. It’s like what we expect of students who may not be as comfortable with or quick to learn math concepts or writing skills; we know it may take longer and be more work for some, but they can do it. Some things I have found helpful: focusing on making just one change at a time (for me, working on listening & attention was key), taking a few minutes to sit calmly at the beginning of the day (thank you for that advice, Michael!), and taking a few minutes at the end of the day to write notes in a journal.
It was exactly the right time to hear this message, as I am working with a particularly difficult student right now. This does help, thank you!
You’re welcome, Elise!
Been there, done that. As Tracey said, we are human and we take it, take it, take it until the last pupil gets the whole frustration. It is not right and The few occassions this has happened, I have mad an appology to the pupil and the class and explained why it happened.
We can all be better. I hope the teacher in question recognised her mistake.
Oh my gosh, this resonates with me. I am a teacher, but my son had something almost exactly like this happen to him a couple years ago as a 7th grader – he came home so upset. He had come into the classroom while a student was testing, and in order to not distract them, motioned what he needed to the teacher – and he thought she understood what he was asking for and nodded her assent. But as he went to retrieve it, she snapped at him and chewed him out, telling him to leave! Though he was shaken, he went to visit her at the end of the day in order to apologize for misunderstanding and to explain what he had been doing. I’ve always taught him to take responsibility and talk things out; when he was younger, that was VERY hard for him and I was proud to see how far he had matured. As he began asking if he could talk to her, she interrupted him mid-sentence with “No! I need to talk to YOU!” and then continued to chew him out for the earlier incident. He couldn’t get a word in edgewise, and eventually got frustrated, and then she got even madder at him for being “disrespectful.” He has never had problems like this with any other teacher. It’s 2 years later and he still remembers her in such a negative light, and felt like it had been pointless for him to try talking to her. I felt like her reaction worked against everything I had tried to teach him about how to work out conflict. This has always stuck with me as I’ve dealt with issues with my own students. Admittedly, there have been times here and there over the years when I’ve been reactive; when that has happened and I realize it, I’ve taken the time to ask to speak the student again and apologize for letting my emotions take over, and let them know how I should have handled it. Anyway, this was a good reminder at this time of year, as I have been finding myself increasingly frustrated with misbehavior and turning to sarcasm and crabby reactions, rather than what I KNOW is better and more respectful!
I loved your story and thoughts.
I’m sorry, I agree with most of this article, and that we need to remember our role as teachers, including treating students with respect, but I can’t help but be very concerned about this comment from the article:
I don’t care what happened in the past, or if this student had gotten under the
teacher’s skin a thousand times, he deserved to be treated with respect and
common courtesy.
To do otherwise is borderline inhumane.
As a teacher of 26 years, I do care! Since you didn’t go into full detail, I don’t know the full story, only what has been presented here, and the fact that, once again, the teacher has been made out to be some uncaring, horrible, “bad guy” as is often the case these days. How many times has this student treated this teacher with disrespect, or has been dishonest with the teacher, or disrupted the classroom? How many times has the student broken the rule before and made excuses? Is the teacher treated with respect and common courtesy, and given needed support to best help the student? I agree with the fact that she should have been willing to hear him out when he approached her after school, and had a good conversation with the student, but maybe the teacher has before, and the misbehavior continues to happen. I just don’t know, but both parties need to be treated with courtesy and respect. The teacher deserves humane treatment as well. I agree with Tracey. Something needs to change!
As hard as it is, and it requires superhuman effort (grace from God) for us teachers to do so, the high road is asked of us everytime we step into the classroom. Someone has to, and the teacher is the one expected to do it. I’m not saying it isn’t harder than heck to do so, but pretty much I am saying that. So, pray for the grace to be courageous and kind. And when a mistake is made, apologize. It softens your own heart to fix it.
It’s a real dilemma, being a teacher in the 21st century: digital age, children well sensitized about their rights… and all. Look at what we all go through: Tracey and Angela Adams, for instance, couldn’t have put it better! It’s truly leaves us stressed by the end of the day…
Hi Michael, do I give my autistic student more chances? He is really struggling. Thank you!
