Most teachers talk to difficult students too much, because somewhere along the line they’ve gotten the idea that the more attention they give them, the better teacher they’ll be.
So they pull them aside for pep-talks, reminders, and lectures. They warn. They scold. They threaten. They flatter and debate. They micromanage and manipulate.
They spend more time addressing them, conferencing with them, and trying to persuade them to behave than the rest of their class put together.
And for the most part, it’s a waste of time.
This doesn’t mean that talking with difficult students can’t have a positive effect. When done in a certain way, and in the right moments, it most definitely can.
Here’s how.
Make it infrequent.
Difficult students have been on the receiving end of near-constant talking-tos for as long as they’ve been in school. So when they see you coming, with that same familiar look on your face, they roll their eyes. They’ve heard it all. To get them to see themselves as capable of following rules like anyone else, you shouldn’t touch base with them more than anyone else.
Make it honest.
In a desperate attempt to improve behavior, many teachers will say just about anything to difficult students—regardless of its truthfulness. But trying to coerce students into behaving, particularly while being less than brutally honest, doesn’t work. Neither does false praise, bribing, or any other form of manipulation. The most effective way to talk to difficult students is to give it to them straight.
Make it meaningful.
The only reason to talk to difficult students about their behavior is to inform or to deepen the meaning of a lesson already learned. Never ask them why they did this or that. Never force assurances or explanations. Never give them a dressing-down. Let their mistakes and subsequent accountability, or their successes and subsequent good feelings, be the lesson. Don’t ruin it, absolve it, or weaken it with your overinvolvment.
Make it a challenge.
When a difficult student misbehaves, let your classroom management plan do your talking for you. However, if the right moment strikes, and you know a word or two can provide additional strength and meaning to the lesson, then make it an encouraging challenge. For example, you might cruise by their desk or time-out chair and say simply, “You’re better than this” or “I still believe in you.”
Make it wordless.
When a difficult student does something well or has a particularly good day, it’s often best not to say anything at all—which is a startling change when compared to most of his or her former teachers (who’d all but throw a parade). By simply not making a big deal out of them doing what they’re supposed to do, what they’re expected to do, you send a powerful, behavior-altering message.
Make it a gesture.
If the student has had several good days, or you’re convinced they’ve made real improvement, and not just a brief period of acceptable behavior, then a simple gesture like a fist bump or a knowing smile can be most impactful. It can deepen the meaning of a positive lesson already learned. And unlike silly, over-the-top celebrations for moderate improvement, the student’s heart will soar—internally, privately, and resoundingly.
Make it free of strings.
Most teachers only talk to difficult students when they want something from them (i.e., improved behavior), which effectively poisons the relationship. To influence their behavior you have to build mutual, trusting rapport—which only comes with no strings attached. Decide to like and enjoy your most difficult students, no matter how unlikeable they can be, so that when you do talk to them about behavior, what you say will pack a punch.
Let Them Stand…
Teachers spend so much time and attention on difficult students because it makes them feel like they’re doing something, anything, to help improve their behavior. They figure that if they work hard enough on the problem, if they can just somehow come up with the right words to say, they’ll be able to turn them around.
But the more attention you give to difficult students, the less attention they’ll pay to what you say and the harder it will be to improve their behavior.
So instead of telling them how they should feel, what they should think, and what lessons they should be learning, give them a chance to feel the weight of their mistakes and the inner joy of their successes.
Let them stand on their own two feet.
Then, and only then, will the wellspring of change come bubbling up from the only place it truly can…
From within.
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I really appreciate your work! Your tips, especially the Classroom Management Plan, works wonders with my students. But I still have trouble with the really little kids (like kindergarten, for instance). It seems like time-outs and a note home are having no effect on them at all. Their behavior worsens day by day. What should I do?
Thanks H.S.! There must be a problem elsewhere. I’ll need more info in order to give you the best advice. I’ll email you within the next couple days.
:)Michael
My favourite quote: “A child needs your love more when he deserves it least” by Erma Bombeck. This post smacks that nail right on the head.
Great quote, Erin! Thanks for sharing.
Michael
I’ve always had this feeling when talking too much to some students. Thank you for reminding us. This is crucial to the students’ own self-esteem.
It has always been a nightmare for me dealing with difficult students especially as I often try to match them action for action so as to establish and sustain my authority. Thanks a bunch for these timely and timeless helpful tips. I can feel the impact already.
You’re welcome, Jonadab!
