Here at SCM, we talk a lot about the importance of building rapport.
And how it’s best to focus on your entire class rather than individual students.
Because, trying to build rapport one student at a time is . . .
time consuming.
awkward for students.
less efficient and effective.
Simply being pleasant, on the other hand, day after day, effortlessly draws students to you.
And when students like you and want to be around you and get to know you better, rapport comes naturally.
Conversation flows. Banter is easy and organic. Your influence stays with you wherever you go.
However, there are times when you have to meet with individual students, which can momentarily change the relationship.
You see, those students who are so comfortable around you in a group setting tend to become self-conscious when you speak to them individually, especially if it involves their performance.
Thus, being able to put them at ease becomes paramount.
Now, it’s common for teachers to try to coax students out of their shell by becoming overtly friendly, by engaging them directly and making small talk. But as we’ve covered in previous articles, this risks pushing them away and causing even more awkwardness.
Luckily, there is a strategy that can make them immediately comfortable around you. It’s called isopraxism.
Isopraxism is a form of mirroring that happens naturally between friends and spouses. It’s an unconscious behavior that sees the pair or small group copying each other’s mannerisms, way of speaking, and even appearance.
You’ve no doubt experienced this yourself.
It’s something we all do without thought around those we care about. It shows our affection, empathy, and trust and bonds us in deeper, more satisfying relationships.
It brings us closer and improves rapport between us. Imitation, as they say, is the sincerest form of flattery.
Hacking into this phenomenon is the key to building fast rapport with individual students. No, it doesn’t involve dressing like them or using their favorite slang terms. It’s not about mimicking their tone of voice or trying to be their friend.
If it’s inauthentic, if it isn’t you, then it will backfire every time. You’ll look ridiculous and your students will become even more painfully uncomfortable. The key isn’t to mirror anything visible or audible.
It’s to mirror their energy.
Teachers tend to operate at a high frequency. The heavy responsibility of the job can naturally pull you into a more heightened state.
It makes you hyper-aware and on guard, which in turn can cause you to talk and move faster and behave with greater intensity.
The problem with this is that rapport happens on a more relaxed plane. This is one of the many reasons why all of our strategies at SCM support and encourage a calm temperament.
Furthermore, students tend to operate at a lower frequency, sometimes several notches below their teacher. And if you’re always up here and they’re always down there, then there will be a disconnect in the relationship.
To make matters worse, if your energy is too intense, if you’re stressed-out and anxious, it will start to affect them. Your students will become excitable and misbehavior will increase tenfold.
So, while it pays to cultivate a relaxed, easygoing disposition as your default setting, it becomes even more important when interacting one on one with students.
The good news is that this particular form of isopraxism isn’t difficult.
Before calling over the student you want to speak to, take a moment to notice their energy and then simply lock into it. Mirror their easy pace and soft expression. Match their relaxed muscle tone and breathing pattern.
Don’t worry about being perfect. It’s a subtle change, but one you’ll find easy to mimic.
If they seem apprehensive, however, then allow your own calm spirit to bring them into a softer, more open place. Just smile and breathe. Surprisingly, you’ll notice a change as soon as they enter your energy field.
I know the strategy seems a bit out there, new-agey and woo-woo, but in the world of behavioral science it’s a proven and established method of inducing rapport.
And it really works.
So whether you’re just saying hello to a student or meeting with them more formally, use the power of isopraxism to hack into the same wavelength.
Where your advice, instruction, and words of wisdom are sure to hit their mark.
PS – My new book The Smart Classroom Management Way is still in the interior layout and design phase (sigh), but on track for release on May 7th.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, please join us. It’s free! Click here and begin receiving classroom management articles like this one in your email box every week.
Thanks for the technique and support. The methodologies are incisive and in my experience they work beautifully. I’m a subscriber and supporter; moreover, I’d like to turn my colleagues on to the program.
My district requires 12 hours of professional development each school year. Do you offer seminar? Or, please recommend a mode to learn the SMC strategies while also qualifying for compulsory training hours.
Hi Jonathan,
We don’t offer professional development courses, but we may look into it. 🙂
I have a student who just hates me. He glares at me, he grumbles to his teammates about everything we do in class and criticizes my every move, and he even challenges me out loud in the middle of class, “This is the hardest CP class on campus! Why can’t we just be more chill?” I have plenty of students who complain about schoolwork (what student doesn’t), but he, in the words of another student, “legit hates you.” I’ve been teaching for over 25 years, and I’ve never felt this much blatant malice. I have pulled him aside and asked him what was up, but he closed up. I have called his parents asking for advice, and they said that they would talk to him. I have talked to other teachers who have him, and they say he’s not a problem. We’ve got four more months of school, and, not that my entire sense of self worth is on the line, but it’s a dreadful feeling being hated so much, and I would rather have a much smoother working relationship with this student. What should I do?