I find the formula of these articles usually begins with “here is something this teacher has done horribly wrong” and then moves to “if only they had done it like this!” (which is conveniently always how the author does it). While the advice given is usually sound and helpful, the presentation and tone of the article doesn’t give room for the natural differences in personality/management style/environment that teachers have. I know the author is an expert in this field (I have one of his books!) I just find he ironically has very little patience or understanding towards teachers.
Hi Kate,
Of the 500+ articles I’ve written on this site only a handful are stories told of specific events. And in those cases, each and every time, I disguised details, time frames, and people to the degree that no one would be able to recognize. Although true, the stories are for instructional purposes only.
I can’t help but feel angry when I read this article. I am sympathetic to the teacher who is being used as an example of abuse in this diatribe. Did you speak to the teacher? I can’t believe you did investigative work and discussed her class with other students. Must you throw more blame to the people still fighting the good fight in this profession? I think hyperbole in its negative forms are not healthy for adults as well. This is way over the top and a double example of unprofessionalism.
Hi Jennifer,
I’ve addressed this in response to other comments. However, I used no hyperbole and did investigative work only because I had a duty to help the student who came to me for help.
We work with children:) That is our job. We are the models that mould the minds we work with. We need to teach them that it’s okay to make mistakes. We can do this by sharing our mistakes. One of our class mottos is “It’s okay to make mistakes in here.” Yes, it is challenging job, but dealing with disrespectful adults in a workplace is even more challenging and disappointing. After 28 years, I am still learning, still loving my job and know there are many others out there who feel the same way.
Thank you Michael for reminding us to care more deeply and respecting like people who are learning from us!
You’re welcome, Lynda!
Little people not like people:)
Hi,
I teach art at two private schools, and each one has a different vision for the scope and sequence of instruction, along with general behavior expectations. I really appreciate all the helpful ideas and want to develop a better system of my own. One of my schools uses the “yellow slip” consequence, where I am supposed to give a warning, then name on board, then third strike is to send home the slip, etc. It doesn’t feel that effective, and the students seem to take it so lightly. I am searching for a better way! Thanks for all the inspiration, and which book(s) should I order?
All of your comments resonate with me so much! I can see both sides…I agree that a teacher should not act this way, and if they do, they need to apologize. As many of you have said, we are all human, and we make mistakes. And teaching IS stressful! This makes many of us cranky, drained, and more reactive than we should be. I am currently researching effective stress management for teachers for my dissertation, and there is a mountain of evidence that teaching is one of the most stressful occupations, ranked equally with the stresses of nurses and doctors.
I truly feel, based on personal experience, that most teachers who react in anger or with disrespect towards a student don’t do it intentionally, and that it happends out of a lack of knowledge over how to manage their stress and emotions. I also think teachers can be better trained and supported to learn how to manage their stress and emotions, both as education students and as professional teachers. As a teacher, I worked hard to create a positive learning environment through classroom management. But it wasn’t until I started practicing mindful teaching by reflecting on my triggers and searching for proactive solutions, as well as using guided meditations and breathing to help calm myself throughout the day, that I felt like I was able to achieve this goal more consistently.
My point is that if being a teacher is stressing you out, it’s not your fault…I know you want nothing more than to have great relationships with your students. There are tons of resources available to help you with this, but you have to be proactive. Reach out for help. Be open and honest with yourself. Work on developing a classroom management plan and a self-care plan to help you manage your stress. I can tell you from experience, it really does make a difference!
I would agree with the blog Michael without being judgemental upon a teacher as having spent 23 years as a Head teacher and Principal as a matter of fact I can state that a loving and caring teacher never has difficulty in classroom management. Also the command over the subject he or she teaches alongwith out of box thinking and dexterity at replying all sorts of questions to students satisfaction related to the subject or not are a few essential requirements that enable a teacher to be the most successful one. People who lose patience easily are certainly going to be at war with not only students but with all around them.
“a loving and caring teacher never has difficulty in classroom management”??! Is this truly what you meant to say? I am a successful, well-respected teacher and am known as very patient, loving, and caring, but I still have occasional challenges in classroom management working with a high-needs, transient population and large class sizes. Of course I am always learning and working to be better (with the help of these articles), but saying that love and care will solve all your problems seems pretty unfair.
