One of the biggest classroom management mistakes teachers make is taking disrespectful behavior personally. To quote Tom Hagen speaking to Sonny Corleone in the movie The Godfather, “This is business, not personal.”
When you take disrespectful behavior personally, two things are likely to happen:
You’ll want to get even and show your students who’s boss.
You’ll end up scolding, lecturing, or reacting with sarcasm.
Both will encourage more disrespect.
Because, by reacting angrily you cause your students to resent you, resulting in more of the same unwanted behavior.
I’ve heard teachers say that they don’t care if they’re disliked, that it isn’t their job for students like them. This may be true, but it will make you a less effective teacher and make classroom management more difficult.
Taking poor student behavior personally sends the message to your students that they can push your buttons and disrupt your day anytime they choose.
This shifts control over to your students and weakens your ability to manage your classroom.
When you react out of anger, you are inviting, even daring, disrespect. Back anyone into a corner and they’ll want to fight back or resolve to get even. Butting heads with students always results in more bad behavior.
You must have a bit of shrewdness in you when it comes to classroom management and understand that the most effective strategies don’t always jibe with our most natural reactions.
So when a student is blatantly disrespectful, especially in front of the rest of your class, it’s normal to take it personally.
It’s how we’re wired.
But if you can take a step back and realize that by reacting you’re shooting yourself in the foot, then you can gain immediate control of the situation without losing your cool—or your authority.
So how should you react?
The most effective way to handle disrespect is to simply and dispassionately follow your classroom management plan and enforce a consequence.
Enforcing your classroom rules—which should include a rule specifically for disrespectful behavior—with an attitude of indifference strengthens your authority and your classroom management effectiveness.
This can be a challenge at times because initially, as a jolt of adrenaline surges through your body, it can make you feel as if the student won, that they got away without knowing how their disrespect made you feel.
But a student only wins when they’re able to get under your skin. Like the old deodorant commercial says, “Never let them see you sweat.”
Rest assured, you’re not folding or giving in by resisting the urge to react emotionally. Rather, your constraint is a model for your students for how to handle negative situations with poise and without lowering to the same level of disrespect.
Let your classroom management plan do its job. Relying on yourself and your words, besides being ineffective, is stressful. Send the message that being respectful is not a choice in your classroom and that anyone who engages in disrespect will be held accountable.
However, if your first consequence upon a student breaking a rule is a warning, then this isn’t a strong enough response to disrespect.
Therefore, as part of your classroom management plan, there must be an allowance made for situations in which stiffer consequences are needed immediately.
Disrespectful behavior, emotional outbursts, and bullying other students are examples of behavior that should warrant an immediate time-out separation from the rest of the class and contacting parents.
Your students must be made aware that there are circumstances that are up to the discretion of the teacher. Therefore, this exception must be part of your classroom management plan.
Handling disrespectful students with calmness and dispassion will decrease the likelihood of it happening again. But there are other things you to do to create an atmosphere of respect in your classroom. What follows are four guidelines proven to work.
1. Set the tone.
Students will emulate you and the way you treat others, particularly if they admire you. So it’s important to set the tone of respect in your classroom by the way you speak to students.
2. Be Polite.
You must be respectful, exceedingly so, in all of your interactions. I know you’ve heard it before, but saying please and thank you works. For your students to get the message, you need to use exaggerated politeness in front of them.
3. Be Congruent.
Gain your students respect by doing exactly what you say and having your words congruent with your actions. If you require your students to keep their desks clean and neatly organized, but you don’t keep yours that way, then your students will notice. They glean more about who you are from what you do than for what you say.
4. Model.
Stop telling your students how you expect them to behave and instead show them how. Model what respect looks like and role-play how to give it. Teach respect like you would any other subject area.
Cultivate
Respect isn’t de rigueur in today’s classrooms, unfortunately. It must be cultivated every day before it can take hold and become part of your room’s culture.
It must be taught and modeled and demanded through enforcement of your classroom management plan and your personal example.
The good news is that it works. Even the toughest classrooms, when guided by a leader who makes respect a priority, can be transformed into one that sees its deep and abiding value.
That understands that politeness and respect feel good, both in the giving and the receiving.
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Excellent article. I am a JROTC instructor and I have been teaching for 10 years. I sort of didn’t mind having the title “bad cop.” I have changed my style immensely over the years and this great article validated that the”bad cop” approach is not always as effective.
