In this day and age, when you consistently enforce your classroom management plan, it’s bound to happen.
A parent approaches you to complain not about a particular incident.
Or their child’s role in breaking class rules.
But that their child was held accountable.
In other words, they’re not denying the misbehavior.
They’re upset because their child was given a consequence.
They don’t like the idea of them in time-out or having lunch detention or any other mode of accountability.
It’s a situation that is happening more and more among SCM readers.
And it can be hard to know what to say.
Now, it’s important to mention that parents who complain about accountability are often just frustrated that everything isn’t going as swimmingly for their child as they’d like.
It hurts them personally. It ruins their day. They become so attached to their own vision of their child’s success, that they advocate letting them off the hook or giving them additional chances.
Although it isn’t always easy, the best way to handle it is to just be honest.
Here’s how in three steps:
1. Be friendly.
No matter how irritated or upset a parent behaves, it’s never a good idea to respond in kind. You’ll only make things worse. It’s best to yield, let them have their moment, and affect a gentle, kindly temperament.
Smile when you greet them, even if you’re talking on the phone (it will come through), and thank them for speaking to you.
Simple friendliness (classiness) will help diffuse their frustration and send the message that you’re competent, professional, and someone they can trust.
2. Listen.
Give the parent as much time as they need to express their feelings. Often, all they want is to be heard and know that you’re doing the right thing for their child.
So don’t jump in. Don’t interrupt or try to counter every point. Don’t say anything at all. Just listen, nod your head, and show that you’re interested in what they have to say.
When they finish, thank them again for bringing their concerns to you and being there for their child.
3. Give it to them straight.
The most effective response is direct and honest. Don’t beat around the bush or hem and haw, but confidently stand your ground and be the same leader your students see every day.
Look them in the eye and say (still friendly):
“Every student in this classroom has the right to learn and enjoy school without interference, including yours, and it’s my job to protect that right by enforcing a consequence, as stated in our classroom management plan, every time a student breaks a rule.
If I were to let things go, if I were to allow students to interrupt the class without being held accountable, then I would lose control of the class and learning would suffer.
Furthermore, fair and respectful accountability encourages students to take responsibility for their mistakes, which is healthy and keeps them from making them again and again.”
Then briefly share something positive about their child or express how much you enjoy having them in your class. And that’s it. Nothing else needs to be said.
Stand Your Ground
The idea is to show them that accountability is a good thing, that it’s part of a good education that prepares them for success inside and outside of the classroom and well into the future.
If you follow the steps above, then in all likelihood the parent will understand and appreciate the true purpose of your classroom management plan.
And if they don’t?
So be it. It isn’t your concern. No matter how vociferously they complain, continue to be calm and pleasant as you walk them to the door.
Just as you’re consistent with your students, you must be equally consistent with parents. You’re the teacher and the leader of the classroom, and that’s just the way it is.
You’re paid to make decisions that are best for students, first and foremost, that protect their freedom to learn in a safe, peaceful, disruption-free, bully-free environment.
That protection extends to everyone and everything that threatens it.
Even their own parents.
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Thanks, Michael!
This is so timely. I had a parent issue this week, over academic issues primarily, although (as is often the case) was affected by certain behavioral ones as well.
Have you ever considered a Classroom Management Plan for Middle School Teachers guide? As a 7th grade teacher, I have tried taking elements from both the High School and Elementary, which has generally worked. But the middle school level can be so tough sometimes because they are truly in that awkward in-between stage.
Just a thought, and thanks again!
Hi Jeff,
I’ll definitely consider it. Thanks for the suggestion.
I second this request! Middle school is tough age group for many reasons.
Ditto, please! Middle school is a completely different world! 🙂
Thank you!
Yes! Middle school students are a breed apart. They are learning how to be independent and responsible in ways they didn’t have to in elementary. Those years are not only challenging for teachers, but for parents and the students themselves.
Thank you so much for this article. It is important for teachers and parents to understand that they must work together as a team for the holistic development of the learner. So where the parents can choose to discipline their child and have rules and routines, the teacher is also the classroom’s parent, and can choose consequences to actions that were not acceptable in the classroom, given that classrooms have a culture that acknowledges and appreciates positive behaviour and discourages misbehaviour.
You’re welcome, Maryam.