That said, thank you for this article, it’s a great reminder!
……good advice, thank you!..Are you a South-African Teacher in a public school?……just asking…..
You’re welcome, Eileen. I live in Southern California.
So if the teacher waits and watches to be certain a rule has been broken, and then speaks to the student, and they automatically deny their behavior when you as the teacher are certain it has happened, what then? I will not argue with a student and I walk away. I tell them I won’t argue with them, so is that disrespecting them when all they are doing is lying to me? Some students will deny everything they do. What should I do? Is me saying that I won’t argue and walk away disrespect? I won’t get into a power struggle with a student. . .
Great article Michael! Your line on remembering what it is like to be the age of the children we teach especially resonated with me. Things that may seem small or inconsequential to us can be a big deal for our students.
Thanks Nick!
Thanks for a well written, sensitive and practical article, dealing with infringement of rules and human dignity. I am grateful for this lesson.
My pleasure, Dorothy. Thank you!
What should I do when a student denies what they have done and I am certain they did it? I will not argue with a student. What if the student begins screaming at me and telling me I cannot talk to him that way? I was firm and stated facts and said he cannot make fun of other students. He thinks he is an adult and admin allows him to talk horribly to teachers. This is a bully situation that is being enabled by the admin. Other students are being hurt and nothing is being done about it. It hurts my heart to see other children bullied and nothing is done to stop this student. Thank you.
I just had this happen with a student. The student politely asked to speak with me privately. I had written a discipline referral for the student and another student for talking when I was instructing, which is not the first time this year I’ve reprimanded these same students for the same thing. During our private meeting he informed me he didn’t complete a behavior plan because he was not talking. He then went on to list the names of several students who agreed with him and claimed he was not taking. At first I was in such shock that I told the student I couldn’t talk to him about it any more at that time for fear I would say something I regretted. We went back into the classroom and I gave myself some time to replay the events in my head. I think what threw me the most was the fact that this student thought it necessary to enlist his friends support to prove himself innocent. I kept going over it in my head and tried not to turn my decision into a reaction. After a while I asked to speak to the student privately and I told them I was standing by my referral and he continued to go on listing names of students who claimed he wasn’t talking. I simply told him I heard what I heard and saw what I saw and I wasn’t going to argue or discuss it any further. Now it’s been a few days since this happened and I still stand by my decision and feel this was such an undermining by this student to go to his classmates because he can’t prove himself innocent on his own merit. I haven’t spoken to the student again about this but plan to as I fear he may have started a chain reaction that will derail my class and other students. Another thought is I should have written this kid up sooner. I probably have this undermining going on now as would have more solid ground to stand on.
I’ve read several of your articles and love them. But I have a question. I’ve been working at a school for kids with autism and other related difficulties as a paraprofessional in middle school, and I’m hoping to start teaching next year. However, I’m scared about classroom managing. The behaviors are out of control, and I find every time we try to draw a line on acceptable behavior, the school undermines it. The worst behaving kids get rewarded with treats for doing nothing because they didn’t explode or hit anyone or threaten anyone. They are allowed to break rules as rewards for not breaking other rules. Basically, the school’s goal is to avoid “escalation”, so we do everything we can not to make the kids upset in any way. But it feels like we’re creating monsters.
So how to do you establish a good classroom management plan in that environment? Is it even possible?
Hi ND,
This is a big topic that is essentially answered with the entire SCM approach. I encourage you to spend time in our archive and pick up one or more of our books.
Very helpful article Than you for sharing
What if f one did do wrong (cheat on an exam, weird sitting position noticed, then cheat sheet found openly on sweater) and use the break to talk/yell themselves out of it (I didn’t cheat, this was just a note I had used for learning, I am going to see the principal, you’re going to lose your job, I’ll report you to the court)? I asked them several times to leave so I can switch material for the next course, and they refused. I got very angry because this short recess period is vital for putting up chemicals that are a bit harmful, thus required to stay out of the room until used. Each time I left the room, they approached my stuff, so I had to stay in the room. I have them for just two lessons a week. age ~15. thanks