Hi- I’m in the process of researching classroom management plans for students wtih behavior disorders in a 3rd grade classroom. I am the special education strategist and am consulting with the regular education teacher. I really like this plan, but am wondering what your time-out would look like both in a 3rd grade classroom and a middle school group of 5-8th graders.
Thanks!
Hi Kristin,
Time-out would look the same–or very nearly the same–for both groups. For specific information on time-out see the articles in the time-out category and the rules and consequences category. For specific questions, email me. I’m happy to help!
Michael
Michael,
It’s really sad to read that this is your page with the most hits. What does that say about what is going on in our schools and among our youth? I have heard from Western European teachers that they are having respect problems too, but my guess is that it is not so much a problem in East Asian and Indian classrooms, and even co-workers who taught just below the border, an hour’s drive from my school, tell me they do not have this problem in Mexico. Outside of the teacher’s classroom management expertise, do you see our problem as rooted in parenting, the media, pop culture, something else or all of the above?
Hi Virginia,
It’s true that this article is among the most popular, but I think that has more to do with the difficulty of dealing with disrespectful students. As to the reasons why some students are more disrespectful than others, and how much the possible causes you mention have to do with it, I can’t say for sure. My experience, however, has been that it’s possible to command utmost respect in the classroom–regardless of who the students are.
Michael
Michael,
Great article!
After years as a cabinet maker, I have gone back to school hoping to become a teacher. I feel very comfortable with teaching content, but the discipline issues have been a constant concern for me.
I am from a school of thought that promotes force to fight force. Though this works on occasion, I am beginning to understand that, like you said, acting out in anger just adds fuel to the fire.
Thank you for this insight. Maybe now I can concentrate more on teaching and a little less on behavior.
Jon
Only those teachers who are acting like a boss and feel like the only source of knowledge inside the classroom are usually disrespected by their students. Why? Because these teachers most likely do not credit the ideas, opinions and even suggestions of the students. Setting up rules and regulations inside the classroom at the very beginning of the school year will perhaps solve the issue. Let your students involve in setting up the rules and regulations of course not to surpass the school rules and regulations in general. Thank you Michael for the article.
roger
Hi Michael,
I came across your page because I am having a difficult time with disrespectful students in college classrooms. Many of my faculty are voicing the same concerns as they see it in their classes, too. I have been teaching college students since 1995 and I can tell you, the level of disrespect in the classroom (with cell phone usage, texting, surfing the web, talking and laughing, etc.) has increased dramatically. I have had my students sign a contract regarding consequences for laptop and cell phone usage in class but some still, passive aggressively, use their laptops. I have told them that I am aware of who is using them–and I have praised those who comply–and that points will be taken off their final grade for it. It still persists. I am at a loss and am thinking about quitting, to be honest. I am tired of being a broken record–with adults!– and the ‘worst’ offenders are juniors and seniors, and these are criminal justice majors. It is difficult for me to come across as a hardass, and perhaps they take advantage of that, but I have had to step it up this semester. I am not sure what it will take for them to be respectful. I model it daily in my classes, going above and beyond with my politeness and doing all I can to engage them, but at least 20% of my classes seem disengaged. The ‘worst’ offenders are in a larger class of 60 students. Anyway, any thoughts would helpful! Thanks and take care, Sue
Hi Sue,
What a shame. It breaks my heart to hear that. It saddens me that you would have to model politeness for adults. And they are adults, no excuses. I don’t have experience teaching in a college setting. However, I know I wouldn’t allow the behavior you describe. Cell phones would be turned off the minute the enter the classroom and laptops left in backpacks. That’s the way it would have to be. If they don’t like it, they can drop the class. If the rule is broken, then I would ask them to leave the room, taking zero credit for the day. I certainly would be polite and respectful, but only because it’s right. They’re too old for modeling, too old for praise that isn’t based on accomplishment. You do them no favors by condoning or accepting bad or disrespectful behavior. It’s your classroom and you know what’s right. Set a standard of discourse and behavior you know is best for your students and their future success and stick to it. And here’s the thing. You don’t have to be mean about it. You don’t have to be unlikeable. You can be your kindhearted self. But you’re just not going to compromise, no matter what, on what you know is right–for them and for your classroom.
Be the great teacher you know you are. Give your students the best of yourself. But expect and demand the best in return. It’s the right thing to do.