Mr. Linsin,
I would like to make an addendum to this superb description on how to manage disgruntled parents. It may sound like commonsense or a “no brainer” to many, but anyone who has worked in retail or customer service will know exactly what I’m talking about. If parents come off as rude or pushy, I just think, “This is an angry customer.” Angry customers are pacified by those in charge who allow them to voice their complaint. Afterwards, when treated with courtesy, there isn’t much more an angry customer can do. Stores and restaurants, like teachers, have policies in place that, if well planned, are fair for everyone. If the student has been treated fairly and with respect, the parent may complain as much as they like, but they cannot justify the teacher is not properly doing their job.
Very good suggestion, Pete. Thanks!
In this school year, I have a few parents who complain about me to our headmaster because I tell them that their children do not behave in accordance with the class rules, but they do not say anything to me.Of course their children are never guilty, it is always the fault of their behavior someone else. That’s why such an article helps me to deal with the parents. Thank you.
Excellent connection Pete! I will remember your comment the next time I have to deal with an issue.
You’re welcome, Stanka.
As a parent and educator, I affirm what you’ve written and also express frustration. Ideally, there is a team of teachers, students, and parents when situations arise. As I work with support groups of parents of children with learning disabilities, there are definitely reasons for parents to speak up. When teachers always take the approach that parents are bothersome or justifying their child’s behavior, educators may be missing critical information. The topic that few people want to discuss is bullying that comes from the teachers. This happens more than people want to believe.
Thanks for having the courage to look at it from the parents POV. (Isn’t that what you’re always teaching the students?)
I’m one of those parents that teachers don’t like. It’s not that I don’t hold my kids accountable, it’s that I recognize they are still learning and punishment is not often the best answer. I’m a big advocate of a more nuanced approach that addresses the underlying problem. They missed a homework assignment, help them build time management skills. They’re refusing to work, find out what’s preventing them from engaging. Often the parents can tell you, but you have to be willing to listen.
❤️ Thank you
Thank you for this post. I did want to mention one experience I had in the past, where when his child was held accountable, the parent went straight to the principal with outrageous and blatantly false claims in an attempt to get me fired. It was to the effect that I was picking on their child because I was sexually interested in their child.
While these accusations shook me to my core, and I had to gather all I had within me to be the professional in the room, I heard the parents complaints, and explained the situation and my classroom choices calmly.
The parent was still angry, though not at me. He said he “didn’t think I was the issue anymore”, and started to blame and accuse the administration. I understand that parents can get defensive when their child is caught with poor behavior especially if that doesn’t match their personal perception of their child, but I am still in awe at how much certain parents will deflect and attack to avoid having their children take the responsibility of their actions.
It’s much harder to deal with parents in today’s politically charged climate where some parents see teachers and public school employees as enemies right off the bat. I could have expected a student to make up these lies, but a grown adult behaving in this way was something that was beyond my belief.
Thank you, Michael, for giving teachers a clear guide on how to use precise language, appropriate demeanor, and positive attitude in addressing parents who complain about making their students accountable. I’ll share this with other teachers just like I’ve shared your books, website, and many articles.
Thanks Honey! It’s good to hear from you.
Thank you Michael for addressing this important topic and for extending strategies to help educators. With regard to consequences, do you have suggestions for dealing with an elementary principal who does not believe in them? –Nor does the school psychologist or behavior specialist for that matter.
I’m eagerly awaiting your reply, Michael. This boat is getting full.
I’ll be sure to put this topic on the list of future articles.
Omg yes I want to hear your response to this too!
My struggle this year has been in handling a principal who “sides” with the students when I hold them accountable. Your words here let me know that I just need to stand my ground with all parties involved. Thanks.
Indeed Patricia. It’s your classroom.
I’m in the same boat. As a result, this child (actually 2 children) took this as a green light to break rules whenever they don’t agree with the expectations, and they know that nothing will happen to them. Taking the child’s side and parents over the teacher’s has become the norm and as such, has inspired me to leave teaching after 24 years. It’s truly a sad state of affairs, but living in fear knowing that I am guilty until proven innocent is a horrible way to teach, and live. I’m tired of the typical response of “what have you tried so far?”. Common sense, where have you gone? So, I want to thank you Michael for providing a basis in reality, and being a voice for common sense.
