You can’t force it.
This is the mistake teachers make. Trying to pull quiet, shy, or distrustful students out of their shell does the opposite.
It makes them less likely to participate and engage in discussions. It causes them more discomfort and embarrassment.
It pushes them further into the safety of their own world.
This doesn’t mean, however, that it can’t be done. With just a few guidelines, any teacher can draw reluctant students into the active flow of the classroom.
Here’s how:
Overlook
You must never speak, take notice of, or react in any way that highlights their reticence. Although counterintuitive, if they perceive you’re trying to draw them out, the jig is up.
You’re not safe. You’re not being real and thus can’t be trusted. If this happens, their guard will not only remain up, but with stronger fortifications.
Refraining from bringing attention to their shyness is an essential first and most important step.
Pretend
No matter how awkward they appear, if ever they take a chance to participate, you must pretend that whatever they said or did was the most normal thing in the world.
Your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice must remain constant, casual, and as if the student’s involvement matched perfectly to the moment or situation.
Focus on the content of their contribution, not the way in which they contributed.
Move
All interactions between you and them must be quick hits, before they can begin to squirm too long outside their comfort zone. A brief word, eye contact, or fist bump etc., and then move on.
Never, ever linger.
The key is accepting them, validating them, and allowing them to be who they are in the subtlest way. In time, this is what will make the difference.
Wait
Becoming an active participant in your classroom is on their timetable, not yours. But the more empathy you have, the more you can put yourself in their shoes, the faster you’ll draw them out.
They want to take social chances. They want to participate. They just need to know that they won’t be humiliated—which for them can be the tiniest thing.
A pause or hesitation. A odd look from you. Over-the-top praise. As bizarre as it may seem to those who’ve never experienced debilitating shyness, these things can send certain students reeling.
Hearten
Once you establish yourself as a leader and protector of all students in your class, and they grow more comfortable, they’ll begin to dip their toe in the water.
You’ll still affect normalcy and casualness. However, you shouldn’t ignore them. Like all students, praising their answer or otherwise responding to them is encouraging.
It’s when you praise them or become effusive (or linger) that you push them back to the starting line.
A Secret
You’ll know you’re on the right track when you notice them approaching you with other students to say hello. They’ll probably hang back and not say anything.
But their mere presence, their choosing to be around you says everything about how they feel about you and their relief being in your class.
When in doubt, just remember to let them come to you. Let them take social and academic chances on their own terms. According to surveys, up to 40% of your class may be shy. They’re worth your understanding and adjustment to their needs.
But here’s a secret:
Every student benefits from a more laid-back approach when it comes to building rapport and making connections.
It brings everyone along. It allows the freedom within boundaries that students crave; a safe environment that reflects the highest standards and expectations.
There is more to this topic, including how it can help students with autism, depression, trauma, and anxiety improve their abilities and willingness to work with others and contribute to the class.
We’ll be sure to cover these topics and more in upcoming articles.
In the meantime, if you haven’t done so already, please join us. It’s free! Click here and begin receiving classroom management articles like this one in your email box every week.
I was this student. I recognize others like me in my class. Your advice, as always, is sound and accurate. I’d like to add how much a simple head nod and smile can help build that relationship. These students want little sticky notes of praise when earned, not public announcements.
Once again, Thank you for your sharing your wisdom with us. You are a beacon of hope for many classrooms.
As someone who is still shy as an adult (though less shy), I tend to gravitate to the shy kids and then I’m usually the one they like to come to. One ESL (English as a Second Language) student I was in a classroom with did this. I talked quietly to her and tried to understand her and soon, I was the one person she trusted and came to the most. Gradually, she started talking to the classroom teacher more, but she came to me the most because I tried connecting with her and working with her to spell.
I usually don’t leave comments but this one hit a nerve. 50 years ago I also was that child. A high school teacher chose the wrong way you spoke of by trying too hard to force me out of my shell. I was quite comfortable in my shell and it terrified me that someone wanted to change that. You are right in that it can’t be forced no matter how good-intentioned. It made me as you stated, less likely to participate and engage in discussions. I would take an F in class rather than participate.
I love working within the school atmosphere as an aide both in class and on the playground and your articles help even us support staff.
Thank you for your insights.
Glad that you focused on this topic today, Michael. And I am looking forward to the other topics that you mentioned today.
As a past shy kid with an intense loathing for socializing anything past my friends circle to a now social and acting student teacher today, I totally agree with most of if not everything stated in this post. I like to think of building a relationship with not only those who shut others out, as well as other sorts of people, as a sort of ebb and flow effort- similar to waves on a beach. Try, try and try again, but always leave some time and space between. Don’t linger too long and be consistent in your efforts. I may not be the best when articulating my thoughts, but I certainly appreciate it when someone else is able to give what seems to me as sound advice.
I use your management and Love and Logic. Thank you for all the “lessons”. I have taught 21 years and even switched districts in January. Your lessons have helped in the move. Thank you!