:)Michael
I am gonna try this…
I was absent one day and the substitute informed me that many students were disrespectful, obnoxious and refused to do the work I had left for them. How would I as the regular classroom teacher, deal with those students when I return to school? I had thought to contact the parents and to write them up, Are these valid ways of addressing the above mentioned problems? How would I discipline the disruptive/disrespectful students???????
Hi Raymond,
This is a topic on the list of future articles. I hope you’ll stay tuned. In the meantime, yes, you must hold your students accountable when they misbehave with a substitute. It’s always best, however, to set this up beforehand. In other words, your students need to know what the consequences are before the sub day arrives. This, along with your ever-widening and strengthening influence, is what ensures your students are well-behaved in your absence.
Michael
Hi there. I struggle with classroom management in a First nations reserve in northern Alberta. My situation is not a unique one but has its own set of problems. I teach a shop class to from grade 7 thru 12. Many of these students have no reading or writing skills and have no self confidence. They show a lack of respect to me and other teachers and students. Also if any project requires any effort they will destroy it or the equipment. I try to find fun and exciting activities but they are usually ineffective. The main problem stems from a lack of a good program for many years while I am trying to present a structured environment for them. This alone has sparked bed behavior. My goal is to deal with the ones that want to learn, and keep the others from harming themselves, others or the equipment.
Hi Graham,
Thanks for sharing!
Michael
Thanks for the articles on this site. I am looking for advice for consequences. Office referrals are frowned upon in my school to some extent, not officially of course, but that’s the vibe I catch. What are samples that you suggest or your readers of meaningful consequences for my inner city classroom. Thanks again for the help.
Hi Steve,
I’m glad you found the SCM website! Read through the Classroom Management Plan and Rules & Consequences categories of the archive. You’ll find the answers you’re looking for.
:)Michael
The word “jive” should be replaced by “jibe” in the article.
[jibe:
to be in harmony or accord; agree: The report does not quite jibe with the commissioner’s observations.]
Thank you Doc! Noted and corrected.
:)Michael
Dear Michael,
I discovered recently your website. It,s amazing and helpful for teachers. I faced a situation with one of my teachers regarding his reaction to the students’ disrespect. I already talked to him and mentioned a lot of your ideas in this article. And now I will refer him and all the teachers to your website hoping that they will learn how to be good and successful educators. Wish you all the best.
That’s great Charles! Way to go! I know many principals find it particularly effective when talking to teachers to be able to point to an article or website in support of their comments.
:)Michael
As someone who retired after over 45 years as an educator (elementary, high
school, and university), I notice a recent trend, by teachers (even primary grades) to use in-school and out-of school suspension referrals to administrators, for the most trivial offenses. I feel this is completely inappropriate. Your opinion?
Hi Ken,
I completely agree. Suspension is only for dangerous, bullying, or threatening offenses that must be documented. Otherwise, it’s always best, for many reasons, that classroom teachers handle the issues themselves. Here is a related article: Why You Should . . .
Michael
Hi, Ken,
At my school it is not a problem, but I agree with you that it is a trending issue across the US. The problem with doing that is that if I send a kid to the office, I have lost any control I ever had in my classroom. Maybe control is the wrong word to use, but teachers need to maintain a certain level thereof. I try to develop a relationship with my kids and know their triggers so that administrative intervention isn’t necessary. I’ve had to use an administrator very few times in my 20 years and in those cases someone was being extremely dangerous to themselves or others.
Hello Ken,
This is my first year having my own class. I am a 12 year volunteer at my school and up to this year, I have been in a fourth grade class with the teacher. This year I have my own first grade class for Success. I also pull breakfast and lunch duty where I get to touch every students life every day that they are in school. They all actually know me and know my expectations from their interaction with me in the cafeteria. I only have six students in my class and they all behave with no problems other then talking.
Hi Michael
I found your article today. As you might guess, it’s not been a good day! I’ve taught at my current school for three years, almost without any incident at all. Today was different; a 5th grade student was continuously rude and cheeky. As you say, I felt that my anger rose in line with her persistent challenges, and I was merely fuelling her fire and getting the Mona Lisa smile of satisfaction in return. We are off to France on the school’s very first foreign trip on Tuesday so I want this negative episode to stop immediately. Thank you so much for your article. I feel the ‘keep cool’ but impose sanctions is the right way forward. Thanks again for the advice and moral support.
It’s my pleasure, Vicky! Best of luck on your trip.
This was such a great article!