I’m soo sorry you actually left teaching for that man I’m so sorry
The art of listening without being judgmental is invaluable when dealing with any situation of conflict. Parents appreciate being heard and having a voice, and all parents, ultimately, want the best for their child. Consistency, not intensity, is still key.
Thank you so much for posting this article! I think that it is a great reminder to stay calm and consistent. I have had so many parent complaints this year! It is saddening and frightening. This is my first year at a Montessori school where students and families sort of overly value independence and don’t seem to think the class needs to work together. I am also a 3rd year teacher and just getting the hang of classroom management! I feel like my administration is judging me and I am fearing that my job is threatened. Do you have suggstions of other articles to read related to working with parents? Do you have suggestions to getting administration on your side?
Hi Eve,
It’s my pleasure. When you get a chance, check out the Handling Parents category of the archive (bottom right). As for administration, I have written on this topic, but not so specifically. I’ll add it to the list of future articles.
Yes please Michael!!!
Thank you Michael for this article, and thank you for all the responses.
In an era when teachers aren’t viewed as professionals to the extent we once were, it is refreshing, and liberating, to be reminded that yes, it is our classroom.This is our ship to steer. We want students to learn, and it is our job to maintain that learning with kindness, consistency and professionalism. Reminding families of this is not just for the benefit of our students, but also for the benefit of our profession.
Michael, and all who responded, you help me keep trying after 24 years.
Great to hear, Katherine. Thanks for being a regular reader.
THIS post!!! So excellent, Michael.
Thanks Robin!
Thank you, Michael. Do you have anything on how to deal with parents who don’t believe their children should have consequences for not doing homework, or should be given a second chance on a test when they did not study to begin with. I teach fourth grade. I am big on teaching my students responsibility and getting them ready for Fifth grade.
Hi Linda,
Not yet, but I’ll put this topic on the list of future articles.
Thank you so much for posting this article! This is actually a problem that I have noticed more and more this year. We have a few parents who refuse consequences for their children as they are “indoctrination”. They will bring their children presents and food and pull them out of recess detention to take them to an arcade. I tried speaking to a parent about her concerns but she put her hand in my face, threatened me, and walked away before I could speak. Any suggestions for parents like this? How can we continue to hold kids accountable when parents refuse consequences and threaten staff members?
Being a teacher in this decade has really made me think that parents “sometimes” do not have a clue as to what is going on. I’m not saying this in a negative tone. I had a parent who believed his daughter (no names of course). No matter what I did or said, his daughter was correct and I was not. It got so bad that the family had to move schools. They made formal complaints against me (while 90% of my parents said that I was the best teacher their child ever had). Finally, I created a sign that I have hanging on my wall. It reads “Your Opinion of Me is None of My Business.” I tell the students to never tell me anything negative that their parents speak against me. So far, it has worked like a charm. The formal complaint was dismissed in 5 minutes because it was proved to be all lies.
Hey thank you guys have gone through hell in handling the middle class it happened that when a parent comes with a complaint the principle would side with the parent and actually i had to resighn because i was all stressed up this article has really helped me much i will now know how to handle difficult parents
I’ll just add here that one should try to have as many positive interactions and conversations as possible with parents before a behavior incident. Then when that ill fated note or phone call to home happens you have already been received in a good light. Also be sure to give a positive phone call or note home when said student has begun to make better choices. It is like a pat on the back to parents knowing their child is doing well. (Even if just for a day!!) It’s the spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down idea.
I would just add one more element. Consider if your “rule” is being misapplied to the situation.
I had a daughter whose teacher was absent. The sub was given homework to do during class. My daughter got that homework and went to help another teacher during class time, then brought the homework home and turned it in the next day.
The teacher had a “rule” (my daughter nor the sub was informed of this rule) and the teacher would not accept the homework.
When I met with the teacher, she just stated that she had had that “rule” for 10 years. (I doubt it, because she was so young that she would have had to be a teenager when she instituted the rule.)
I told her that my super diligent child should not be punished in this way. (She was the validictorian of her class 2-3 years later.)
I would have liked to see personal evaluation of your rule and the situation.
THEN, if it passes the test, by all means stick to it.
When she had her first child, she wrote me a long letter, and the essence…Now I understand exactly what you meant.
My husband is a college professor and I a lifelong teacher and learner.
We love teachers.
Have a wonderful day.