Disempower him! As SCM says, just smile and breathe, when he fumes you need to breathe in a cool deep calming breath and breathe out any anxiety he wants to cause you, only you can give him power over you. Students are people too and sometimes there is just a personality clash, but the best thing to do is just breathe.
Hi Karen,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggle with this one student. I wish I could give you some immediate advice, but I’d have to know a lot more about the situation. I wouldn’t want to steer you wrong. There is a cost involved, but we do offer personal coaching. See the menu bar for details.
It works for job interviews too in fact a skill to teach the students
Michael, I swear by Smart Classroom Management. You’ve given me the tools to restore my joy in teaching. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Mark! So glad to hear it.
Love this article! I often find myself actually doing this but now I need to practice it more. Thank you for labelling it for us.
You’re welcome, Lynda!
I need to practice this artful way of communicating with my spouse and while sub teaching. Thanks man!
You’re welcome, Steven!
Agree! I feel like I naturally do this in effort to put my students at ease, however, I definitely can be more intentional about it. Thanks for sharing your insight!
My pleasure, Meg!
I simply love this blog. I’m an American, I teach teachers in Cambodia and this was a great reminder to me when working with the teachers here. I need to remember to include this when teaching adults, I know isopraxism works cross culturally and is incredibly valuable. Here’s to connecting better. Thanks!
You’re welcome, Sonya! Thanks for being a regular reader.
Mike, this is a great topic with a new word, “isopraxism.” Can you write an article revisiting disrespectful arguing with you in the moment? Some colleagues recommend “setting them straight in front of everyone else to set an example.” How do you recommend responding to loud arguing, not necessarily vulgar language, in the moment, to show the rest of the class they cannot get away with it? What can some immediate words be? What existing article do you recommend I re-read? This doesn’t happen as a pattern, because I am consistent with my classroom management plan throughout the year, but when it does, what do you recommend? Thank you so much for your time.
Andrew
Hi Guys,
I really like the article. I think if we can see a video of some of your techniques in action too that would be great! As I am a visual learner and can see it much clearer. Also this can be provided as a form of professional development.
Maybe have someone narrating in the background or notes on the video on execution of these amazing strategies.
Your emails are so helpful but the last one I received was on 2nd March. How can I start having them again please?
Hi Joyce,
You may want to check your spam folder. Nothing has changed. We sent them out last week as always.
Andrew,
At my high school, if we have a student who is belligerently and deliberately disrupting class, we can have the security guard come and take the student to ISD. However, after reading a number of articles here and in the book, I decided to try something different and less confrontational. I calmly tell the student, “that’s a write-up”, then go ahead with the class ignoring anything further he yells out. After the class is working on the assessment of that lesson, I go to my desk, fill out the form online, and submit it. Later, the Dean of students will call the student to his office, talk to him, and give him the appropriate discipline.
I never have to raise my voice, argue, win my case, or anything else. I just keep teaching. It only takes once, usually, for a student to realize that his “coming at me in class” doesn’t so anything to me, but it lands him in trouble.
On another note, if the student is put in ISD, I email him with the assignments we are doing so he can keep up and offer to answer any questions he has via email. When he returns to class, he is back at square one with me, nothing needs to be said, and I don’t wait around for another outburst; I simply assume there won’t be anymore. I hope this helps. It sort of wraps up a few of the articles I have read and applied to the class management skills on which I am working.
Hi Michael,
I have checked my trash and all other folders but there are no emails from you since 2nd March.
I tried to subscribe again but when I typed in my email address it changed it to gmail.com from yahoo.com. Each time I try this happens and I don’t know how to fix it.
Can you help me?
Joyce
Hi Joyce,
I checked the email system and your email address is showing as unsubscribed. You can indeed subscribe again. As far as yahoo being changed to gmail, you may want to try a different device. It isn’t a problem on our end.
Very helpful article thank you for sharing
I can’t wait for you new book! My birthday is the day after release, It will be my gift to myself! Congratulations!
Leigh
Thanks Leigh! I’m very excited. 🙂