I think your management plan is helpful. I also like reading all the wonderful ideas. I tried the plan. The first time I sent the letter home to one of my student’s parents the response back was a note that felt this was not a way to discipline by sending a letter to the parent–along with other very disturbing comments. The parent wanted to see the principal. The principal and myself talked. But the parent didn’t want to receive a letter. ?? the child does have behavior issues.
Hi Susie,
Having not seen the letter you sent home or observed your classroom, I don’t know how accurate my response will be. However, A letter home that simply informs parents of misbehavior at school shouldn’t get a response like that–strange. Something seems/sounds amiss. Perhaps you can email me with more details. I’m happy to help you sort it out–would hate for it to happen again.
Michael
I sent a packet earlier to the parent–the parent signed the slip along with the child’s signature to tell that they understand the plan. But after a few days the child made the choice to get to consequence 3 (after of course consequence 1 and 2). Letter sent–I used the sample from your site. The principal said that the child said what he did to the parent–the statement from the child was not the same as what had happened.–Said he got no warning etc. –so the response was –the parent wanting to see the principal and writing the comments he did. The principal said to talk to me but the parent refuses to do so–I attempt –no luck. comment from parent –I am a poor teacher and cannot discipline. I expect too much from a second grader.(this was the main idea of his comments but were written with words that were very harsh to me.) Oh by the way the child was having his feet on his desk –poking others making sounds etc. –this continued after the the first two consequences. The next day the student was in timeout for the day–did ok– and seems better-so plan is working–but I have a parent that is very negative towards me. I try to be friendly but walks away. ??
Hi Susie,
You did exactly what you said you were going to do. The principal supports you. The student is improving. You’re doing the right thing. The letter does nothing more than inform the parent of the behavior at school. How this particular parent feels about the truth of the letter and you doing your job is not your concern. I have a feeling though that there is a.) a bit of embarrassment/frustration over their child’s behavior and b.) a realization that a lot is expected in second grade. Just go about your business being polite and professional and doing what is best for your students.
Michael
Thank you for your encouragement and time!
I appreciate reading all the ideas, because I think expecation and consequences established at the beginning of the day have an understanding for dealing with challenging situations.
Thanks for all the imformtion.
You’re welcome, Lorraine!
All this information is great and will definetly help me out alot.
Sounds good, Maria!
Michael
Hi!
I am really hoping you will respond to this. I have a student who I will admit it, I cannot control. This is first grade. He is constantly out of his seat or refusing to complete his work and drawing all over his papers instead. I ask him to go to time out calmly and try to ignore him and he will sing and shout and dance around, and find any object around to play with (today it was an eraser he kept throwing in the air). When I try and do something fun with the rest of the class, like a dance, he will stand up and do it with us from the time out desk. I will remind him he is not allowed to participate, and he just ignores me and continues. When we walk in the hallway, he purposefully walks super slow so that there is a huge gap and the other students behind him get frustrated. They walk around him and then he is so far behind our line, I cant see him and we have to stop because he can’t be left alone. My aides go over (I have one for reading and one for math) and talk to him. One of them coddles him and tries to bribe him and the other threatens him to be sent to the principal. I try to ignore him and use a calm voice, but he doesnt care. I ignored him today when he was shouting that he was finished his paper so he just took his pencil and scribbled all over the front of it so I couldn’t read it! HELP!
Hi Lindsay,
There is a lot to address, and definitely more than I can accurately do so today. I’ll be sure and cover more of these topics in the future, but in the meantime a few thoughts:
-He is behaving the way he is because he can.
-He knows he can ruin your day or lesson when he chooses (he can see it in your reaction), so he does.
-Your classroom management plan must extend beyond simply time-out (read the article series, How To Turn Around A Difficult Students).
-You and your aides must be on the same page (the way you describe, both are making his behavior worse–much worse).
Again, I’ll revisit this type of behavior in upcoming articles.
Michael
In PE we usually don’t have too many difficult situations. It is the class everyone is happy to be at. Even though they are working on development skills they are having fun and playing. Occasionally we have kids that rough house too much and mess with other kids. we have one in particular that we really have to work on building a relationship with and knowing that everyday is a new day with him. Even though he doesn’t respond verbally we can tell in the way he treats others that he is listening to what we tell him. This is great info to know and additional info that I will defiantly use. Thanks!
You’re welcome, Marie!
Michael
This article is also a good reminder to not allow disruptive students absorb all of your time and take away from others. However, I especially like the “Make it wordless” approach since I teach high school and treating them as young adults is very important. A quick “Gesture” as explained above along with “Make it wordless” works fantastic for my age group.